getting better is just such a hassle...

"make yourself smile at least once every day!"
"focus on the positives!"
"search for the good!"
that just all sounds so difficult...i dont want to look and search and find stuff...i want to lay here, covered up in my bed, only to be disturbed by all my friends holding a cake and party toys and enthusiastically telling me they love me, i want someone to say "its been exactly 4 days since you showered, i know because i care about you and i have been paying close attention to everything you post on social media and i am here to remind you to shower because i care", i want someone to say "this is a big list ive made of everything you can do well! and heres the proof that you really did all these things! i even took it to get judged by lots of random people and they all also agree its good!"
i just want someone else to do something for a change
i dont wanna do anything anymore
i dont want to try
i dont want to fill out job applications, i want someone to tap on my shoulder when im at the super market and say "you look perfect this job opening!" and i dont want to have to email my teachers and say im having a hard time i want them to say "wow i noticed that you cry during class almost every single day and you rarely ever show up and when you do youre falling asleep in class and dont seem focused and you almost never turn anything in and you werent like this at the beginning of the semester are you okay? what can i do to help?"
ever since i started struggling with depression ive been told i was told i was lazy
now i might as well play into it
ill be lazy
ill lay around all day and wait for everything to be handed to me
ill live with my parents and bum money off them for as long as i can and when they get tired of me ill find someone else to mooch off
im done trying to get better
im done fighting the urges to hurt myself
im done fighting the urges to kill myself
i dont care what other people think or say anymore
i just dont want to do anything
-sophie

even i dream of getting discovered for a job...

at times i imagine i'm in some mountains away from people...only mountains n lakes n forest everywhere around

*mod edit*