I hate the word "depression"

frostfern wrote:

tiredofmyself wrote:dont believe that others are lucky that they dont have to go through your level of depression...everyone has challenges in life. even non-depressed folks have issues.

No, the vast majority are ######6 lucky. Get real.

how do you know that they are lucky? have you lived their lives? there are countless people on the streets, people with agonizingly painful diseases, some guys are stuck in jails for crimes they didnt do, some women are stuck in marriages with husbands with anger issues, some minority group gets targeted by some mob, bullying happens in school all the time. some people are working away from their families. people do self-harm.

some parents regret having kids. if people had lucky lives there wouldnt be so many members on this forum, n there are many similar forums.

and even if they are lucky, so what? it's their life. just cause i am not happy with my life doesnt mean everyone must be unhappy.

sadly we cannot exchange our lives with someone. it shouldnt matter to me if my neighbor is happy with his life. he's put the effort for it. n even if he hasnt put the effort, so what. just cause i'm in pain it doesnt mean he must also be in pain. i dont want anyone to mourn over me.

some are poor, some have broken body, some have toxic family. n even if others have better lives, so what?

At least those people get to brag about their hardships. They get to go around thumping their chest and boasting on how "strong" they are for going through $#%^ and not being "depressed". Hahahahahha! ######6 idiots.

Those who brag about their strengths are begging u for their envy. if you dont like them, then you're free to avoid them. sadly this is what people talk about. as we grow older we have more problems than reasons to laugh. those who engage in small talk or boast of their strengths, that's their choice. you're not obliged to listen to them. the other day i saw a celebrity on tv talking about how she tackled her depression n the psychologist was saying that she's got immense grit, even the journalist was praising the celebrity. i changed the challenge. that was my choice. i didnt go to youtube n post comments against her. i didnt agree with their conversation but it doesnt mean that because of me they must stop conversing.

Do I get any credit for my hardship? ###$ NO. 99.999% have NO ######6 IDEA what it's like to be me. Nor do they give a $#%^. I have "first world problems". Apparently agonizingly painful forms of cancer are also "first world problems" that people should just "get over".

this also happens to me but 99.999% people dont have to be my friends. i just need 1 friend. people dont understand depression. it's all right. even i dont indulge in social work n cure the world, so why should the world cure me. i just need .001% of the people around me to understand me.

that means 1 friend in 1000 people, that's good considering the huge population of the world.

No? That's DIFFERENT? REALLY! DIFFERENT? WHY! WHY YOU ######6 IMBECILES! SUFFERING IS SUFFERING. PAIN DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PHYSICAL YOU DUMB ######6 PIECES OF $#%^. TO ME DEPRESSION FEELS PHYSICAL. WHEN I HAVE IT BAD I CAN FEEL IT ALL OVER MY BODY. EVERYTHING FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE. IT HURTS TO EXIST.

when people have tooth ache, their friends help them but they dont do the dentist's work for them. if you could tell ur friends what u need, that will help them help u. i know there's nothing my friends will say that can help me, so i dont talk with them. its sad but i doubt how would i react if things were the other way around. its like if someone gets a financial challenge, i wouldnt give all my money to that person, similarly it wouldnt be fair for me expect my friends to give all their time to me.

we all have our own lives

Trite meaningless statement number 1893948893. What the ###$ is that supposed to mean? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Are you ######6 lecturing me? What the ###$?

it means comparing lives wont help. there are people with better lives than i am living, but there are also those with worse lives. i dont want to feel good about myself by comparing myself to someone who's living a worse life. so why must i feel bad about myself just cause someone's living a better life.

tiredofmyself wrote:[i]how do you know that they are lucky? have you lived their lives? there are countless people on the streets, people with agonizingly painful diseases, some guys are stuck in jails for crimes they didnt do, some women are stuck in marriages with husbands with anger issues, some minority group gets targeted by some mob, bullying happens in school all the time. some people are working away from their families. people do self-harm.

some parents regret having kids. if people had lucky lives there wouldnt be so many members on this forum, n there are many similar forums.

I said the majority of people. Not everyone. Also, people in bad circumstances can be happy anyways if they have good brain chemistry. I see it all the time. If you happen to have bad brain chemistry you'll be unhappy in any circumstance, unless you're high on powerful drugs.

and even if they are lucky, so what? it's their life. just cause i am not happy with my life doesnt mean everyone must be unhappy.

