Reaching out... for what? I lost my emotions

It all started 2 years ago when i was 15 and almost turned 16. I was goofing around in bed because i couldn't sleep. Suddenly a strange thought appeared in my mind. We what am/was i doing, for who am i doing this. what is the point of all this? I cried myself to sleep that night this continued for a few more weeks. Until i started to search on the internet, i kept searching for days because i couldn't find anything that described my feelings. until i came across existential depression which is apparently called a gift for children of my age. I would rather call it a curse. So, like some therapists online recommended: start searching for a goal.

I was searching for about 2 months until i watched the anime Clannad which really made me want to have/create a nice family. don't get me wrong though. My family is nice but quite narrow minded. I haven't even told them of this because they wouldn't take me serious. my concurrent vision upon the world is pretty sinister/messed up. I also hope to achieve making good sampling music like Fat Jon for example. His album "afterthought" really inspires me.

But the strangest thing happened last autumn. I started to feel rather disconnected from people. I was always kind of an observer, because i don't really participate or ever have in conversations. Not because of being socially anxious or shy. Just because i don't feel like it. Or the person doesn't seem interesting enough. But this time i felt REAL disconnection, this started to grow on my, it ate my inside. Now i am here in April, yet i'm in in a state of complete apathy. I still have my normal act/personality against people, but it's just a mask to cover up my broken self, to hide my heart which shattered into fragments. I don't feel like committing suicide strangely.. i haven't even thought about this once. I'm not happy nor sad, i'm just constantly floating in the middle. Just complete nothingness. I feel like being devoured by darkness yet i don't fear it, i embrace it. death doesn't make me shiver, i'm more interested in what happens after that.

I am an atheist, i don't believe in scientific facts/theory's. I have an nice family my family does have a bit of forced Christianity which i don't really mind, i'm not poor either in fact i'm the opposite. I had friends by i took distance from them, i couldn't relate to them. I didn't feel interested anymore in them either. I don't take any medicines. I'm not anti-social. I'm not some kind of self-cutting emo. I'm just showing a glimpse of monster inside.

The most bizarre thing is that i can regain my emotions when i'm doing my hobby's like: Gaming, watching movie's/anime, listening music. As long as i'm not getting interrupted. i can attain emotional feelings towards fictional characters but not towards normal humans. Perhaps i am no longer human. I'm almost 17 now. Nobody know's the "real" me. But i now have the balls to write this on your site. This is the first time explaining my feelings online so it took quite a bit of guts. I'm lost, i'm a ghost. i endlessly drift towards.. well nothing. Nobody sees me. What can i do? Am i broken? Please help.

What you are describing reminds me of my first year with depression. I always thought depresion means you cry a lot. I didn't. I just didn't feel anything. I forgot how to laugh. Once I walked past a funny poster, looked at it and said "haha" in a deadpan voice -- this was the moment I realised I couldn't remember when something actually made me laugh.

I spent a year waiting for this flatness to go away. Eventually I decided it wouldn't, and I was broken beyond repair, and decided to end my life... but literally just before doing so I thought, well, I never believed in psychiatry and pills, but seeing as I'm about to die anyway, I might just give them a shot. First pill didn't work. But second one did. And I got my life back, with normal emotions, laughter, sadness, love.

This is not to say "go to a psychiatrist and get some pills". It's just that what you wrote moved me. I hope you find your emotions soon.

Have you heard of emotional flattening? That is a symptom of schizophrenia so you probably wouldn't know. I am not saying you are a schizophrenic at all but the idea that you don't feel anything, not happy, not sad, not depressed, just a flat line. That is emotional flattening.