I hate the word "depression"

This is something that's really been angering me lately. I hate the word "depression". It's so meaningless to me. What people think it means is so far off from my experience. Everyone seems to think depression is just someone sitting around complaining about how terrible their life circumstances are, how unlucky they are, how they're a failure, etc... That whole notion seems to just invite assholes to come in and blast it as some kind of fake disease that can be willed away with "positive thinking". To completely boil depression down to self-esteem issues... or someone struggling to get what they want out of life... feeling disappointed... etc... just trivializes it. These are all issues that a BIG chunk of people are familiar with.

What they can't comprehend is my experience. I don't blame depression on my circumstances. I'm actually fairly privileged. I don't have any horror stories from my upbringing. All I have is the horror of DEPRESSION itself. They can't understand why I can't just get up and go to a ######6 job like everyone else. They don't understand why every little thing is such drag to me. It often seems to take this monumental mental effort to do something simple like shower or go to the store to get food. They don't understand the days where everything is just uncomfortable and I just feel this malaise all over my body that I can't even describe to anyone. To them I'm just LAZY. They can't understand the TORTURE of having the reward center of your brain basically removed. They don't understand not being able to coerce myself into being interested in the crap I'm supposed to be interested in. They don't understand why I DON'T EVEN FUNCTION.

And it's not a ######6 self-esteem issue until people make it into one BY JUDGING ME FOR BEING ######6 ILL. The primary issue is ANHEDONIA. I DON'T SEE THE POINT IN DOING THINGS BECAUSE MY BRAIN ISN'T PRODUCING THE RIGHT GODDAMN SIGNALS THAT MAKE THINGS REWARDING FOR NORMAL PEOPLE. Normal people don't ######6 get it. The vast majority of mildly depressed people with "self-esteem issues" because they were "bullied in high school" yet are still able to go to work and laugh with friends and basically function don't get it. I could have everything in the world and still be miserable because my brain is ###$. I don't think most people have any comprehension of that. They just take it for granted that they will find certain things rewarding and pleasureful, and they think I will too if I just "think positive".

Also, the more depressed I get the harder it is to feel "sad" in the normal sense. I can't describe exactly what I do feel. I feel empty, but I also feel this burning rage. It's just this burning raging hole in me. It's just plain mental anguish. I'm inconsolable.

Is it any wonder that I've tried every antidepressent there is and nothing has ever worked? Maybe I don't have "depression". What do I have? The medical profession has failed me. They're clueless.

Hello if you are still depressed after anti-depressants. Have you inquired about adding an anti-psychotic to your anti-depressants? I have heard that for treatment resistant depression, they add anti-psychotics.

Imperius wrote:Hello if you are still depressed after anti-depressants. Have you inquired about adding an anti-psychotic to your anti-depressants? I have heard that for treatment resistant depression, they add anti-psychotics.

Anti-psychotics scare me. They seem to make me feel more depressed. I've taken Latuda and an hour and a half after taking it I start to feel this wave of utter EXHAUSTION and deep dark sadness coming over me. Its not just sleepiness. Its this feeling that my brain is incredibly heavy and I'm sinking into a dark hole in slow motion.

The only medications that seem to help are stimulants like Ritalin or Adderall. I build tolerance quickly and they stop working though.

people say what they know. they dont know any other thing to say. that's why i dont talk of my illness to any of my friends. i've cut them from my life. it's also not their fault that they're incapable of understanding my depression.

they have other issues in their life for them to have time n energy to read a book about depression. besides, i dont help them with their issues.

even i have immense rage in me, but its because of sad experiences in my life.

regarding people not understanding the ailment, dont hang out with them. you dont have to create awareness in them about depression. easier said than done though. i'm a hypocrite for wanting my friends to call me n then i'll remind them of the time they treated me like $#%^.

sorry couldnt be much helpful.

tiredofmyself wrote:regarding people not understanding the ailment, dont hang out with them. you dont have to create awareness in them about depression. easier said than done though. i'm a hypocrite for wanting my friends to call me n then i'll remind them of the time they treated me like $#%^.

Of course I don't want to be around people who don't understand it. If they trigger me it's outright dangerous. I'm already envious of people who are so lucky they don't have to experience this torture and hell. If they start to attack me I simply won't have it. I'm already hurting too much to be attacked and ridiculed. The people that attack me while I'm already in this suffering state unleash a horrible beast. I will scare the living crap out of them and then they will be gone from my life forever. I think I have something far worse than normal depression. I feel so much anger and hatred for certain people. People just downplay this kind of suffering so much. The injustice. The way people just dismiss it. That's what I can't stand. The anger and hate keeps boiling and boiling until I exhaust myself and feel ill. I can't deal with being blamed for my suffering. People don't believe the anguish is real until I explode. I don't care if people think I'm insane. They just need to know that what I am going through is real. There's no way to show them that they're backing me into a corner without unleashing my anger and hatred. If course it's hard for me to have empathy for normal people. They don't really know suffering. That's why they come up with nonsense like "suicide is selfish". They don't fully appreciate the magnitude of the suffering the suicidal person is going through. It's like there's something that blocks their brain from imagining a pain so immense they can't take another minute of it. That's why you have these judgemental people who imagine themselves as strong and capable of handing anything (never mind that they never properly define what it means to "handle" something). Their imagination for suffering is blunted somehow. Nothing blocks my imagination. I have trouble imagining happiness as it exists in people I see, but I have no trouble imagining horror.

its annoying when people judge you. once a friend was mocking me n when i told him to stop it, others ganged up on me n said, 'dont i have a sense of humor?' i ended up apologizing.

