Depression, suicidal thoughts

Hello! Sorry, if my writing is not very advanced, I am not a native English speaker. It will be a long post, I will try to sum up my situation, but it's hard, because I have many problems, and so much questions and suffering that comes from many points of view. I don't know where to start but I will try. I just want to talk to someone, to unload my thoughts, as I am literally alone right now.
I have a huge headache, not sure if it is because of the massive crying (that won't stop as much as I try) or because of the millions of questions in my head, as no one is answering, no one is here to tell me all I want to know about my life, about everything..and the brain is tired of holding too much information, well I think is because of both. But the two main questions that describe my present state are: why am I still here? what is the point of still being here?

I have suffered all my life. The main problem comes from my parents. My father hated me from the beginning, and never showed me love. I am 23 yrs old, I still stay with my parents because of them, because no one is helping me to have my own place (they are poor), and where I am living, even if it is the capital of Europe (a beautiful city), the salaries are small, and the majority of people are not living, they are trying to survive with the minimal salary of 200$-250$ a month, working 12hours a day like some slaves. And I don't want to live like that. To destroy my health, to not have time for more important things in life.The university diplomma doesn’t mean a thing, it's not important either. It is not simple to have your own house, car and so forth, it is simple for those with good parents that support their children and have money. Not my case. And I was not born as an IT expert either, to have a more than decent salary, let's say 1000$ a month.

So, my father physically abused me all my life, he even said he wants me dead, he described how I should jump out the window, and even if I am 23 yrs old, recently he said how he wanted me to hang myself. He always beated me hard, everytime he had the occasion, he always called me stupid, good for nothing, basically he unloaded all his frustrations on me. He never beated his wife, only me. Even if they have their fights, and my mom wanted to leave home, and leave him, she didn't take action. She didn't divorce, even if she heard him how he wanted me dead. And I will hate her forever for this, because she destroyed my life for not doing what she should have done from the first time I was abused and because of her sh**ty choice of marrying him. She never listens, she always says that my dad loves me, but he doesn't know how to show it, that it could be worse (she also had an abusive father, but he was drunk most of the time, my father is awake while telling those things, which is way worse), and other BS like that. She always pretends that everything is ok, no, it’s not! She always complaints. It is more important for her not to break her peace and her fake happiness, with my expressed suffering and my bursts of crying out of despair. As I said, she never listens to me. I think she suffers from Stockholm syndrome, otherwise, I can’t explain her lack of intelligence, logic and good/moral behaviour.

Everytime I wanted to take action, to leave the house, something bad came up, right now I can barely walk, because of some problems with my knees. And this makes me think nothing is going to change, if everytime bad comes up and I have this curse that is following me. For the past 3 months I have endured the worst physical pain in my life and the unability to get back to sports (which helps me a lot, helps me forget about my problems, to have a good mental/physical state), resulted to depression, maybe the worst of my life. And most of all, I can’t go on long distances in the city, I am stuck here, in this miserable house with some miserable parents that don’t support me and don’t listen to me, and my mother didn’t believe how much pain I have endured. She always complaints, but unlike me, she CAN WALK. The pain I endured made me want to die, to not feel it anymore. That bad it was and it still is.

Even when I want to talk with some relatives I am close to about my suffering, she criticizes me that I make them cry. So, I am only good for making people laugh? Yeah, that is basically it. Yes, I am a fun person, but it’s killing me that no one is here with me to listen to me, and to be there even in bad times, not only when I am a fun person and I make people laugh.
Now, about my social life and friends. I had also bad luck related to this aspect. I was disappointed by the people I thought I was close to, and the only person I talked to about every aspect of my life (boyfriend), is gone, in the sense that we don’t talk any more. We have many fights, but the only thing I was sure in this situation was that he loves me and that we would never break up. Yes, sounds silly, but I am very selective about the people I talk to and I am intimately close with, and he was the only one I could trust. And now, I am truly ALONE. And it’s killing me inside, and my depression is increasing. I am a strong person, but being alone, this feeling is the worst in the world. You know what they say, if 2 fight a lot, they truly love each other. And I love this kind of relationship, but this time, I think it is for good, we are done forever. He isn’t ignoring me because of the many problems I have, he was there when I was low, but because of the fights he is not talking to me. I didn’t need anyone to talk to, he was enough, and when it’s over, you get to this worst state, of not having anyone else to talk to. He knew that he was the only person I talked to for a while, that he was enough for me, and he ignores me now. This is so damn cruel of him and I hate him for this.

I had a few friends (maybe 2), a few people that I could talk about everything (I didn’t resonate with most people I had contact with). Some of them disappointed me and I ignored them for good. About the other aquaintances I enjoyed talking to...I disappeared from the background because I didn’t want to talk to them about my problems, and in general people like fun people. No one likes depressed ones. So that is why I am ALONE now.

