This is something that's really been angering me lately. I hate the word "depression". It's so meaningless to me. What people think it means is so far off from my experience. Everyone seems to think depression is just someone sitting around complaining about how terrible their life circumstances are, how unlucky they are, how they're a failure, etc... That whole notion seems to just invite assholes to come in and blast it as some kind of fake disease that can be willed away with "positive thinking". To completely boil depression down to self-esteem issues... or someone struggling to get what they want out of life... feeling disappointed... etc... just trivializes it. These are all issues that a BIG chunk of people are familiar with.
What they can't comprehend is my experience. I don't blame depression on my circumstances. I'm actually fairly privileged. I don't have any horror stories from my upbringing. All I have is the horror of DEPRESSION itself. They can't understand why I can't just get up and go to a ######6 job like everyone else. They don't understand why every little thing is such drag to me. It often seems to take this monumental mental effort to do something simple like shower or go to the store to get food. They don't understand the days where everything is just uncomfortable and I just feel this malaise all over my body that I can't even describe to anyone. To them I'm just LAZY. They can't understand the TORTURE of having the reward center of your brain basically removed. They don't understand not being able to coerce myself into being interested in the crap I'm supposed to be interested in. They don't understand why I DON'T EVEN FUNCTION.
And it's not a ######6 self-esteem issue until people make it into one BY JUDGING ME FOR BEING ######6 ILL. The primary issue is ANHEDONIA. I DON'T SEE THE POINT IN DOING THINGS BECAUSE MY BRAIN ISN'T PRODUCING THE RIGHT GODDAMN SIGNALS THAT MAKE THINGS REWARDING FOR NORMAL PEOPLE. Normal people don't ######6 get it. The vast majority of mildly depressed people with "self-esteem issues" because they were "bullied in high school" yet are still able to go to work and laugh with friends and basically function don't get it. I could have everything in the world and still be miserable because my brain is ###$. I don't think most people have any comprehension of that. They just take it for granted that they will find certain things rewarding and pleasureful, and they think I will too if I just "think positive".
Also, the more depressed I get the harder it is to feel "sad" in the normal sense. I can't describe exactly what I do feel. I feel empty, but I also feel this burning rage. It's just this burning raging hole in me. It's just plain mental anguish. I'm inconsolable.
Is it any wonder that I've tried every antidepressent there is and nothing has ever worked? Maybe I don't have "depression". What do I have? The medical profession has failed me. They're clueless.