Midlife crisis with clinical depression

Sorry for the wall of text that will follow, but this will be the first time I ever submitted a post about my clinical depression to a forum, apart from the depression sub on Reddit.

I'm 41 years old, and quit work 8 years ago to become a recluse in my parent's house. For 6 of those years I was basically catatonic, and immersed myself in flightsimulation and other games, staying up all night and sleeping when the sun rose. With a subconscious death wish, I smoked cigarettes and ate junk food, barely leaving my seat with my eyes glued to the internet and games. But I had grown tired of that, and started to put my "ignorance is bliss" mindset aside and tried to figure out what the ###$ is wrong with me. The goal is to attempt to correct it, and if I can't (which I'm pretty certain is the case), learn to accept it and just try to manage finding some purpose or enjoyment during the second half of my existence. 2014 was my year of "self-discovery", and I have learned so much about myself, so much so that I feel I have a chance to manage the clinical depression that prevents me from working and leaving the house for days at a time, sometimes weeks during some periods in the recent past since I quit working. One of the things I have learned is that I'm partly autistic. It’s the latest thing apparently; even Jerry Seinfeld thinks he is autistic. All jokes aside, the symptoms fit me to a tee. I also couple this condition with what I really think is the root of my awkwardness and a general state of catatonia and lack of ambition, despite being given every advantage in life…….Avoidant Personality Disorder, or AVPD for short.

I don’t believe I was born with the disorder, it’s something that is really caused by the environment one faces in childhood/early adulthood. From what I have learned from people who knew me when I was very young, I was super outgoing, friendly, and charming. But from 4th grade on, I started to change for the worse. For me, it was the perfect storm of variables that I had no control of, specifically: an Indian name that translates to a vulgar term in my town, racism because I’m Indian American, and an odd skeletal abnormality that makes me very weak and skinny. I’m not particularly ugly, but I am not what I would define as attractive. And I went through a very awkward teenage phase in regards to my looks, like having a big hook nose, fat girly lips, angry looking eyebrows, and a very weak jaw/chin. I have a funny, very narrow facial bone structure, and almost no jaw to speak of. I even breath strangely and talk funny occasionally because of it. What makes this so painful for me is that my father is very damn handsome; I would even say he looked like Mitt Romney when he married my mother. My mom was fairly attractive when she was younger, but she has hang-ups about her looks. Makes sense because I feel, and others have said, I resemble my mother a lot. But the real icing on the cake is all three of my younger sisters are considered hot. So much so that there is a very sharp contrast between myself and them in pictures. Classmates used to be in shock when I mentioned they were related to me. No one says it now, but I can see it in their faces that they are astonished that they are related.

Anyhow, I could write a book on what is ailing me, but suffice it to say I am feeling I’m suddenly in the throes of a midlife crisis. The irony is I never had a life to speak of. Life has been the same routine for as long as I can remember: went to school (grades 1-8, high school, college), and subsequently, a “normal” job, but every day I basically just returned to my room and distracted myself with TV or other hobbies/interests. I never dated, because I am weak and unattractive. But even if I found a suitable partner, I would worry that someone else would steal her away from me. Or they would embarrass me by calling me out by my vulgar name, and the weak piece of $#%^ that I am, would just take it. Not conducive to keeping friends or girlfriends. I have thought this way since I first started puberty, and it continues to this day. I cannot handle judgment, criticism, or failure. Why? Because I feel entitled to a better life, better looks, and normal male strength because of my Asian ethnicity and my surgeon father’s accomplishments, not to mention how attractive my sisters are. It sounds mean and selfish, but it would make sense to feel like I do and live my sheltered reclusive life if I was some poor person in my parent’s homeland of India or if they were ugly and uneducated. Yes, I am selfish, and it can be hard to relate to the suffering of others because I have been treated so badly by others, rich AND poor, that I just blanket despise or fear mostly all people. Last year was a time of deep introspection, and after a long absence, I had started to see my psychiatrist and take medication again. And things I never would have imagined doing some years ago while I was buried in my fantasy land of games and junk food, I have somehow now said ###$ it, I’m so bored I’ll just do them just for shits and giggles.

I was at the mall his past week, and a very hot young Israeli girl asked me to let her demonstrate some kind of skin cream on me. Normally, I would politely say I'm not interested and move on. But for some reason, I just suavely walked on over and let her perform her rehearsed pitch on me. I'm not stupid, I knew from the get go she is basically just a snake oil salesgirl, but for the first time in a long time, I felt I should just take a chance and let her flirt with me and try to enjoy it without guilt or feeling like I don't deserve the attention. And it felt very good. Fake it till you make it right? I pretended to be the fit, good looking successful man I always wished I would be, and I tried hard to suppress the slight erection I was getting and avoid brushing her breasts with my hand even though she was moving close on purpose to apply the cream she so eagerly wanted to earn a commission on. I felt normal for once, and also sad that this is a fleeting feeling that I cannot experience like my peers who date or are married. But the point here is, I lived in the moment and didn't sabotage myself by depriving myself of a chance for enjoyment, however brief that moment would be.