My black thoughts also include this worthless and meaningless feeling about myself. I want to hug somebody, to give my love unconditionally, I always imagine myself having a child that I love (even though I don’t want kids), I imagine myself how I make him happy, offer him everything, how I am a good parent that doesn’t make himself a hateful one, how I say to my kid „I am proud of you”and how he also feels the same way, how he says the same thing about me. Being a parent isn’t for everyone, it is a great PURPOSE and ACHIEVEMENT to become a parent your child doesn’t hate. I would like to achieve this, I think maybe this will bring meaning to my life, having a child to give my love to, to make some one happy, but the main reason that I don’t want this is that I am AFRAID. I am afraid that I won’t be able to give him all he wants, that I will make big mistakes, how I will be poor forever. But also, the reason I don’t want to do this is because of this cruel, bad, world. I am afraid that my child will suffer because of the people, especially those in school, I am afraid that they will hurt my baby, that he will suffer how I suffered, and I still do because of the people around me. I am afraid he will end with suicidal thoughts like mine. And even if I will cherish my child, and I will be the parent I never had, he will still end up miserably. This will be the last thing I want. To see my only loving humain being miserable.

Yes, there are good people, I am not saying that the whole world is horrible, but let’s face it, all the suicidal cases have the main reason: PEOPLE around them (That is why there are so many schizos, so many criminals, rapists, and so forth, because of the peope that made them suffer in the past). They are abused, hated, criticized, not understood. I also see on the forums many people that make me sick. They don’t understand the suffering some are going through, like me, for example, they don’t know the situation I am facing home, and in general, and they JUDGE all the time. They judge the fact that I want more than anything in the world to see my hateful and abusive father dead, in a puddle of blood, beaten as he beated me all his life and made me suffer. They have happy lives, good, loving and supportive parents, and they judge what they don’t experience, the mediocre majority say that you have to respect your parents no matter what. These words give me cancer and make me hate the world even more. The only people that resonate with me are the ones that experience what I and others like me experience. And I hope there are people here that understand.

I want more than anything that before I die, to hear these words from somebody „I love you, and I am proud of you”, and I want to say these words to someone. I want before I die to feel that I LIVED (I am alive, but I can’t afford to live). I say afford because I want to see the world, to leave this miserable situation, to do whatever I want, but I am stuck here, and money is the only thing that can liberate me. And with this bad physical condition, these wishes tend to fade, and bad thoughts come along, saying to me that is not going to happen. Now I think, will I get better? Will I be able to walk normally and run and do sports again like before my degradation? I don’t know, and is even harder not having someone that supports you and to whom you can talk to.

Many people with money and with many people/friends around them feel lonely and have suicidal thoughts, and this is so unfair. I don’t judge anybody, but at least, they have attention, there are people that are literally alone out there (things can be worse). I wish I had money and many people around me, having fake interest on me and fake relationships, but at least, I had attention. I would have appreciated more my life. And I would appreciate the money I had, yes, they can buy happiness, but it depends on how you are as a person and your wishes in life. For me happiness is seeing the world, the beautiful divine places, to meet new people, to do sports, to go to concerts, yes, money would buy me happiness in these cases. I can’t believe how people with money can’t appreciate what they have. As long as you have money, you can be free, and you can do whatever you want, and you can see whatever you want.


And I come to my first question. What am I still doing here? What is the point of all this suffering? Will it end some day? What if it won’t end? I can’t take this suffering anymore. I don’t have the courage to end my life, never did. I was thinking, what if it will be worse? What if hell exists eventually ( I don’t believe in God, but I always question his existence and other religious matters)? What if on the other side will be worse than here and now? What if it will be an eternity of total darkness? What if I survive the suicide attempt and I will be invalid all my life? These scare me and won’t let me kill myself.

Sorry for the long post, as I said I have many questions, problems, and I am tired for seeking answers that won’t come. Maybe someone can illuminate me and can relate to what I am feeling and experiencing. Thank you very much!

Hi, Welcome to the forum!

I moved this here so you can get better responses.


Let me say that is unfair. Its wrong. I get how you feel. No one deserves to be abused. Being blunt your father is an animal, he deserves to be in prison. He under no circumstances can he touch you.


Ive been in position where I feel consumed by depression and no one wants to talk or take me seriously. I have family members make you feel worse after confronting them. Confronting tormenters in particular leaves you feeling worse after all. They will deny everything becoming hostile while putting all the blame on you. This is another forum of abuse all in itself. Truth is its not worth it. Tormenters are people beyond salvageable. The only solution is to escape the situation.

It is possible your mom is only staying with your dad because of financial reasons, but that is just a guess. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you escape and never look back.


Letting go of the past is the hardest. I think the world has some really cruel people. I was bullied in school to the point I wanted to commit suicide. The worst experience I have ever endured that changed me completely. I wish it on no one. While I no longer go to school it still haunts me years latter. I get that.

I think you have been through a lot and in position where you are not being heard. You don't deserve any of that. You have a purpose here and in this world. Things get better. As they say Hope: Hold On Pain Ends. Suicide is not the answer and will never be.


Have you looked into a Therapist? Just to talk to someone. I know that talking to someone about my past helps, it helps me gain understanding and slowly begin to heal old wounds.

Again, I can relate at least from my experiences and it is far from joy. But hold on, things do get better. I think posting here is a start in that there are many others who understand.

I hope this helps at least a bit.