Out of the Loop - Disconnected - Down

I won't post links here because of advertising rules but bodybuilding stores have meal replacement shakes or bars. I think in your case a shake would be better. You mix it with water or skimmed milk, drink, hey presto -- calories that taste like melted ice cream. They tend to be heavy in protein though, so if you don't exercise, you shouldn't use them all the time -- but in any case I wouldn't recommend more than one of those per day. (There are gluten-free and milk protein free versions if you have allergies.)

I listened to some so-called "hemispheric stimulation music with dual isochronic tones" today and felt totally buzzed afterwards. First time I felt at least somewhat free in a long time. It seems I can't cope anymore without being doped up in some form. I can't drink alcohol because it messes with my meds and I'm too chicken to try real drugs. I am so completely sick of this life.

I also forced myself to take a walk today.

i dont think you're chicken to try real drugs. even i dont do drugs.
one reason is i dont want to mess with my body
another is i dont want to mess with my life.

do you think those who do drugs are courageous...

congrats on the walk. hope things get better.

I did drugs. Trust me. You're doing the right thing by staying away from them. There's no courage in doing drugs.

Big hugs.

Stupid things people have said to me:

"Get a grip on yourself!" Yeah, thanks, I hadn't ever thought of it.

"Other people suffer too." I guess that's supposed to make me realise that my depression is trivial.

"Do you have no perspective in life?" Wow, I'm glad you finally realised it. Except you said it in a way that was supposed to make me feel guilty about it.

"So and so asks why you're always sad." Yes, thanks for trying to make me feel guilty.

"Can't you get over it just for one day?" No. No, in fact I can't.

My mother had our doctor sign me up for a stay at a private mental health clinic today. She's worried that my current treatment (psychotherapy and trying a slew of meds) is taking too long and I won't be able to continue going to college soon enough.
I'm not going to expect much from it. In no wise do I expect that it'll cure me, or that they'll be able to give me any practical tips other than the regular (exercise more, get more sunshine, etc.). Then again, I'm not going to struggle against it either, because frankly I don't care anymore. I don't care if I ever get well or not. I'm so sick of fighting. It's exactly what's brought me into this situation.
If someone can fix me - good. If they can't - fair enough.

Another stupid thing someone said to me:
"Well, I was depressed, but I never thought of suicide." Meant to make me feel guilty about thinking of suicide.

i hope the new treatment works...

for me i know that if i eat spicy food then i start feeling anxious, so i've stopped that altogether.

regarding what people say: ignoring them is all i can say.

i have thought of killing myself, often do...i have indulged in self harm.

i dont think people understand it, maybe cause they havent been through depression. i dont blame them.

i have stopped talking with my real life friends cause i was fed up of their questions: how are you now...are you out of that mental state

i dont blame them. their sympathy may be genuine, but i dont like it. talking here is helpful.

pain is pain. saying that others have it worse isnt really helpful. its like all doctors should do research on cancer cure and no one should go to doctor for cold or headache.

again: good luck on the new treatment

I'm at a psych hospital now. My doctor had me committed because of my increased suicidal thoughts and worsening depressive symptoms.
It sucks here, but they might be able to help. Or not.

Hi,
did you ever think about training your voice.
I had and still have alot of depressionate phases in my life too, feeling out of power, hard to get up, wanting it all to be just over.
I started training in a dojo, that time, mainly cause I wanted to be able to defend myself. I learned alot of funny and interesting things about me and my body then.(I have to cut to the point this is ment for you)
I learned my voice has immense power. Looking back: Whenever I felt depressed, thoughts turning inwards, probing, my voice became weak like a whisper even less. (I think it was like that cause when talking to family or other people sometimes they asked me sorry, I couldn't hear the last 5 minutes you were talking, it looked like you was just moving your mouth, and I did not want to be rude telling you I can not hear a word.)
Anyways first time I learned my voice has power was in this dojo. A wooden sword got stuck in my hands and a bunch of other kids adults and elders. They all performed a slash a couple of times, and repeated it until everyone got the movement right. Then the teachers said now scream all you can and shout KI'AI. So everyone shoute KKKKKKKIIIIIIII'AAAAAAAAAIIii, I was shocked at fist by the immense force the people would cry around me, at first I thought at the next cry the glasses of the building we were in would shatter.
Anyways the teachers encouraged me to try to shout as well. I did not want to at first, but after a couple of times I wanted to test out, if I can make such an awesome boneshaking shout myself. Well my first shouts were that of a small puppy with no fight in it. I could barely hear it in the shouts of all the others, but doing this and I kept doing it when we were told to do it in the dojo, my voice got stronger and stronger, soon I could clearly hear my shout KKKKKKKKKKKIIIAAAAAAAAAAIIII, it was an impressive feeling. I learned to do alot of funny things with my voice speak very high, very low and dark, slowly fast, funny, mad, creepy, charmingly, I even tried singing songs of my favourite bands one being Californication, by the RHCP(red hot chilli peppers), I must say I never considered myself to be good at singing, but I was ok with performing this thing for myself and later others.
But one important thing I hope you could stick with me through all that stuff(ya it might sound weird, but hey I never said, I wasn't ).
When I first heard the others screaming and shouting at a blank wall, it shook me inside. I wasn't caught in my depression no more, not in that time the shouts were so powerful, they washed everything I was diddly doing and thinking away in just a second.
When I learned by screaming with the others how to make a powerfull shout myself, I would test that while I was being alone wandering in the woods, when I thought no one is around me I would shout out loud KIIIIIAAAAIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiii as long as I could hold it breathing out. It would wash everything away it is still a nice tool if I ever feel I can't stand it anymore. I screamed so loud and powerful often the animals, mostly birds in the woods would stop chirping, just cause of my voice.

Later I found I could modulate my voice better in conversations. I would not run out of air while talking. And whenever I felt like I was being downed and powerless, I worked on my voice and felt immensely refreshed afterwards.
The whole reason I am writing about training my voice is cause, it was one of the differences between me and normal functioning people I discovered, by observing. I saw unlike me who would seldomly talk to others cause of fear, and because I was so into myself, they would talk alot, and thus naturally train their voices the whole day, while I sat in my dorm doing nothing much, letting my voice do nothing, maybe it was as much as being able to hear me breath hefty if I got hit by an unpleasant memory, but I wouldnt use my voice at all.

When you said you feel like dieing down inside, your body shutting down slowly, thats how I felt too, before I started working on my voice.

Out_Of_The_Loop wrote:Waking up in the morning is absolute horror. The thought of having to deal with my parents today paralyses me.

For years now, my digestion has become worse and worse. I think it's the depression. I got the appetite, but it seems like my body is trying to keep me from eating. I think it's slowly shutting down.

Whenever I feel like that now I jsut have to use my voice a bit, to feel better.

By the way, just ignore the dojo part and training with alot of other people, if you are not into that. All I wanted to express with it, that it shook me so much that immediately something changed in me, blowing away my inner conflicts for some time, though I never went there cause of my depressions, funny.

Maybe, if you don't want to speak with others alot or just scream away, humm some tune you like, for some time, try humm it louder and more sliently, vary. Maybe even until you can feel your teeth vibrate in your mouth. It always makes me happy when I clench together my teeth and then make a sound until I find the right frequency so they start vibrating in my mouth.

Life is not always about the though decisions, sometimes you can just do something realy stupid just to stop keep thinking about all the other stuff, that is life too.