Lost *TW*

I was never diagnosed with depression, but I think I'm about 75% sure that I was at a little depressed one point when I was 12-13. All I remember was feeling really, really sad and I had no idea why and it never seemed like it was going away. I don't remember ever really thinking about killing myself but I did start sometimes wishing that I wasn't alive anymore a little bit. After a little while, I started feeling really angry. I would fight with my mother pretty much every day because I didn't want to listen to her. After the fights, I usually cry and sometimes I remember hitting myself. I did not get along with my family at all. I never told anyone then at that time that I felt sad. I was afraid. I think my mom just thought I was being a huge brat. I had to go therapy a few times when I was 13 but I stopped going because the therapist and I didn't get along very well.

When I was 16, I told someone that I wanted to hurt myself and I was forced back into therapy, but it never really worked for me.

I tried to kill myself when I was 17.

I started hurting myself when I was 19.

I went to therapy for the first time since I was 16 recently because I think I might be a little bit depressed again. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it, so I don't know for sure, I guess, but I know that I feel really sad sometimes. I cry for no reason. I have thoughts about hurting myself. I know that I'm not happy but it's like I don't know what to do to change my life. I don't know if it's going to work anyway, if I do try. I don't have any friends so it's not like I have anyone to talk to. I can't tell my family because I already know for a fact that they won't understand. They will think that I'm just faking it, I'm lazy, I want attention when I really don't. I'm really scared to tell anyone. They don't really care about me at all. No one does. My mother says that I'm a bitch and that I need to grow up. She makes me cry and when I tell her that it hurts my feelings, she just says that I deserve it. I already have had low self-esteem since I was 12 years old and hearing that type of thing from my own mother just makes me hate myself. At this point, I don't think I'm ever going to have a good relationship with my family. I just want to be normal and this really, really sucks. I don't think I can do this anymore. I really don't.