dead end for me

Right now. i just live day by day. everyday pass by with the same emotion: hopelessness. I can't get out of my abusive home. here's the truth for you: women are the worst abusers. no one believe they can be violent or abusive. if i am a victim of a male abuser i am maybe already saved ( only maybe because sometimes the #######5 society just doesn't care). women are better at emotional abuse because it leaves no physical wound. i am also sexually abused by my mother. she touches me but there are also no god damn evidence. so i am basically stuck in the rut. no one gonna save me because of no physical evidence. and then people will believe i am a terrible daughter if i ever talk back to her or get angry with her. she will always be the holy mother. she always says she does the best to her children to other people. As a result of all type of child abuse i experience, i am overweight and depressed. all thanks to her and my selfish father who doesnt care about me. the people who are supposed to love me does me no good. they only harm me and push me into dead end. what a twisted world. i cant get better. if i do something to feel good, my mother will ruin it every chance she get. what can i do to make her stop? hit her? kill her? in my mind now i think i cant coexist with her. if i want to live happily she has to die. i am so desperate right now that i wish her dead every single day. if i know some kind of magic that can kill people instantly i will do so. i used to see that kind of stuff on movies and i believe it's very stupid but now i dont care. i have to save myself first. it's not time to take care of other people. now it's very easy to make me get angry with her. i can't tolerate her anymore. i blast out at her and curse every one in my home even for the smallest thing. for your information, they are all abusive. i am basically born in an asylum. i look at her with a "i wanna kill you " look. sometimes the tension get too much between us, i think i will fight her to the dead. it's my life. i guess i continue to live like this and can only hope the wish come true.

Sorry to hear about your problems, it sounds like you were dealt a bad hand. I felt hopeless enough to try suicide more than once but it only did permanent damage to me. I would suggest trying anti-depressants or whatever your psychologist recommends. They gave me a whole new life, a life I enjoy.