Depression With Anger and Rage

I've had depression since I was a teen, but in the past eight years or so, some of the symptoms of my depression have changed, or to put it more succinctly, they have been augmented by feelings of deep, vicious anger.
I used to get sullen and slow during depressive episodes, and I still do, to a point, but lately, I also get angry. Until a year or so ago, that anger manifested itself in acts of aggressive self-sabatoge. Throwing out valuable/cherished possessions, destroying things, punching holes in walls, as well as myself. Last year I gave myself a right hook and knocked a tooth out. Sometimes I would bang my head against a wall repeatedly. But I've stopped that. I suppose I realized how stupid and self-destructive that behavior was, and that I have enough regret in my life without adding to it.
But in the past couple of years, while depressed, I've redirected that anger and rage outward rather than at inward. I get aggressive and confrontational. With friends as well as strangers. As a cluster C poster boy, this is very uncharacteristic of me. In my normal state, I would be generally too timid and courteous to do things like purposely brush by some guy on his cell hard enough to knock it out of his hands just because he was in my way. Or commit acts of petty vandalism. But not when I get truly, deeply depressed.
I suspect one reason for this is bitterness. Bitter that I've had to live with this horrible condition most of my life. Bitter that I'm sick of it. Bitter that to some extent, a lot of my current psychological issues stem from being mistreated as a child and as a young adult. It's almost as if I'm saying "I'm sick of suffering with this. It's time the rest of the world suffered too."

I admit this is a childish attitude. I also admit that I don't care. I'm somewhat bitter even when I'm not depressed and it bothers me that I can find justification for my poor behavior. I worry that there is something else going on in my head.

I would like to know if anyone else ever feels this kind of anger and bitterness when depressed.

Hi,

I am diagnosed with bipolar I and in BP this type of feeling/behaviour set is called "dysphoric mania". Basically it's... what you described. I had this once or twice, including violence directed both inwards and outwards, and it's a pretty dangerous state to be in -- I ended up hospitalised.

Do you have an official depression diagnosis? Perhaps it would be a good idea to get in touch with your psychiatrist and discuss how things are going?

Big hugs -- I hope things get easier soon.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You seem to be aware of your behavior/ attitude towards others, which probably makes your condition more frustrating and painful. Anger can be very hard to control, and depression is, to an extent, out of our control. We can't snap our fingers and relieve a chemical imbalance.

I can relate to a lot of your feelings. The first few years of my depression I had a tendency to cave in on myself; I barely made an effort to maintain my relationships, I isolated myself, and I kept all of my thoughts in my head. My self destructive habits did not derive from anger, but rather from a sense of worthlessness and emptiness. I've always had a short temper, but when it erupted I would direct it inwardly.

Around a year and a half ago I started to experience anger. I wasn't familiar with it so I didn't know how to control it. From hindsight I've realized that a lot of the anger stemmed from bitterness. I was also bitter about my past, the way I was treated, and the constant lack of self-worth I felt. I struggled with anorexia for three years and nearly died. I never got professional treatment for it, so I still struggle with that unwanted mentality. I often get confused as to why this happened, so I'll blame people, then turn around and blame myself, and generally I just feel pissed about it.

Sometimes your attitude is the only thing that will help you. Try to look back and find if there's a pattern to your anger. For example, I mainly feel angry in the morning. When I am anxious and stressed about the day ahead of me, I ignore it by ruminating on the past. It is difficult for me to think of the past without feeling angry, so I've gradually trained myself to see it from a different perspective (it's not easy, I still need to work on it). I think of my childhood and reflect on memories when I felt loved, happy, and excited for the future. I think of the people that I'm bitter towards and remember all of the times where they took care of me and made sure I was safe. I've realized that they're human, they've loved me to the best of their ability, and as much as I love them back, I have trouble showing it too sometimes.

I know that when you're at the peak of your depression, you can't really reach for those memories. You forget that they exist. You can only think of how things went wrong, and you don't have the energy to change the way you think. When it gets like that, just take it by the day. Try to distract yourself from the thoughts. Try to find interest in something. Don't feel the need to constantly justify how you feel or behave, go easy on yourself. Emotions are complex and confusing; there's rarely an exact explanation for them, so we are left to interpret them. Interpretations aren't always correct though, and when you're depressed you tend to see things from a cynical angel.

You're life is valuable even though you can't see it. The world needs you, for something, even if you don't know what that something is yet. I hope this helped a little. Stay strong, I know you can.

bitterness n rage form like a cycle 8. i saw it on youtube, that depression n anger go side by side.

T.W.

i'm always bitter n i really want my friends to suffer. the ones who said: 'oh get over it.' i hope they suffer immensly.

even i had a miserable childhood n feel very ashamed of my life. i dont know how to move on. for me, depression n rage will probably end with my death.

i thus avoid people. being bullied so much, that too by family, now i have zero tolerance for any humor.

It's comforting to see I'm not alone with this. Luckily, this most recent tsunami of depression is receding,but since most of the issues that originally caused it are still there, I can't assume that it won't return, so rather than elaborate, I'll just say I'm going to keep in mind everybody's good advice and the empathy expressed. Dwelling on posts I made while deeply depressed can be triggering, so today, since I'm feeling better (I think) I'm going to try to dwell on the positive side of things.