I'm not unhappy with my life. I'm unhappy with being unhappy. You seem to be lecturing me on how I should feel and it's just aggravating me more. If I'm constantly feeling miserable of course I'm going to envy people who appear to be happy the majority of the time. If I could control how I felt I wouldn't have posted what I did.

sadly we cannot exchange our lives with someone. it shouldnt matter to me if my neighbor is happy with his life. he's put the effort for it. n even if he hasnt put the effort, so what. just cause i'm in pain it doesnt mean he must also be in pain. i dont want anyone to mourn over me.

God I hate it when people say that. I don't want other people to be unhappy like me. I want to be happy like other people. Can you see the difference?

Okay. Maybe I do want some people to suffer. Only the assholes though. And only enough so they can understand suffering enough to realize they're idiots. Well, maybe there's some people I'd love to punish just for the sake of punishment. At least I admit it.

All these "shoulds" and moral judgements are really pointless and aggravating to me. Yea, ###$ me for caring what other people think. Unfortunately it often does matter what other people think. If you can't get disability for a "fake disease" like depression you might just wind up dead. Also, people are less likely to try and look for cures for a "fake disease" like depression as compared to a "real disease" like cancer.

Those who brag about their strengths are begging u for their envy. if you dont like them, then you're free to avoid them. sadly this is what people talk about. as we grow older we have more problems than reasons to laugh. those who engage in small talk or boast of their strengths, that's their choice. you're not obliged to listen to them. the other day i saw a celebrity on tv talking about how she tackled her depression n the psychologist was saying that she's got immense grit, even the journalist was praising the celebrity. i changed the challenge. that was my choice. i didnt go to youtube n post comments against her. i didnt agree with their conversation but it doesnt mean that because of me they must stop conversing.

I don't care if people brag. Good for her. I just don't like the double standards people have regarding mental verses physical illnesses. They should be treated the same.

this also happens to me but 99.999% people dont have to be my friends. i just need 1 friend. people dont understand depression. it's all right. even i dont indulge in social work n cure the world, so why should the world cure me. i just need .001% of the people around me to understand me.

that means 1 friend in 1000 people, that's good considering the huge population of the world.

The hard part is putting up with the 99999 while you desperately look for the 1.

when people have tooth ache, their friends help them but they dont do the dentist's work for them. if you could tell ur friends what u need, that will help them help u. i know there's nothing my friends will say that can help me, so i dont talk with them. its sad but i doubt how would i react if things were the other way around.

That's ridiculous. I wouldn't expect a friend to be able to cure me. I only ask that they be there for me and accept me as I am. I don't even want sympathy half as much as I want simple respect.

its like if someone gets a financial challenge, i wouldnt give all my money to that person, similarly it wouldnt be fair for me expect my friends to give all their time to me.

Again, I don't ask for much. I don't see why just being there for someone else and trying to understand where they're coming from has to be such a goddamn burden. People are so selfish these days.

it means comparing lives wont help. there are people with better lives than i am living, but there are also those with worse lives. i dont want to feel good about myself by comparing myself to someone who's living a worse life. so why must i feel bad about myself just cause someone's living a better life.

I don't feel bad about myself because of other people. I feel bad because I'm depressed. It sucks and it's not something I have control over. All I ask for is some understanding and respect. Apparently that's asking too much in this world.

Sorry to sound so bitter, but telling me how I should or shouldn't feel is just irritating. I feel what I feel. It is what it is. I can't magically will it away.

-- Wed Apr 08, 2015 1:59 pm --

Sorry if I'm coming off as an ass. I'm just really touchy with this $#%^.

you've helped me to realize my own thoughts.

there are times when i wish ill on my friends. i actually want them to go through the experiences that i went through. when i told them of the reason of my depression, one fellow told me to forget it n get over it, one fellow pitied me as if i'm a reason for him to feel good about himself. though now when i think they were as helpful as they could be.

one fellow posted a quote about life being short n we must enjoy each moment. it felt like a taunt at me. i dont talk with them but often wish ill on them. like i hope they go in some trouble or their kids/relatives is on the verge of similar childhood experience that i went through but the friends save their kids because they remember of what i had gone through. or my friends would see a genuine video on my ailment, so then they could call me n apologize for disregarding my depression.

but now when i think of it, i realize that my perception of me depends a lot on what my friends think of me. part of it is due to being neglected as a kid. so guess i just need a better set of friends. easier said than done since
i always got along well with very few people
i get tired talking to many people

i agree that there are times when i want my friends to be unhappy for reasons that:
they'd understand the pain n apologize to me
it would sort of justify my suffering

i realize its unhealthy to have this thought. unhealthy for my own mind. for me i'd rather go to the beach n step in the waves. i try to think of happy thoughts for people i care than the past friends. but its tough.