the hatred towards people is a lot. even i have immense of it. but it wont help u. its a cliched advice to channelize it. i tried it with gym n it felt good for some time.

by hating people, you're judging them. if i dont like someone, i avoid that person.

if people blame you for your suffering then that's their problem. surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.

people who say that 'i can handle all my issues myself' well for them there's this quote:
if you play a sport n if you've won every sport then it means that you're playing with kids

most people dont have any achievements in life, so they say their entire life is an achievement. they'd rather brag than get bored
they'd rather give bizarre advice about depression cause they all think they're psychologists, they think they're great

dont believe that others are lucky that they dont have to go through your level of depression...everyone has challenges in life. even non-depressed folks have issues.

some are poor, some have broken body, some have toxic family. n even if others have better lives, so what? we all have our own lives

I just finished a book by Matt Haig where he says it shouldn't be called depression, but "I have black bats in my chest and they take a lot of space. PS. I see a shadow". Both funny and sad. And true.

"Depression" is a word that unfortunately has a lot of uses in our society. I have really sweet friends who would still come to me and say "I know depression, I was depressed for three days after my breakup, and I cried a lot, but I pulled myself up by my bootstrings and got myself together, just try it". Yeah, I'm on disability and haven't worked since 2011 because I am too lazy/stupid to just get myself together, I think. "Thanks, but that doesn't work with me," I say out loud. This is why so many people feel they can give advice on depression: they had a breakup or lost their job, or their mother died, and they were really sad for a while but then they stopped being sad and moved on. But depression is an illness. It doesn't even need a trigger. You can be rich, famous, popular and depressed, like Marian Keyes or Ruby Wax.

I think it was Tyler Hamilton who said during depression your brain thinks that you are dying and sends shutdown signals to your body. So you literally feel like you are in agony. Except, of course, you aren't and it's invisible from the outside. When you have a broken bone and a plaster cast, people will tsk tsk, bring flowers and wish you a speedy recovery. But when you're depressed, there's nothing to show for it. You're in horrible pain but you can't point at a physical ailment and say "this is where the problem lies".

*TW below*

For me depression feels like I am becoming heavier. Then the heaviness gets so big I can't walk anymore. And then I can't move my hands. And then I can't speak. And I just lie down somewhere, blinking helplessly, unable to even articulate what the hell is going on, three thoughts running in a loop in my head: I am useless, I am a waste of space, I don't want to live. And then it goes away and I feel as if I just woke up, and I discover I'm hungry, and I feel like listening to some music while cooking. But it doesn't go away because "I pulled myself together". It goes away because it goes away.

If I had friends who were joking about my depression, I would tell them in detail what a suicide attempt looks like. Then, if they still felt it was funny, I would cease contact with them.

tiredofmyself wrote:its annoying when people judge you. once a friend was mocking me n when i told him to stop it, others ganged up on me n said, 'dont i have a sense of humor?' i ended up apologizing.

Oliveira wrote:If I had friends who were joking about my depression, I would tell them in detail what a suicide attempt looks like. Then, if they still felt it was funny, I would cease contact with them.

This is the problem. If someone did those things to me they wouldn't merely not be my friend anymore. I'd knock their goddamn ######6 teeth in. People mess with depressed people because they think we're weak pushovers. I'm not. I ######6 refuse. I don't apologize. I don't care anymore. I just stand up for myself.

If these people are "friends", I can't imagine what enemies look like. Seems like the word "friend" is meaningless these days as well. If you only have friends like that you're alone. Just ######6 admit it.

You know what? I almost wish people would come and abuse me to my face more often. I hate just putting holes in the goddamn walls.

tiredofmyself wrote:dont believe that others are lucky that they dont have to go through your level of depression...everyone has challenges in life. even non-depressed folks have issues.

No, the vast majority are ######6 lucky. Get real.

some are poor, some have broken body, some have toxic family. n even if others have better lives, so what?

At least those people get to brag about their hardships. They get to go around thumping their chest and boasting on how "strong" they are for going through $#%^ and not being "depressed". Hahahahahha! ######6 idiots.

Do I get any credit for my hardship? ###$ NO. 99.999% have NO ######6 IDEA what it's like to be me. Nor do they give a $#%^. I have "first world problems". Apparently agonizingly painful forms of cancer are also "first world problems" that people should just "get over".

No? That's DIFFERENT? REALLY! DIFFERENT? WHY! WHY YOU ######6 IMBECILES! SUFFERING IS SUFFERING. PAIN DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PHYSICAL YOU DUMB ######6 PIECES OF $#%^. TO ME DEPRESSION FEELS PHYSICAL. WHEN I HAVE IT BAD I CAN FEEL IT ALL OVER MY BODY. EVERYTHING FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE. IT HURTS TO EXIST.

we all have our own lives

Trite meaningless statement number 1893948893. What the ###$ is that supposed to mean? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Are you ######6 lecturing me? What the ###$?

Oliveira wrote:For me depression feels like I am becoming heavier. Then the heaviness gets so big I can't walk anymore. And then I can't move my hands. And then I can't speak. And I just lie down somewhere, blinking helplessly, unable to even articulate what the hell is going on, three thoughts running in a loop in my head: I am useless, I am a waste of space, I don't want to live. And then it goes away and I feel as if I just woke up, and I discover I'm hungry, and I feel like listening to some music while cooking. But it doesn't go away because "I pulled myself together". It goes away because it goes away.

Mine hasn't fully gone away for months. I seem to go back and forth between that listless lethargy and acute mental anguish and rage. The latter is something beyond depression I think. That's how meaningless the word "depression" is. No two people even have the same symptoms. I get angry more than sad. Trying to describe it to some random imbecile is futile.