Lonely Lonely Lonely and depressed

I think the thing that gets me in the biggest funk is loneliness. I only have one good friend and she has her own issues and tends to isolate and also stays almost completely mute most of the time. It's very hard to include her in a conversation no matter how hard I try. I know she cares about me a lot, which is more that I can say about the other two marginal friends I have. They don't return calls or texts, one won't even give me his cell number, and the other doesn't act like she wants to be my friend at all. It's very sad because when we get together we really seem to have a very good time, wit lots of laughs. I want to be a part of their friendship but for the most part am left out. It's very hard to be so lonely and sad all the time. I start to get really down and a depressive spirit comes over me wondering what is wrong with me that I can't seem to make or sustain friendships. I try to look at it objectively and I realize I talk too much so have been focusing a lot on my listening skills. Tonight I'm feeling very down, sad and lonely and don't know what to do about it. My family gets enough updates on my troubles at times, but not very often. I don't want to burn them out with the way I feel, which is deperssed most of the time. Therapy is only an hour a week and I just went today. So it helps for an hour to let it all out, then I'm left alone again with my misery. I feel suicidal at times, but am not close to doing it, it's just thoughts I have to deal with on a daily basis lately. I don't want to really be alive, but strive to stay alive for my kids. I had a biopsy today for cancer, and deep down I think of it as an honerable way out instead of suicide. Now, I don't wish cancer on my worst enemy, I watched my dad suffer for 12 years. But what a valient way to go instead of leaving your kids with the legacy of killing yourself. I know this sounds crazy but I've wanted a way out for years, but don't ever want to leave my kids alone by killing myself. Does that make sense to anyone else or am I just that crazy?

i can understand. i have no real life friends, n my mood swings n black n white thinking makes it difficult to maintain friendship.

i dont think things will ever get better for me. the loneliness is suffocating but i'm also unable to just cheer up n make new friends.

its difficult to see others have 'fun', holidays, photos, they even enjoy during lunches, while i eat alone.

at times even i hope to get diagnosed with cancer so i could die.

sorry. i dont really have anything helpful to say. hope things get better.

I totally get it. A large part of me wants to get cancer, but that is not a good way to go. I watched my dad fight it valiantly for so many years and he got so sick, couldn't eat, etc. I can get medical marijuana in my state, so that might help if I do have cancer. It's not a way I would ever pick to go because I know how awful it can be. I called my therapist yesterday to see if I could get two appts a week as I think I'm unstable. Even he didn't call back, and that is the one person I thought that cared about me. Even if he doesn't have anything available at least he could have called back and told me. I have never asked for two sessions in a week before, but he has on occasion when he thought I needed it. Maybe since it wasn't his decision he doesn't want to talk about it. Now I really don't even want to go back to him although he helps sometimes. It just makes me feel even more unwanted and uncared for.

i understand how the feeling can be. last night i had a dream where a little girl was crying. the girl was hit by my caretaker n the caretaker refused to apologize or care for the girl as the girl cried. i woke up feeling scared.

i think it's all right to be scared. i dont try to man up or anything, but cry n let it out.

some advice that helps me, sorry if its harsh but this helped me realize something:

if i dont care for my life, why must others.

i try not to postpone stuff. like today morning i noticed my toenails were too long, n i for once thought to cut after i returned from office, in the next instant i took the nail cutter n trimmed the nails. the things help.

i know its easier said than done n tomorrow probably i'll go in depression. but it's all right. its not a nice feeling of being unwanted. wish i had something helpful to say. but i often feel like no one's there for me.

maybe its mutual. i mean i have a few online friends n often i'm the one who sends the first email. i feel sad that they dont send the first email but it's all right. i mean some people have problem creating insulin, while some have difficulty making friends

i dont feel guilty for the latter just as i dont blame diabetic guys for the former.

i think of depression n cold. i mean it'll come back after a few weeks just as cold comes n goes.

hope things get better.

now i feel like such a hypocrite. i wish i could delete the earlier reply.

my depression n loneliness has returned n i feel such a mess. so much self hatred

I know the feeling, yeah. At my worst I just spontaneously wished a car would hit me while I was crossing the street so I wouldn't have to wake up the next day to the same old life. I don't wish that anymore, but it's an easy dark place to fall into.