Lost my friends and I don't know what to do.

Well, I've had serious deep depression since I was 13. That was the year I also met a friend who I've talked to for 11 years now and I guess things just led up to him not wanting me as a friend anymore and we've talked pretty much every day since we met.

I don't know if I'm in some sort of shock state but it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would when he told me tonight he never wanted to talk to me again. I mean after that I did cry for 20 minutes or so and started removing him on everything and then wrote in my journal about it and then started feeling true sadness like right now while posting this. I have aspergers syndrome which is a type of autism and it really really affects my social skills and things like empathy and stuff. I don't feel like I have the skills to find a new friend like that who I can create a deep bond with like before or if I could how hard would it be to find and then trust.

The previous friend always messed with me saying things that brought out my paranoia and the aspergers. Just tonight I joined our chat and he said another friend was just in and I just missed him. I asked what they talked about and he said "we were talking about how much we hate you" which I know as ridiculous as it sounds, I always, always took this very seriously as if it were true no matter how ridiculous he would try to pass it off. Just things like that a lot of times just to mess with me because of my disability. It really hurts me and always has that I can't detect that sarcasm and how much he's played it on me really hurts when I think about it like now. Honestly really really hurts. Last thing he said was that I was clueless because I couldn't see what went wrong tonight because we could only talk for 30 minutes before I was going to go to bed and didn't want to watch his videos. Before this I had been trying to bond with some people I met in an mmo because it felt good. This was the reason why I got on so late with him because I was talking to them instead for the time. But what set this all off was how I just couldn't stay awake for him which made him think I didn't care about him or anything he sends to me. I just didn't know what else to do but go to bed.

Instead of going to bed I ended up messaging him trying to say I'm sorry and stuff over and over in many ways but it just irritated him more and more until he said I was clueless for not getting why he was mad at me. I still don't so maybe I am but I don't see why an apology couldn't fix this. I mean this isn't the first, second, or even 10th time stuff like this has happened. So I guess this was the final straw for him for some reason.

I mean I have plans every day this week and can't miss them but this whole thing of losing your best friend for 11 years and possibly another one I just don't really know what to do. I only have 1 friend left to talk to and I don't even know if he's going to talk to me either. I just feel really depressed more than before like I'm planning to just not do anything tomorrow to recover from this and tell everyone to leave me alone. I just feel really bad and don't know how else to put this but I'm really hurting right now and don't see a therapist til 3 weeks for the first time.

I could really use some help and advice. I took a clonazepam just to calm me down and it worked but I'm still crying throughout typing this whole thing and physically feeling that shocking pain in chest and stomach so I just need some assistance, please. I've never felt so lonely before.

Oh dear.

I fell out with my bestie a lot of years ago over a girl. We were inseparable at high school but grew apart when I was about your age.

Actually it was a good thing in the end. He went one way and ended up in a load of bother with drugs and the police and I went the other and became moderately successful. Maybe this could end up being good for you too, you never know what is going to happen round the corner.

He sounds on the face of your post like he was pretty psychologically abusive. Who needs friends who drag you down anyway, also I note the correlation between when you met him and the start of your symptoms.

I don't know the best way to meet friends, but do you like any sports? What are your hobbies? Do you go to the pub?

Thanks for responding. I like videogames and computer stuff. I rarely get out of the house for socializing but I'm working on changing that soon so hopefully I can do something with that. He did message me today like normal as if nothing ever happened last night. Every other time this stuff has happened he's done this where he acted like nothing happened before after putting me through all of that. So I don't know if this is his way of apologizing or trying to move past it or what. It just really sucks that I have nobody else to talk to without him which makes that transition so hard for me to find someone else.

I can only hope to hold onto him but not depend on him as much as I did before for any social contact as bad as it sounds, I just can't bear to be so alone right now.

It's definitely a good idea to get out of the house to socialise, plus research has shown sunlight is good for depression and calming stress, though i can see how the hobbies you detailed are not exactly outside hobbies. I'm a lover of nature so I like walking out.

If you can forgive your friend for being mean to you that's good but I hope you've made it clear to him how it upset you and why he should not do it again! Maybe not too good to get too dependent on anyone who hurts you, tough making a judgement call on these issues when you feel like you need someone.