regarding your brain chemistry being unable to send you signals of positive feedback, i dont know, i mean, has it always been this way...

were there times in recent past when you enjoyed the moment. with me, when i receive praise for my work, i actually feel happy n proud of myself. or when i saw a flower on the potted plant, i liked it.

this may trigger:

i think if you're worried about being unhappy then it means your capable of being happy. you're not indifferent towards life, you're worried about your depression. its like if you're ill then you're capable to be fit. you're emotions aren't dead(indifferent).

sorry about my comment of not comparing lives. it did sound preachy. i have deacitvated my fb account cause i would envy the pics of my friends. i dont talk to people. my colleagues laugh, crack jokes n seem to enjoy life, whereas i seem stuck at my past. i'm worried of my future/life. while they seem to be more relaxed.

i'm tired of reading quotes of 'life is short, enjoy each moment, let go of regrets, we all make mistakes' but sadly that's truth. at times i feel sad that i'm not enjoying my youth. i dont think of my depression or the reason for it as a terrible ailment. the more i think of it as 'horrible, terrible' the more time n energy i am diverting to it.

i'm not invalidating your ailment but think of it as this way...if you see a river with plants in it, flowers, frogs, fish n birds in it, you'd be looking at the river n not be able to think about something else

but if you see a river which has some water n that's it. silent water, then you'd look at it but also be able to think of something else.

like you see a painting n ur mind if busy thinking about it, but if you see a blank wall, you're mind has freedom to think of other things cause the blank wall n silent river are boring the mind.

similarly if i give my ailment terms as horrible, terrible, ultra difficult...i'm only adding stuff to the river. but if i think of my ailment as 'unhealthy experience' then i'm not allowing my mind to ruminate over it. i'm making my ailment sound boring to my mind.

but there are times when i think of my past as horrible, terrible, worst thing anyone can go through. when i told of it to an online friend, he said, 'oh man, how can you go through it.'

but that was years ago and now i want to get over it. so i dont add much stuff on the river, rather let it be as it is. easier said than done.

i dont put any pressure on myself to heal in one day. but at times i listen to some songs n watch cartoons to cheer myself. i think it's all right if i'm happy for 1 hour in 72 hours as long as i'm in peace with myself for remaining 71 hours. i dont crave to be happy and laugh every day but i also dont want to feel guilty and suffer each hour of the day. at times i just stare at the wall n hope for death. its tough. depression is tough. no wonder its such a big word.

regarding how to deal with 999 people if the 1 in 1000 people understand you. i try to ignore them. n they're not complete jerks. you may be surprised to know that of the 999 people, maybe person 560 knows how to save taxes n can help you or that person 420 knows people who give a great car deal.

sorry if i upset you in anyway. i was hurt when i was told that mental illness are imaginary, that it's all in the head. i didnt mean to invalidate your ailment.

tiredofmyself wrote:i realize its unhealthy to have this thought. unhealthy for my own mind. for me i'd rather go to the beach n step in the waves. i try to think of happy thoughts for people i care than the past friends. but its tough.

I think it's usually best to just forget that you exist. That's when I'm happiest. When I'm not focusing on myself at all. Our culture tells us to focus on ourselves all the time when it's actually quite sick. Critiquing my own thoughts is focusing on myself. That's why it never works.

regarding your brain chemistry being unable to send you signals of positive feedback, i dont know, i mean, has it always been this way...

I have so-called "atypical depression". I've had depression to some degree ever since I was about 14 or so. No obvious cause. When you're a teenager and you feel depressed for the first time it seems like you've just made the discovery that life is completely pointless and everyone else is some kind of dupe. People dismiss it as some kind of Holden Caulfield phase that you get over. Then you don't ever get over it. I have windows where I feel better. I felt better in my mid 20s, then it returned in my late 20s. I'm almost 35 now. It's just gotten particularly bad in the last year or so, like worse than it's ever been in my life. That's why I'm so discouraged. I just feel like this will never end. If I didn't have hope that it would get better I'd be making plans to kill myself. I don't care what other people think, I refuse to live like this for the rest of my life. The scales don't balance. It's just not worth it. I only exist for others at this point.

were there times in recent past when you enjoyed the moment. with me, when i receive praise for my work, i actually feel happy n proud of myself. or when i saw a flower on the potted plant, i liked it.

