Being depressed and too embarrassed to talk about it.

I don't know if this might help. Something I read over the weekend about a guy with CP and an eating disorder. It might be different enough to be relatable. Without being so close to home that it's too painful. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-32084448

It's OK to ask for help. It takes huge guts. So it isn't "weak" or "failing to cope." Anyone in the same situation that you're in. Would be feeling the same way. There isn't a simple answer that you're missing. This isn't something you have to do by yourself. And given how long it's been going on for. I think that even a small amount of support. Would make a big difference at the moment. And help you get back on top of everything. This isn't your fault. It's OK to talk to your GP again. To ask for a referral for an assessment and focused support.

You aren't making a mountain out of a molehill here. You deserve better.

Could I be borderline? I recently started thinking about how I'm always getting angry at the slightest thing, and tend to "devalue" people when they don't agree with me. It could also be in relation to my harm-OCD, any thoughts? For example, one minute I can really appreciate my mother and everything she has done for me, and the next I can get extremely angry and dissappointed in her. Could this simply be due to the depression or something more serious? I have done more research, and I also seem to fit the bill for some of the symptoms of paranoid personality disorder (I do hope this is simply my depression exacerbating my symptoms), but due to my childhood traumas and growing up with a pathological stepfather and a bipolar father, I'm afraid i am more damaged than I thought when first posting.

Thank you for replaying and sending me the link to that article Ada. It is greatly appreciated.

By "devalue" I don't mean that I verbally abuse them, but I can for example Idolize them one minute, and be completely dissappointed the next. And this changes pretty frequently, and its making me sound more and more insane when I think about it.

Or it simply bipolar disorder, which also seems likely, since my father has Bipolar II, among other things. People say I look like him, but they have no idea how similar we REALLY are, under the hood that is.

-- Tue May 05, 2015 9:52 pm --

I took the Borderline Personality test on psychcentral, and I scored a 40, where a score of 33 and higher means a possible severe Borderline diagnosis.

I think these questions are really hard to answer with the depression in the way. To be overly dramatic in my metaphors. It's like trying to diagnose a broken tibia. While your leg is on fire.

I'd start with the most serious stuff. [That is. What is affecting your standards of living the most.] And then work down the list. I don't know if you're like me. In getting grumpy when you're tired. But personally. Diagnosing myself with an Anger Management Disorder. Would be very unhelpful. Whereas getting myself to bed would be highly useful. From the outside, the symptoms are the same. I don't mean to downplay what you're describing. Just that it's good to keep everything in context. You're a rounded human being. Not a laundry list of issues.

As an aside. It would be well worth mentioning the bipolar. If you're able to talk to a doctor about this. Just because then they can be VERY careful. In working with you to reduce risk of mania.

Thats true, but I guess it is easier when your depressed to look at yourself ""clinically"", and point out whats wrong with yourself, and forgetting that you actually are human and not a list of symptoms that tells you how flawed you are. Whats sad those is I simply don't trust my gp anymore, due to him missdiagnosing a pretty serious occular disease which I have been walking around with for two years before I got in to see a specialist last week, and finally got a right diagnosis. He is simply to arrogant to accept the patients views and opinions as opposed to his own.
And I have tried repeatedly to tell myself that I NEED help, but everytime I think about telling someone about it, I start imaging how my ""life"" will fall apart, and my family will never look at be like and independent person again. Sad, considering how dependent I have become without other people noticing.

Do you have any choice about GPs? Are there any others at the practice you could see? That seems like the best option. Alternatively, it might be possible to use him as a door opener. It's fine to ask for a referral to the local mental health services. You would probably need to explain some of what's going on. In order for him to do that. But it's up to you what you share and what is none of his business. You just need to say enough to get him to pass you on. [Which many GPs tend to be happy to do. They want nice quick appointments. And making you someone else's problem is great in that respect.]

Edgeless wrote:I guess it is easier when your depressed to look at yourself ""clinically"", and point out whats wrong with yourself

I know where you're coming from. The problem that I see. Is that it tends to be a really warped view. No offence intended. Again just my own experience. "Clinically" when I felt bad. I couldn't find any logical reason to stay alive. The things that other people list didn't seem to apply to me at the time. It felt 100% rational and reasonable to consider the alternative.

As it turns out. That thinking was BS. I now reckon that my thyroid was trying to kill me. And as long as I take tyrosine daily. I'm not much bothered by that kind of thought. Nothing in my life itself has changed. Just the way I'm looking at things. With apologies for going on about myself. It's rather horrifying how different my thinking then was. Especially because I am ALL in my brain. The idea that I couldn't trust my thoughts was a very challenging one. And even now I prefer not to think about it too much. But yeah. Don't confuse a lack of emotion [a common issue with depression.] With coldly rational thought. It may be, but it also may not. You may be painting relatively minor issues in the worst colour. Because that's the only paint the depression makes available.

Oh wow. I'm seriously Bad Metaphor Woman today. Must be something I read.

Don't know what happened to the post I submitted a few minutes ago, but I do agree with you that depression can warp the view you have on yourself and the world around you As for choice in GP, I do have the option to see others at the practice. And as for your metaphors, I think they are great, considering my sleeping pills have started taking effect, and I am starting to feel really drowsy and sleepy. I will elaborate on my thoughts on your post in the morning, but here in Norway its past midnight and I have school in the morning. Thank you for replying to my posts, I already feel you have been a big help to me in sorting out my thoughts