I miss my depression

I starting taking 10mg of a fluoxetine for my anxiety and depression and I think it's working very well so far, maybe a little too well.

I don't know how many of you guys will be able to relate to me but I kiss being depressed. I know it hurts a lot but I still miss it. I can't explain it but I feel so empty now. I want to stop the medicine but I'm not because I need it for my anxiety. I know once I get depressed I'll wish it gone as soon as possible. Why is it like that? Will I always feel like this?

Can anyone here relate to me?

If you dont process your emotions but only put them away you will always lack of something, a piece of you.
Infact the real therapy is psychotherapy, drugs can act only on you feelings, to some degree.

When I was happier, I was the same way. Like Nirvana said, "I miss the comfort in being sad."

My depression was what I was used to, what I was comfortable with.

What P0ppy said. When we are depressed for a long time we get used to it. It hurts and it's terrible but it's our spiritual "home". It's what we know. When it's lifted from us, a change occurs, and change is scary, even if it's a change for good. We are no longer on the known turf. World is no longer how we knew it. True, it was terrible, but it was ours.

So yes, it is understandable. And therapy is what helps you make sense of it. When I was depressed in 2004 I thought all I needed was pills to fix me. And then I got the pills, and felt much better, but it made me realise how confused I was about world and life in general. So I took myself to therapy -- something I used to say I would never do. Pills made me feel good enough to go to therapy, and therapy made me feel good enough not to become depressed again (until I had a burnout in 2010 that ultimately led to my bipolar diagnosis).

P0ppy wrote: Like Nirvana said, "I miss the comfort in being sad."

Hearing that line in that song always meant so much to me. In fact, I play the 'In Utero' album so often when I'm depressed that I find it difficult to listen to when I'm not.

Oliveira wrote:What P0ppy said. When we are depressed for a long time we get used to it. It hurts and it's terrible but it's our spiritual "home". It's what we know. When it's lifted from us, a change occurs, and change is scary, even if it's a change for good. We are no longer on the known turf. World is no longer how we knew it. True, it was terrible, but it was ours.

Well put. I think I've spent more than half my life in a depressed state, so in a way it's my normal state of being. Additionally, when you're depressed, there's no where to go but up (of course there's self-destruction but that's another conversation), although when you're in that state "up" has little meaning.
When I'm not depressed, I worry about depression coming back. I worry about my health and mortality. I worry about my future. I worry about bills. I worry. Worry, worry, worry. None of that matters when I'm depressed. It's kind of a relief. A nice trade off. If I DID worry about all those things during a depressive episode, I wouldn't be here right now.

So it's been about 2.5 months since my last spate of depression. Pretty good. Although the weather is changing, and I have some serious issues with SAD. So I'm kind of walking on eggshells right now.

Marcus555 wrote:Hearing that line in that song always meant so much to me. In fact, I play the 'In Utero' album so often when I'm depressed that I find it difficult to listen to when I'm not.

I used to be addicted to heroin, and during that time, I listened to that album constantly. Now that I'm clean, it's hard for me to hear those songs.

When I was using, that was one reason I didn't want to be clean- because I knew I'd be happy. As silly as that sounds. I knew I'd have this whole new great life and I wouldn't know how to handle it, because I was so used to being a depressed junky with a messed up life.

I did get clean though, and it took a while- a good 9 months- before I felt okay with my life. That I let myself be happy. So really, my advise would be to give it time. Allow the happiness, and soon you'll find more positive ways to fill that emptiness.

P0ppy wrote:I used to be addicted to heroin, and during that time, I listened to that album constantly. Now that I'm clean, it's hard for me to hear those songs.

I suspect that album has a great deal of resonance for people who are suffering for one reason or another. I never really listen to it anymore. Just hearing the flat, opening chords of the first song reminds me of the very dark places my head's been at, although I'm pretty sure when depression returns for me, it will all sound just right.

Congrats on your recovery!