I just want somebody to say they can relate

To many I am a perfectly capable socialite; the class clown type, the person that will make people laugh on a daily basis. I regularly impress people with my high academic achievements and sporting accolades. People are constantly commenting on how nice of a person I am.(However I am not a pushover type at all) I have more than enough friends, a good social life and girls tell me that I'm 'hot' and 'cute'. Sounds like a grand life, eh?

On the inside however, I am an absolute wreck. Suicide is reeling itself closer and closer day by day. I've received medicinal treatment, and although I think it has improved my general mood a bit, it has not done much to help the suicidal ideation. It also feels as if I'm turning demented. If I sleep in and miss a college lecture, I will shout and roar at myself in the mirror. I get paranoid; this feeling that I am the joke. That my life is the joke that everyone is laughing at. The person who can't really be taken seriously and is pitied.

I'm 20 years old and I've never had a romantic relationship. Not even close. I've had my fair share of one night flings or whatever, but all they leave me feeling is like the 'drunken mistake'. I get paranoid that I have some trait that just turns girls off, but this doesn't really make sense since I have plenty of female friends. I feel hard done by. I see guys that are ten times more awkward than me or much less physically flattering and yet have women by their sides that I would kill to be with. It's pretty much turned into an obsession inside my own head. Al I can think about it how badly I want a girlfriend. I'm not even naive about it; I know for certain that its not something extraordinary, or something mystical that I'm missing out on. I know that its just different and than many people in relationships aren't even happy. But this doesn't help me take it off my mind.

I guess what I really want to ask is: Anyone else who has never had a relationship, do you feel somehow broken? Almost at if your failing as a human being at the very basic level? Sometimes I genuinely feel like an alien, incapable of being loved. Doomed to be a mere observer of passionate human romance 'till the day I die.

So I'm in a LTR aged 28 when I was your age I was in a relationship from aged 18 - 22. THe guy was amazing, lovely, a good person. I felt totally undeserving, for no apparent reason and I sabotaged the relationship and left him. I hurt him It is something I'll always regret. He even asked me to go back to him, I said no. I knew I had sort out my insides. My insides were telling me I didnt deserve good stuff and good people. It's taken me a while to get there. I'm still not completely there in some respects, but when it comes to relationships, im defo there.
You seem to have a low view of yourself to, you haven't said that, but I sense it.
Obviously the suicide ideation is concerning, but its not uncommon for your age group. I don't think you want to kill your whole self, I think you want to kill that part of yourself that feels bad, the part of yourself that feels stuck being the socialble guy who cant seem to develop intimacy.
Have a long, deep conversation with yourself if you can. Really examine what stops you from getting what you want. I'm sure you know what else you can do, you have the internet you just need a kick up the ass... oh and do more exercise, it will get more happy hormones pumping

Hey, I'm a bit different to you being female and 24, but I can definitely relate to a lot of the points in your post. I have two first-class degrees, a fairly well-paid job and have rented two of my own places since the age of 19. I have a large group of friends and very easily engage with new people. I am friendly, sociable, interested in other people and I appear to others to be confident and outgoing. But like you, on the inside I feel like a complete wreck. I can barely sleep, I cry most days of the week. I achieve really highly on most of what I do and I always show up for work promptly and well presented for the most part (depending on how much sleep i've had and the amount of alcohol left in my system ). I am also extremely lonely. I am not short of attention from boys and I know that there are many opportunities for one night stands or male company. Clearly this isn't enough and it's not what I'm looking for. I've had one long-term relationship during which I felt absolutely incredible, absolutely what I am hoping for now. But since that I have had a few boyfriends that I felt practically no connection with, just for the sake of being in a relationship. I can guarantee you that this is not the way to go. You feel so much more sad and lonely than you do if you actually are by yourself! This is difficult with a depressive disposition, and perhaps even worse when you appear to be fully-functioning and people praise you for the way you are and your personality. If you complain to people about how you feel they often don't realise the severity, because they judge you on your outward facing personality. I think you should remember that the way people see you is still a reflection of your personality, and you should be proud of being funny and popular as well as your academic and sporting achievements, despite the fact that inside you feel differently. I'm absolutely certain that there is nothing inherently wrong with you that turns girls off. It seems that, like me, you are painfully self-aware and possibly a perfectionist so more likely to give yourself highly critical and unfair treatment that you wouldn't direct at, or tolerate from, others.

You sound very wound-up and tense inside, this is how I feel. I convince myself that I am going crazy and sometimes I feel so frustrated that all I can do is cry from how angry and hopeless I feel. I think that nobody will ever truly love me. I put myself forward to boys that I know are wrong for me, and that I'm not even attracted to, just because I know they would like to be seen going with a girl like me. I can see objectively that I am successful and that I will probably be 'fine' later in life, but I feel as though I will be empty, depressed and battling forever. Some days are better than others, though, and when we feel at our worst we can always remind ourselves that we are funny, hardworking, and everything else. Many people would give a lot to have these attributes.

Please do not be worried about your suicidal thoughts and DEFINITELY do not act upon them. I don't think you will be without romance for long. By the sounds of it you are a highly romantic person and surely that is essential for finding romance and looking at people in romantic ways. You just haven't found the right person yet. Many people in our age group aren't looking for this and maybe that's why they're so satisfied (or satisfied being unsatisfied!) in their relationships. I hope this reassures you a little. I definitely understand your feelings and I can relate to all of them. Apologies for my essay