I’ve started exercising regularly, lifting weights and going for long walks. I joined Facebook, which is a huge step for me because I am intensely private and don’t need the temptation to compare myself to others in that narcissist’s paradise. I don’t know what happened; maybe it was learning that so many others have felt the same way as I have had forever, that I don’t feel so strange and alone anymore. Maybe it’s the fear of missing out, or because someone I know and trust’s brother created a fake profile that was pure defamation, I felt the need to set the record straight and create a real Facebook profile. The original intention of the profile was just to use as a vanity “placeholder” to correct the tarnished image I felt the loser’s prank may have led former classmates, co-workers, and far away family members to think about me. But a week ago, I dipped my toes in, uploaded my picture, and started friending a few people, and now I am starting to like it. Hell, I even friended my first teenage crush, and she initiated a chat with me this past Monday. It meant the world to me that she did that. She is the only girl I can recall I ever had real feelings for who actually reciprocated that she was interested. She is who I feel was my soulmate, my perfect partner, but she is married now and I never had the guts to ask her to be seen with me when the opportunity presented itself in high school. But I digress....

Also, there are so many cool groups to join, including ones that deal with depression, AVPD, you name it, and you will meet so many like minded people. And because they are real people using their real names (mostly), you feel less alone and faceless, and learn to let go of the usual stereotypes of sufferers of mental illness. Anonymity has a real value on the forums and Reddit subs, but there is something about people showing their real selves on Facebook groups that makes this disease less painful, for me at least.

I also have some glimmers of hope regarding my looks. I feel like jaw surgery, or Orthognathic surgery, is a very viable option. With all my issues regarding my abnormal skeletal structure, this one move could help address some longtime aesthetic and functional issues which have plagued me all my life (fixed spinal lordosis, short clavicle bones that cause shoulder stress and other movement disorders, short finger bones, cupped hand stucture among others), and hopefully with some help from insurance as there is a strong case to be made that it is medically necessary. Mind you, when I first quit work I had the intention of addressing some of my lifelong concerns, like changing my name, working out, and getting some plastic surgery to align my looks more evenly with my family and society's expectations, and I did manage to make good on the last two of those goals. I now lift weights and exercise, despite some serious structural deficiencies imparted by a hitherto unknown skeletal abnormality that limit the aesthetic improvement such exercise is supposed to lead to. And I had gotten a nose job and small chin implant just a few months after I quit work in early 2007, but it was not enough. Not to be Michael Jackson or anything, but I had chickened out and wanted a "subtle" change, and if you are going to go that route, you do it right or not at all. And a proper jaw, not chin, implant or reconstruction is the logical solution for me.

In essence, I think I’m learning to care less about what others think about me and start attempting to live life for myself, without thinking I don’t deserve to feel normal or even happy because of insanely high and unachievable expectations. I’m pretty sure I am never going to beat depression, but the way I see it, I can’t sink any lower. There is nowhere to go other than up. Set your expectations low, and you become numb to what others think and you start taking chances and succeeding where you thought you were bound to fail. Take some pleasure in these little victories, and eventually you learn to manage life, because apparently even the “successful” normal people have their own inner demons that they are adept at hiding from the world. Case in point: Robin Williams.

Peace!

It sounds like you are doing a lot better. I'm sure some people would disagree with me but I don't see the video games being a problem since you are not avoiding responsibilities by doing it.

For some reason I have been feeling better, or not giving a $#%^ anymore, I'm not sure which. I am taking chances, like joining Facebooks, talking up "models" at the mall, fb friending my first crush on facebook, and throwing myself into the shark tank that is the modern dating scene, albeit, I'm focusing on dating sites for shy people first.

It must be that I turned 41 recently, and also from learning of the "better" people out there who have offed themselves, I've lately been thinking, If i have this opportunity to improve myself why not take it. I may not have a life, a job, or girlfriend, but there is something I can't deny I do have: potential. I have a perfect credit score, fairly sizable savings from the previous job, and no debt or expenses since I live with the parents rent free. Also a business degree from a respected college, although with my condition of AVPD I don't see it ever being useful, although I do use the knowledge to help with my "daytrading" at home in the stock market.

I'm actually not really into videogames now, as I had sold my Playstation on ebay a few years ago, and I don't consider flight simming a game as real pilots use it to maintain their proficiency, but I have been burned out on that as well. But the thing is , I never had any responsibilities for decades, as I never moved out on my own, always relying on the safety net provided my parents. The same parents I blame for my condition to be honest, so it's not like I feel guilty for living a stress free life. But I have been aching for the attention of a woman, and most do not look kindly upon someone living at home with the parents without a job at 41 years of age. Unless it's a one night stand, which I'm open to as well. But it's not a long term goal....

Anyhow, thanks for your reply.