Out of the Loop - Disconnected - Down

Since one of the common recommendations to people suffering from depression is to write down how they feel and journal their thoughts, I have decided to go ahead and do exactly that right here. I don't only want to use this thread as a kind of diary of my depression, but I am also interested in any response people might give. I honestly doubt you could make it any worse.

I have been depressed ever since hitting puberty, with signs of this condition which I have inherited from my parents showing up already way before.
I have tried talk therapy, but it never clicked with me. I must have had too many expectations, and people never told me what I was supposed to expect. I thought I could waste my time more productively.
I have also been prescribed several antidepressants: citalopram/escitalopram, venlafaxine, bupropion, aripiprazole, just to name the active ingredients. The effect has always been either none or negative. My doctor even suggested that drugs may not be helpful in my case, at which I freaked and stopped seeing him, thinking he had pretty much given up on me.

Recently, I checked myself into a mental health clinic after leaving behind one of the most disappointing and damaging periods of my life (of which I will have to speak in greater detail at a later time). I felt safe there, had the first above average talk therapist in years, but they checked me out after two weeks because they judged me stable enough. Now I am living with my parents and I am seeing another therapist who is alright. I am going to give it a chance.

Other than that, just waiting for change.

Hello,

big hugs. I've been where you are now.

Depression might not be just Major Depressive Disorder. It is also a part of other disorders/illnesses, for instance bipolar, in which case antidepressants make things worse indeed. But I'm not a professional -- I can't diagnose you. I wonder if you have been assessed by a psychiatrist during your stay at the clinic?

You might also be suffering from what is called treatment-resistant depression. You don't mention ECT among treatment options you received. I haven't had it myself but when I was hospitalised, two other patients were undergoing ECT sessions for treatment-resistant bipolar depression. One of them messaged me the other day ECT lifted her depression and it hasn't returned (it's been 11 months now). So there's this option as well.

I am glad you have a good rapport with the new therapist. Hopefully that will help. I'll keep fingers crossed.

Best wishes!

Getting up in the morning is an insurmountable task most days. I'm feeling anxiety and inner pressure. The day doesn't seem to have anything to offer. Nothing gets better. Life is a seemingly endless wait for death. Things I enjoy are not enjoyable. Things I need to do, the most mundane things, slowly chip away at the small rest of my will to live. I just want to literally sit there and wait to die. But this inner pressure doesn't let me. It drives me on. It's not me that's doing it, meaning life, it's my stupid animal nature that doesn't know when to give up.

I hate my parents. I can't stand them. They only ever loved me while I was functioning. As soon as I became more than they could handle, they started blaming their inability to help me on me. It's not only that they can't help me - the things they try to do to fix me are making me worse. But they'd never admit they don't love me.
They think all I need to do is get a grip on myself. "What do you think other people do?" Well, I'm not other people. I am me. I want to like myself, but they never let me, they always have to nag and criticize. All I am to them is a waste of time and money, and they've told me over and over.
They don't even want to give me time to figure out how to get over my depression (or better said, whether or not that's even possible). They probably believe I should just cope with life the way they do it - by drowning myself in work and trying not to think about life.
I'm longing for the day when I don't ever have to see them again.

even my mom doesn't understand my depression.
i work at a firm where i basically do the work of a type writer.
but the reason i do it is cause it allows me to stay away from home.
i dont spend much, eat just for the sake of it, dont care about anything, or talk with colleagues.

my colleagues wait for fridays so they could spend the weekend with family. i wait for monday.

talking to mom is tiring. sometimes i just close the room's door and lie on the bed alone.

what helps at times is accepting my thoughts.
this may trigger but:
if i feel low i dont put any pressure on myself to cheer up. i accept the pain n allow it to exist.
i saw a youtube video that said:
think of depression like you're stuck in storm with a huge wave coming. now if you try to fight the wave you'll exhaust yourself.
rather let the wave pass, let the storm pass, be safe while the storm is passing n then try to swim to shore.

so when i get thoughts of 'i am fed up n exhausted,' i lie on the bed n just lie. or i listen to some sad song, then go to a philosophical song, then to another, then finally to some cheerful song.

i know my depression will take a lot more time to go. i try to be safe, by eating food. this is the hardest but eating fruits is easier than actual food.

Today, my mother made me feel guilty for my feelings again. She really does that masterfully. It's astounding how someone that suffers from depression themselves can be totally calloused towards someone else's depression.
Other than that, my only comfort is the thought of death. I want to get cancer and die. Life means nothing to me.

i am sorry you are feeling this way.
i just wanted to say you are not alone. hope things get better.

i dont put any pressure on myself. at times i allow myself to be depression n just take time to heal.

talking to myself as if i were a kid helps. take care.

It's good to hear you are seeking help. It sometimes takes a lot of experimenting with different meds to find the right one(s). They found some that helped as soon as I stopped drinking but it took a couple of years to find a combination that worked well for me.
Volunteer work helped a lot too. I wouldn't give up hope, my situation was terrible-multiple suicide attempts which almost worked. Life is good now though.

Waking up in the morning is absolute horror. The thought of having to deal with my parents today paralyses me.

For years now, my digestion has become worse and worse. I think it's the depression. I got the appetite, but it seems like my body is trying to keep me from eating. I think it's slowly shutting down.

when i dont feel like eating anything, i just eat some fruits. that's much easier to digest n doesnt take much effort.

i suggest to eat something n stay healthy. Any ailment will add to the trouble n cause physical pain.