Do you ever feel you've been fighting for too long?

Throughout my late teens and up to my current age (22) I have been severely depressed. I also have a form of OCD that manifests itself through questions revolving around life and existence, this also leads to frightening episodes of depersonalisation. I do however have my OCD under control at the moment, and feel much better in that respect.

This depression however is something that has been with me since I was 16 years old. I've tried therapy, I've plugged myself with pills. None of it works. I believe this to be the case because personally I don't think there's anything wrong with me, this is just who I am and I can't change it. I am sick of society and the human race. Social media, reality TV, designer clothes, sports cars, I just can't stand any of it anymore. I can't stand to be around people, money, a career, 'prestige', I've just got no interest whatsoever in any of it. I feel like I've been born into the wrong world. Everything is built upon ignorance and lies, andI I just can't do it anymore. As a result of this trail of thought, I have excised the majority of people I once knew from my life. I am isolated through choice, as I just can't accept what is going on around me as 'normal'. How is any of this normal? How is a life driven by greed and material possessions normal? I refrain from emitting my true feelings because I know most people cannot even understand the concept of my grief. You either get it or you don't, and most people don't get it. I have no real reason to feel this way, I am extremely good at appearing 'normal' to others in some sort of everyday social veneer. I get told regularly by females that my personality is very mysterious and attractive and that there's 'something about me'. If only they knew. I have been pretty much alone now for the past few years, I have a very close circle of friends and family. None of them can relate to my problems though.

Basically I'm on the edge of a massive breakdown, I feel as if something huge is rolling across the horizon but I don't fully understand what it is. What chance do I have realistically have if I feel this way at 22? I'm honestly at a point where I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't feel any need to carry on. I have thought about concepts that do not even occur to most people my age, and the reality is I will have to live with this mindset for the rest of my life. I can't do it anymore.

Have you tried ECT? Electroconvulsive therapy? I've heard they use that for persistent and drug resistant depression. It's really only used as a last resort, but going by your post, looks like it would be the last resort.

I almost have exact same thing. Message me :p

I honestly don't think any form of treatment will help. I have been this way for as long as i can remember. I feel it's who i am, it's engraved into my head. It's not something exterior that can be treated. My only question is guys, where do i go from here?

Yeah, that's what people who get ECT say. Like I said, it's used as a last resort and HAS helped people with depression like yours. That they think is "ingrained" in them. It would probably take multiple sessions but if you actually want to get better, I suggest looking that up as a possibility.

I agree. Over a year ago I was in a mental ward with two people with med-resistant depression undergoing ECT. They couldn't stop praising the effects. One of them messaged me two months ago to share that 1) her depression left and hasn't returned, and 2) she's getting married. (I can't guarantee you'll get married after ECT )

Oliveira wrote:I agree. Over a year ago I was in a mental ward with two people with med-resistant depression undergoing ECT. They couldn't stop praising the effects. One of them messaged me two months ago to share that 1) her depression left and hasn't returned, and 2) she's getting married. (I can't guarantee you'll get married after ECT )

Haha, well good for her that it worked and she's going on with her life. I also feel similarly to the OP but with some differences. I went to a therapist a few years ago when I think I was 20 and she told me as well to look into ECT. I go to see a new therapist after my previous one failed me last year (not the same as the one I mentioned) so hopefully that person can help me out a bit.

Hi blackheart.

I hope you're feeling okay. I could have written an almost identical piece about myself at 22, and I can relate exactly to the things you say. At the age of 42, I find that life is easier now than it was then, and that I am less upset by whatever craziness the rest of the world chooses to embark in.

I was very much preoccupied at 22 with making sense of myself, the world, the path my life would take, and prospects for happiness. As my nickname suggests, I'm probably only halfway there toward finding the balance I seek and shaking off the "black dog" of boredom and getting depressed by mediocrity. I had a dark mood yesterday, found this website and the info I was looking for, and would have left it at that. I read about your experience and thought, "Okay, I'm less unique than I thought".

My experience of breakdowns is that they were like a computer crash and reboot. After hours or days of immobility and despair, I had to relearn everything and establish new connections in my mind between subject and object. Sort of like recovering from physical injury, but on a mental plane. But each time, I also left emotional, intellectual, and ideological baggage behind. Life got easier afterward and life made more sense each time.

I think you have every chance in the world to find a satisfactory way through life, that surrender would be premature, and would deprive you of many surprising discoveries about human nature and the world. It does get easier. Time and perspective are great healers.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for responding and I apologise for the late response, I have been a little preoccupied with family shattering issues as of late. I hope you are all OK though .

I truly do believe that some people are beyond help and that I am one of those people. ECT cannot change the hundreds of people who die of starvation each day as a result of capitalist societies. ECT cannot change the materialism and arrogance that society is built upon. These concepts are the very fabric of my reality, and everywhere I look this is all I see. The worst part of all of this is I know it in my heart that this isn't a delusion and that I aren't overreacting. It's the truth. (I'm not categorising every human under the same label. People like us do indeed exist, but it's safe to say that we are the strong minority). What I'm trying to say is that deep down I know it's going to be extremely difficult for me to live in such surroundings. I often think that I've gone too deep, and come to realisations that a part of me wishes I hadn't. It's what I have started to call 'the dirty truth'. How can I possibly live without money? Or a job? I don't want either in my life. I truly believe there is nothing wrong with me, the problem is quite blatantly there for everyone to see. This is no way to live a life, taking into account how strange and unique our existence really is. If you think about life on a deeper level, you truly realise how pathetic this version of reality is.

Hi Blackheart.

I'm sorry to read of your family circumstances.

The key to the dilemma might be that it is a "version of reality" and that, however valid, it need not be absolute in terms of a single truth. I find that I rely far less on intuition nowadays and more on scepticism. That includes scepticism about my own viewpoints in the face of differing opinions.

I allow for the possibility that the polar opposite of what I believe could be equally true, which gives rise to paradoxes. My sense of inner peace in the face of the crazy comes from appreciation of the paradoxical and that which I can't make sense of.

I used to read ferociously on all manner of subjects in search of that truth. Religious books, philosophy, science, economics, history, politics, mathematics, biographies of interesting people, novels and drama, in addition to conversing with people of like and different minds. I was particularly fascinated with different viewpoints on the same subject matter.

The search for truth from which to derive a sense of place is in itself an expression of hope. My hope is that by allowing the possibility of gaining perspective, discovery of ideas and ways of seeing, that the burden you feel will get lighter and lighter with time.