It depends on how depressed I am. Sometimes nothing phases me. I could win the lottery tomorrow and still feel nothing. Other times I have short windows where I seem happy to others. I don't always feel like it's real happiness though. It's hard to describe. Even if I laugh at something or have a smile on my face there's still this pain underneath. The best analogy for how it feels is nausea. Everyone is telling you how great the food is but you have no appetite and feel miserable. I don't know how to make it go away. People always say just force yourself to eat and pretend you're enjoying it even though you aren't, but even that doesn't always work.

this may trigger:

i think if you're worried about being unhappy then it means your capable of being happy. you're not indifferent towards life, you're worried about your depression. its like if you're ill then you're capable to be fit. you're emotions aren't dead(indifferent).

You're right. I'm not indifferent. That's why people who don't understand piss me off so much. If someone presumes I'm not trying or don't want to get better I just want to punch them in the face. The things they tell me don't even make me feel any better. If they did I'd want to try harder. I can see how they might be frustrated, but at least they don't have to exist inside me.

sorry about my comment of not comparing lives. it did sound preachy. i have deacitvated my fb account cause i would envy the pics of my friends. i dont talk to people. my colleagues laugh, crack jokes n seem to enjoy life, whereas i seem stuck at my past. i'm worried of my future/life. while they seem to be more relaxed.

Sorry about being cranky. I know you mean well. It's an extreme battle not to dwell on things. The thoughts triggering the negative feelings seem to sit in the unconscious part of the mind. That's why they always come back so easily.

i'm tired of reading quotes of 'life is short, enjoy each moment, let go of regrets, we all make mistakes' but sadly that's truth. at times i feel sad that i'm not enjoying my youth. i dont think of my depression or the reason for it as a terrible ailment. the more i think of it as 'horrible, terrible' the more time n energy i am diverting to it.

My psychologist gave me a test once. He told me to try to not think about a pink rhinoceros for the next five minutes. You'll get a shock each time you think about a pink rhinoceros! So how many times did you get shocked?

It just proves that it's impossible to directly control thoughts. On the other hand it might have indirectly stopped you from thinking about how horrible you feel. Instead you're thinking about how silly and sadistic that kind of test would be and maybe cracking a smile. Maybe just a little bit.

Distraction definitely works better than trying to tell yourself what bad thoughts not to have. It's hard to distract myself sometimes though. I think it's because I start noticing myself feeling negative emotions even when I'm not directly thinking about anything negative. It's like it's tainting my ability to enjoy the thing I'm trying to focus on. For example I try to play a video game, then I find myself getting bored. I feel like I'm just making myself do it without really enjoying it. Then I get upset about not being able to enjoy a damn video game and all negative thoughts come back.

i'm not invalidating your ailment but think of it as this way...if you see a river with plants in it, flowers, frogs, fish n birds in it, you'd be looking at the river n not be able to think about something else

but if you see a river which has some water n that's it. silent water, then you'd look at it but also be able to think of something else.

like you see a painting n ur mind if busy thinking about it, but if you see a blank wall, you're mind has freedom to think of other things cause the blank wall n silent river are boring the mind.

similarly if i give my ailment terms as horrible, terrible, ultra difficult...i'm only adding stuff to the river. but if i think of my ailment as 'unhealthy experience' then i'm not allowing my mind to ruminate over it. i'm making my ailment sound boring to my mind.

It seems like the key is to make things other than my ailment seem less boring. It's just that when everything seems boring that's what comes to my mind. Not that I think pure depression is that interesting. Sadness in art can be beautiful, but there's something more to it than just depression. Depression by itself is just a void of pointless suffering.

but there are times when i think of my past as horrible, terrible, worst thing anyone can go through. when i told of it to an online friend, he said, 'oh man, how can you go through it.'

Does it feel good to get validation? Or does it just make you feel worse? You know it isn't your fault. You know you're not completely alone as someone else sympathizes. I guess that's still not enough to make it just go away. That's what you'd really want. You can't undo the past, but the mind can forget (at least theoretically). Maybe there's a part of your mind that doesn't want to forget. There's a little irrational part of your brain that wants to keep going over it thinking it can somehow be fixed that way. It's natural as usually we learn how to deal with the future from past experience. In this case there really isn't anything to learn. Your past isn't representative of life in general. It's just unfortunate. I wish I had better advice.

but that was years ago and now i want to get over it. so i dont add much stuff on the river, rather let it be as it is. easier said than done.

