Battle with tough depression

I am struggling everyday. It seems like my life is living unhappily forever after. I try everything to fight depression. It does not seem to work. This is such a tough illness. How many have I thought about ending my life? So many times I lost count. This is consistent because I still live in my abusive home. I am sure wanting the pain to stop. I even try to learn to sing. I always want to do it. Music seems to be my only hope for now. Such a tough world out there. Everyday I feel tired, fatigued, sleepy. I have so many problems. I got discriminated at work because of my problems. Other people have a happier life than me seems to be noticed at work because obviously they are doing better than me at their job. I feel like I am a shadow. Me being abused and depressed doesn’t seem to work out with the working world. I just have so many problems interfering with my work. This seems to worsen my depression. It like a vicious cycle never stop. I dont know. I just go alone with my life. How can other people who is not abused understand what i’ve been through? They never understand because they never experience it. My memory is very bad right now. I try to learn lyrics to sing songs for my singing class. I just get lost in word in a middle of the song no matter how many times I have learned. it’s so frustrated. Depression is a monster that suck life out of me. I remember being a carefree and happy kid I once was, that was the best thing on Earth. It seems like I can never be that kid again. That kid is already dead. I wonder where is happiness. I feel empty and sad, and angry every day.

Hi Sleepynt.

I read some of your other posts to get some context. I was never sexually abused, but I have had psychological abuse happen to me at home in a past situation in which I felt completely trapped, helpless and hopeless, and it went on to infect most other aspects of my life. I used to hate waking up each morning, and found my only peace taking as long a route to and from work as possible, staying awake while the abusive person slept, and trying to find escape in hobbies.

The thing that really got me about your post was when you said you had memory loss while singing. I used to get terrible memory loss at work, and while I thought it was stress related, i never linked it to the abuse. Some things make more sense now.

I think you have some clear advantages that can help you:

1. You recognise the abuse as being abuse.
2. You see how it affects things in your life.
3. You have a standard of comparison (happy and carefree early childhood) from which you can set a goal toward getting back to that more peaceful situation, free of abuse.

The thing that started me out of the maze was something I could never achieve on my own. It was an affirmation from an outsider that even at my very worst and near rock bottom, I was a viable person, that I needed to get out of a situation that was harming me, and that I could be loved. I needed to hear that many times from different people until I felt I could learn to trust it as the advice I needed to hear in my situation.

Abuse is complex. From my experience and other victims I have talked to, the common thing was the need of the abuser to have control. For me and others I talked to, we were often the only thing in the abuser's life they felt they had control over. I guess it's as hard for the abuser as the abused to let go of the situation, and the whole thing has to be treated with a great deal of care and caution.

I think reaching out online and just being heard, having communication with others and receiving something positive in return is a starting point, so good on you for that.

Maybe some others here who are better informed can suggest pathways toward help.