my depression has never been this bad *sigh*

im a teenager i have severe anxiety and my depression is at a peak. today and yesterday were the first days in over 2 years i cried. Ive been crying allot about the fact im gonna die and not amount to anything, my family is gonna die before i possibly accomplish anything. I have never considered suicide to this extent, there is so much i want to say to my family (my drug addict mom for one) (i dont live with her and barely have a relationship with her anymore) god i keep crying at everything i read (a 12 year old saying there considering suicide on here, probably troll but still. i cried at like 10 different things but i cant remember.) just the thought of dying makes me feel somewhat happy, i dont want to die i cant do this i have nothing to live for.
i tried watching funny prankster vids of yt but cried because that fact if they died they would be happy with what they did and people would actually care about them and not pretend like in my case.
i keep listening to the song 'suicidal thoughts by biggie smalls' and damn i can relate to this so much (this is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better)
i just really want a hug right now im feeling so sad (also im a teenage male and im not someone who cries, so this is really hard for me and i dont really feel like going out there crying asking for a hug but i am considering it

^^ that was a copy/paste for like 2 hours ago (i posted it on yahoo answers lol)
I don't feel sad now, i actually feel pretty pissed off. I got extremely pissed because my account wouldn't sign in and i couldn't figure out where to post this. I'm paranoid for some reason (probably because its really late) But my depression is at a lifetime peak, i have never cried from depression or anxiety and it feels like its getting worse. I want to talk to someone but i don't have anyone to talk to. I WANT to go to the Dr nobody will take. i have said 'i'm gonna end up killing myself' they don't fn believe me. I don't know everyday i'm depressing about a different thought. (kids who go through rough $#%^, the fact that i'm not gonna amount to anything, the fact my mom is inevitably going to overdose and she chooses drugs over me and my siblings, not to mention they're probably going to end up like me, my anxiety and depressed thoughts get me depressive religious thoughts [like going to hell, living for eternity, just DISAPPEARING, i'm comfortable with what i believe but the thoughts get the best of me]). I usually say 'oh your thoughts are like this because of your disorders' and it usually helps, but its getting too bad. Basically i just blabbed enough and yes i know i'm a crybaby maybe i can get some advice. thanks

You're welcome here, IHL. I hope you keep posting. And keep on trying to get some help in real life too. Could you get to a doctor for yourself [I don't know if you live in a place where transport or insurance make that difficult. I'm just thinking that some places may treat teens for free. If they aren't legally adult yet.

Is there anyone at college you could trust to talk to? Or are you able to ring a suicide hotline? http://suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html has a listing for the US. And also international http://suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html They might also have some practical ideas about how to get local support.

Talking about this isn't blabbing. And crying isn't being a crybaby. Emotional constipation doesn't help anyone. Expressing your feelings appropriately is a healthy response to things being so intense. That's all OK. Keep posting. Keep going. I guess you've heard that "depression lies"? One of those lies is making suicidal feelings feel rational and logical. When they really and truly aren't. When you can get your head above water. It might be easier to see the way that depression can distort thinking. I might be explaining this terribly. Just trying to put into words what I experienced. With something milder than depression. You're already stronger than you know to keep moving day to day with the anxiety and depression. You've already amounted to something as it stands. And there's more to come. Good, not just bad.

Virtual hugs to you, if wanted. Keep posting.

Hello IHL,

first, big safe hug if wanted -- I'm a world class hugger.

When I originally got depressed it took me a year to seek for help. I kept on thinking I'm making this all up, I'm a crybaby, I'm worthless, I'll die... eventually decided to end it all and then finally the thought came through the mud that my mind was: I could give doctors a chance first. There's always time for suicide, so I may as well try to see what they have on offer.

I was started on an antidepressant that had a lot of side effects and after a few weeks we switched to another one... and it helped. Suicidal thoughts disappeared. My energy returned. I remembered how to laugh again -- previously I just seemed not to remember how to do it at all, at best I would say "ha ha" in a flat voice. Then therapy was added when I was stable on the meds. And it all helped, and it saved my life. It's 11 years later now. I'm still around and very happy that I am. And a funny (maybe) thing is, one of the reasons that I am so happy to be alive is that my favourite band, Pet Shop Boys, released an amazing album after a decade of treading water. If I weren't alive, I wouldn't get to hear it.

Ada gave you some really good advice. Talk to us here. We won't judge you; everybody here has been through what you are experiencing at some point. Some still are. And don't forget you are a strong person; it takes some serious muscle to get through life with anxiety and depression. But you've done enough lifting on your own. Let medical professionals help you further. As Ada said I can't give you detailed advice what to do but you could start with your GP or perhaps there's someone at the college that could help.

Don't give up. We're rooting for you.

One more bear hug for you.

Sending huge hugs to you. It sounds like you are struggling quite a bit. But I am glad you've come here to talk - that is a good option.

That is sad about your mom. I cannot imagine having to live with something like that. I would like to challenge you and say that you can change how things turn out for you and your siblings can change how things turn out for them. Even your mom could change things for herself. If you don't give up and keep fighting then things can change for you. And the fact that you want a doctor is promising, though I am sorry that no one will take you. Is public transportation an option? Or asking a friend/relative for a ride? Maybe looking for one within walking distance?

In the mean time, perhaps it might be a good idea to brainstorm how you can help yourself in a time of need. Posting here, calling a friend, taking a bath, cuddling with something soft (a pet, blanket, or stuffed animal), etc. so that you can calm down some. Having a plan like that is immeasurable.

It's okay to cry and want hugs - in fact, it is perfectly natural. Hope that you feel better soon and keep us posted on how you're doing.

According to Marshall Rosenberg, depression is the reward for being good.

Sounds like you're very focused on amounting to something or accomplishing something. I might start by having a look at that.

I wonder in who's eyes this amount is judged? I wonder if you are not amounting to anything because of some beliefs that are preventing you from acting, (particularly how you'd look to others)? For example, you believe your mother expects you not to be bossy, but if you want to be a successful entrepreneur you'll need to be very assertive.

Conversely, I wonder, what if you gave yourself permission not to amount to anything? For example, you believe your mother expects you to be a doctor, but you actually want to be a house-wife.

And so on, that's the bit I'd start with. What is the relationship between this amounting to something and your perceived expectations of others in your life. How do your beliefs about what others expect of you influence what you tell yourself you need to amount to, or restrict you from following paths that would amount to something?