I understand. I mean, not completely obviously, but I ruminate on much smaller stupider things. Things like internet trolls talking about depression being a "fake disease". I shouldn't even care as those people really aren't even very intelligent. It's not even about them though. It's just the idea of invalidation. I feel like invalidation of suffering is more cruel than physically beating someone. I just hear stories and it makes me sick with anger.

i dont put any pressure on myself to heal in one day. but at times i listen to some songs n watch cartoons to cheer myself. i think it's all right if i'm happy for 1 hour in 72 hours as long as i'm in peace with myself for remaining 71 hours. i dont crave to be happy and laugh every day but i also dont want to feel guilty and suffer each hour of the day. at times i just stare at the wall n hope for death. its tough. depression is tough. no wonder its such a big word.

I guess I don't have that symptom. I don't feel guilty for things I intellectually know aren't my fault. But I know enough from my own experience that saying "don't feel guilty" might simply make you feel guilty for feeling guilty. Have you ever tried just paying attention to the physical sensation you have when you feel guilt? I mean, sometimes when I feel like crap it's better to just lay down and stare at the ceiling and say "I'm feeling like crap" instead of thinking about things I'm not doing and worrying about being "lazy" on top of feeling sick. Just give myself a break and stop analyzing things others might perceive.

regarding how to deal with 999 people if the 1 in 1000 people understand you. i try to ignore them. n they're not complete jerks. you may be surprised to know that of the 999 people, maybe person 560 knows how to save taxes n can help you or that person 420 knows people who give a great car deal.

That's funny! If I don't read a stupid opinion person 560 or 420 writes on the internet I won't have to think they're a jerk. I try to look for clues that a person will be more understanding before I bring up personal things. Even with empathetic people I get paranoid.

sorry if i upset you in anyway. i was hurt when i was told that mental illness are imaginary, that it's all in the head. i didnt mean to invalidate your ailment.

I accept your apology. I was way more angry at other people anyways. I was just being cranky. I hope it didn't upset you too much. I got some things bothering me that I'm not even bringing up here.

I only exist for others at this point.

Writing a story or a poem or just going for a walk helps me. most of my stories are about regret/influence of toxic people on others or of kids with supportive parents.

i dont pretend to be happy just so others would say, 'look n learn from him. he's always happy. one should learn to live life from him.'

often i just lie on the bed n stare at the ceiling n say, 'it's all right.'

i'm seeking for more peace n less happiness.

The best analogy for how it feels is nausea. Everyone is telling you how great the food is but you have no appetite and feel miserable. I don't know how to make it go away. People always say just force yourself to eat and pretend you're enjoying it even though you aren't, but even that doesn't always work.

Which is why i have fruits. the body needs nutrients, similarly humans need to laugh once in a while. if i feel nausea, i'll just have a fruit juice or some light food. so when i feel very low, i'll listen to a philosophical song on youtube or some cheerful song. not a party song but just a cheerful song about life.

My psychologist gave me a test once. He told me to try to not think about a pink rhinoceros for the next five minutes. You'll get a shock each time you think about a pink rhinoceros! So how many times did you get shocked?

Yup, i've heard this trick. the professor tried with white elephant or blue elephant, not sure the color but it was an elephant

It just proves that it's impossible to directly control thoughts.

i've watched a few videos on youtube by mark freeman:
you are not your thoughts
---he says just as you are not every fart, similarly you are not your thoughts.
how to accept terrible thoughts
---he uses a good example

Instead you're thinking about how silly and sadistic that kind of test would be and maybe cracking a smile. Maybe just a little bit.

I did smile:)

Distraction definitely works better than trying to tell yourself what bad thoughts not to have. It's hard to distract myself sometimes though. I think it's because I start noticing myself feeling negative emotions even when I'm not directly thinking about anything negative. It's like it's tainting my ability to enjoy the thing I'm trying to focus on. For example I try to play a video game, then I find myself getting bored. I feel like I'm just making myself do it without really enjoying it. Then I get upset about not being able to enjoy a damn video game and all negative thoughts come back.

i try to accept the thought. its like if your leg is broken you dont play football or go run a marathon. so if your thoughts are a little off the healthy spectrum then you dont distract the mind. i accept the thought, n almost try to talk with it, like 'ok thought i know you're here but i dont have to follow your advice, you dont have to go away n i dont have to follow your thought. you're not stupid. i'm indifferent to you. we're both independent of each other.'

the thought is not my slave to go away but nor am i the thought's slave to follow its advice n look after it. it's there, i dont ignore it. i just listen to it as some professor who's lecture i dont like but have to listen. eventually the brain which likes to conserve energy will stop encouraging the thought.
speaking to the negative thought as if its a kid helps.

there's one anxiety curve video on youtube by mark freeman.

