When should I tell my doctor *TW*

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I have tried to commit suicide twice within the last six months *mod edit, details removed*. Both times my wife found me. After the second attempt the feeling of wanting to kill myself went away and the medications started to work. Everyone thinks I am a new person and look great. What they don't know is that inside my head I keep telling myself that suicide is the answer. I imagine what it would be like dead. Whether everything just goes black or if there is an afterlife. The voice (which I am pretty sure are my own thoughts) tell me to find out. Plus all the other things like how useless I am, the failure I am, and all the other negative things. I see my psychologist weekly and I don't know what he thinks about whether or not I am getting better. I am still free so I think he thinks I am safe. Honestly, I don't think I am. My innerself keeps telling me to put on the facade of being better and working to improve myself and that I am going to be the best person I can be. Everyone is buying it. In reality I am already thinking about suicide again, but this time being more permanent. My innerself keeps telling me next time *mod edit* and there will be no more being found out and going back to the hospital. I am afraid if I tell someone they are going to admit me back into the hospital and won't let me out for a while. I hate being in there, and would do anything to get out. How crazy am I? Are others feeling and doing the same thing as me? When should I have the conversation with my doctor. I have no plans on harming myself but the thoughts are getting stronger all the time and I find myself looking for excuses to go back down the road I was at a couple of months ago.

Hello,

big hug.

You mention you're seeing a psychologist. Are you on any medication? If not, please consider that. I wanted to kill myself after being depressed for a year, but decided to give meds a chance (reasoning I can always do it later). First one didn't work. Second one did.

If you are on medication, and you are past the "incubation period" (4-12 weeks depending on the medication) then it is NOT WORKING AS IT SHOULD and you should report to your psychiatrist immediately. In the first weeks most anti-depressants can cause patients to feel worse, and at the same time give them enough energy to go through with suicidal thoughts. But if you are past that period, and suicidal, you are on WRONG medication and it needs to be changed, like, yesterday.

So whether you are on meds or not, I strongly suggest you consult your psychiatrist immediately and tell them how you are feeling. Please do not withhold any details, as this is important for getting the meds right. You need to be helped as well as possible. Your life is in danger, and nothing else is more important.

Big hugs again, if wanted. Please keep us posted.

I am on meds, and everyone else seems to think they are working. Maybe its just me but I think everything is the same. Only difference is I am in better moods and taking a lot better care of myself. I have been on the meds now for six months. I take two of them Zoloft and Wellbutrin. I started the Wellbutrin to quit smoking and they left me on them. I did quit smoking. If the meds were effective would I still be having these thoughts? I feel if I tell them what I am thinking, and my past attempts I will be locked up. Sometimes I feel like telling the doctor I need to be locked up for my safety, I don't because then it would all start again. Meaning everyone feeling sorry for me, having to stay in the mental ward for awhile, hearing how much everyone loves me and cares for me (I think they say it because they don't want it on their concious if I do ever go through with it, other then that they don't mean it). Well thanks for listening. I do feel the way described, and getting tired of putting on this front for my wife and everyone else.