I don't want to die, but don't want to live.

I feel like everything I have ever done, and will ever do is just going to end up hurting someone. No matter how I look at it, it always comes back to that. My whole family is deep in depression right now, and I feel totally useless. In my mind, the best scenario is I never existed at all. If I die, it will cause my siblings serious pain and make everything worse. If I keep living, I'll be way too much of a burden on everyone. I just don't know what to do. I could talk to my mom, as she is very accepting, and tries her best to understand, but I'm scared she'll misinterpret what I'm trying to say. On top of that she'll have the thought of my depression stressing her more than she already is, thus making things worse. Even now as I post this, I feel like I'm just burdening every one that reads this with my pain and stress. So, I'm sorry :(
(Please excuse me if this is in the wrong section)

Hello,

do you and your family receive any medical help? Psychiatric/psychological?

Big hugs. I hope it gets better soon.

Here I am, a year later >.<

:!: TW :!:

I haven't let anyone know about my health issues, and honestly we are all self diagnosed. Me and my mother also have severe trust issues, so we won't ever be going to counseling. On a better note, almost everyone's better now. From what I know at the moment, my mom and I are the only depressed ones. It's gotten better, and I know mom doesn't give in to suicidal thoughts. So that leaves me. I've gotten better, but some days... It's still there... I almost pulled the trigger pointed at my belly once not too long ago, just froze up and freaked out a little. No one knows what I'm dealing with right now to be clear. On bad days, I despise my existence, I give up all hope of resolving the issues with my sister (whole different story), and I just can't wait to go to sleep and not wake up.. a couple months ago, For awhile, every night and sometimes a few times during the day, I would squeeze my coratid artery until what I could only imagine to be about 3 seconds away from passing out. One night I actually fell into a wall, since I couldn't see and stuff. No one woke up, so no one knew. Honestly, I've plotted out so many ways to kill myself, I've forgotten a few. Ultimately I'm doing better, However, I have severe motivational issues at the moment, and I've always had really bad (self diagnosed) social anxiety, but It's gotten a lot worse the past 2 years. Alright, sorry for that long post. I'm still alive.