It seems like the key is to make things other than my ailment seem less boring. It's just that when everything seems boring that's what comes to my mind. Not that I think pure depression is that interesting. Sadness in art can be beautiful, but there's something more to it than just depression. Depression by itself is just a void of pointless suffering.

i think its ok to have those thoughts come to the mind. but its also ok to have positive memories. there was a time when i was very depressed but i'd go to the beach n relax, sort of look at the waves, bare feet pressing the sand. try to imagine a movie scene where the character is passing a philosophy about life.
the walks on beach didnt cheer me up but now when i look back, i'm glad i went. so when i feel low i feel glad that i also have some nice memories to reflect on to.

i'm not saying that one must force oneself to get out of depression n do something. going to the beach didnt exercise me physically much. n that was a good thing that it didnt require much effort.

Does it feel good to get validation? Or does it just make you feel worse?

Initially i kinda liked the sympathy like a few were saying, 'oh my god you've gone through so much.' my problems became my claim to pride. but now i dont like it. i was using my problem as a proof of my superiority over others sort of like
'see, i've gone through so much.'

now i dont compare lives n think that just cause i've suffered i'm better/stronger than others. everyone's got issues, mine maybe graver but i dont have to use it to get attention. i'd rather have attention through muscles. easier said than done.

i dont judge others. if someone's lazy or angry at the colleague, there must be a reason for the person's behavior. i dont laugh at them. this has sort of helped me 'not judge' myself for my mistakes

Maybe there's a part of your mind that doesn't want to forget.

The reason my mind doesnt want to forget is cause i often think that had the past not occurred i wouldnt have been in depression, maybe, wouldnt have had nervous breakdowns in public n then i would've been on the other side of the group that judges people n says, 'oh grow up, cheer up, stop whining all the time. life is what you make out of it. follow your dreams, it's possible' there was a time, n i'm ashamed of it now, when i would laugh at depressed folks. now i'm not judgmental but wish the transition had occurred without a public nervous breakdown. of course its a catch-22 situation.

It's natural as usually we learn how to deal with the future from past experience.

Experience does teach a lot.

Things like internet trolls talking about depression being a "fake disease". I shouldn't even care as those people really aren't even very intelligent. It's not even about them though. It's just the idea of invalidation. I feel like invalidation of suffering is more cruel than physically beating someone. I just hear stories and it makes me sick with anger.

Yeah even i dont like being ignored or when someone tells me to 'just try to control your anger' or 'try to stay busy, that will help you,' or the constant 'how are you now?'

well i'd like to tell them that i'm not fine, i need a kidney can you give me one? its annoying. i ignore most of the people around me. have stopped talking with those friends. but to be fair on them its not their fault if their jerks. they dont know what to say n will say what they're capable of. its like if you tell a kid to throw oil in fire to extinguish it, he will do it cause that's what he's been taught.

Have you ever tried just paying attention to the physical sensation you have when you feel guilt?

it feels as if someone's twisting my spine. i remember lying on the bed, with the room completely dark n i was praying to God to please kill me.

I mean, sometimes when I feel like crap it's better to just lay down and stare at the ceiling and say "I'm feeling like crap" instead of thinking about things I'm not doing and worrying about being "lazy" on top of feeling sick. Just give myself a break and stop analyzing things others might perceive.

True, at times one must just relax the mind n allow it to rest.

That's funny! If I don't read a stupid opinion person 560 or 420 writes on the internet I won't have to think they're a jerk. I try to look for clues that a person will be more understanding before I bring up personal things. Even with empathetic people I get paranoid.

which is why we dont have to best friends with one n all. the guy who drives the train maybe a guy who doesnt believe in depression but i wont think about his thoughts n 'not travel' by train cause of him. the guy who caught the fish i bought for dinner, may think that women are better in houses doing household chores but that doesnt mean that i wont eat fish cause of him. i dont give him importance. my neighbor may be racist but if he's got a great garden then i will admire the roses n even look at them while sitting on the porch.

the guy who made internet may have ideas about life that i dont agree with but it doesnt mean that i'll boycott the internet.

I got some things bothering me that I'm not even bringing up here.

i understand. let's hope things get better for all of us.