Being Single and Depressed

I sometimes open up to people about how lonely I am and how I want to be in love with someone who is also in love with me again. And my friend sent me this:

You'll find you're person when the time is right. But for someone to love you like that you first must love you're self like that and know what you want

How can I learn to love myself when my depression is seemingly never ending? Am I supposed to just be single for the rest of my life? I don't see my depression ever getting better. I have good days, sure, but I don't think my depression will go away.

And for the record, I do love myself. I'm just depressed and so even though I fantasize about ending my life, it's not because I hate myself. It's because the pain of the depression is so great. There's a difference.

To be honest what your friend said is wrong.
So if you are up to it and want to go out dating etc.

thanks so much for replying. This makes me feel better thank you!

It's a matter of balance, I think. People who are miserable and who turn to relationships as a band-aid for other life problems aren't in a good place to date because relationships need to have time and energy put into them. Not just taken out. But people don't have to be in some unobtainable, perfect state where every last thing in their life is taken care of in order to have functional, beneficial relationships and friendships.

If I started dating a girl, I'd just be worried that I wouldn't be able to be emotionally present, if that makes sense. Depression tends to make me withdraw and close myself off even to close friends, and I imagine a lot of people are sensitive enough for that to hurt and be taken as a sign that there's something personally wrong with them when it's just me.

Would you yourself be put-off someone if they were depressed? I know I wouldn't be. The right person will see past your depression and recognise it as a part of your whole person: composed of many different and constantly changing parts. Depression ebs and flows but the central elements of your character will always be there. From your perspective depression probably holds a considerable sway in your self-image and esteem, but it won't be perceived the same as somebody from the outside. When people say you must love yourself before anyone can love you... it's simply not true, and rather a lazy and thoughtless thing to say.

Given the universal prevalence of depression surely there would be far more singletons in the world than there are. True, many people won't understand or be sensitive to your feelings, but these people surely aren't worth wasting your time on. You will find someone/someone will find you, just remember there is no set of rules, you don't have to be in a relationship by a specific age, have kids, a career, whatever else. Your life is yours and you don't have to live it according to someone else's rules.

My previous relationship ended when I got depressed. My boyfriend at the time had zero interest in me once I no longer wanted to party and get pissed all the time.

Then I got a bit better and met someone else. 7 months in I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He has seen me so depressed I couldn't put my socks on because it was too much work. He has seen me so manic I had to be hospitalised. And everything in between. He never let me down. We're nearing four years together and we're getting married next year.

Big hugs. It can happen.

RachaeyH wrote:Would you yourself be put-off someone if they were depressed? I know I wouldn't be. The right person will see past your depression and recognise it as a part of your whole person: composed of many different and constantly changing parts. Depression ebs and flows but the central elements of your character will always be there. From your perspective depression probably holds a considerable sway in your self-image and esteem, but it won't be perceived the same as somebody from the outside. When people say you must love yourself before anyone can love you... it's simply not true, and rather a lazy and thoughtless thing to say.

oliveira wrote:Big hugs. It can happen.

Thank you, you two. I will keep hope. And you're right RachaeyH. I tend to only see my depression and not my redeeming qualities and I think that low self-esteem is what is pushing people away, not exactly my depression if that makes sense? I have a lot of work ahead of me before I date again, I know, but I still get lonely and wish friends would let me gripe about it instead of making me feel even worse about being single like saying things like I can't love anyone else before loving myself. It hurts.. A lot.

The truth is that there are plenty of people in relationships who don't love themselves. Some of them are happy with the relationships but not particularly happy with themselves.

People mean well by saying "learn to love yourself first". But they don't understand that it's like holding you hostage to your emotions. What if you never completely love yourself? Should you be alone the rest of your life for that reason? I think not.

Sometimes I feel profoundly lonely being single. I miss having someone to curl up with and feel their warmth. Sometimes I remind myself that even when I had a partner I had days/ moments which were just as lonely but even more helpless as you haven't got the comfort of thinking if only I had someone.

I don't think depression does have to prevent you from forming a relationship. Low self esteem seems to make people more vulnerable to abusive relationships. I end a relationship in the past because their mental health problems were making my own worse and I have to accept just because you love someone doesn't mean you work as a couple. I have no doubt if we had stayed together one or both of us would be dead.

I guess you just hope to get lucky and find someone who can handle you, and love you for all that you are. At the same time don't rely on someone being our saviour, concentrate on what makes you happy.