What's wrong with me? Am I depressed??

I'm 19 and I'm having trouble with my mood. I feel like I can't be fully and honestly happy in life. I feel like all my laughter is forced and I get really anxious and feelings like "why bother". I feel like no matter what I do in life I don't be happy. I'm always faking happiness. I feel empty. I constantly fixate on past events and convince myself I'm a bad person. I just feel smothered by the past. I've been through a traumatic couple years with health problems and when I was 14 I touched my 8 year old nephews penis when he was asleep cos we shared a bed and I wanted to see what another one was like. I fixate on these events and drive myself insane. They're always on my mind. I was also bullied and fixate on this. I'm really self conscious and hate my body. I also recently realised that I'm 90% sure I'm transgender. I just feel overwhelmed, hopeless and so bad like I'm not happy and I'm not sad. I'm just empty. Even when I smile and laugh it's not real, it's false and forced. I've started to take Lemon Balm and Vitamin B complex pills everyday and noticed a lil lift in the form of life doesn't feel so dull and my energy picked up but I still feel emotionally unstable and just weird like I'm sick but I'm not. I started the pills two days ago. I see a therapist every week. I really don't wanna go on medication because it's to risky. I'm really really scared now. I have all these dreams but everything just seems so overwhelming now I don't think they'll come true and I'm afraid I'll never feel happy and normal. I wanna stop over thinking everything and making mountains out of molehillsI can't even sleep soundly over the stress and anxiety and the speed of my mind.

i dont fake stuff anymore. i used to earlier but now i'd rather be alone than fake happiness. faking happiness is very exhausting, not to mention the jaw hurts.

besides i guess others see through it. there really isnt any point in pretending to be happy.

ur true friends will understand if ur upset and wont force u to be happy or anything.

my colleagues would often taunt me for appearing sad. now i avoid them. pretending to be happy in fact exhausted me of my energy.