Dyspraxia and depression

I'm not sure this is the right forum but there isn't one that seems to apply to people with dyspraxia, or maybe I just didn't see it sorry..

I had a fairly normal childhood up until about 12 when it became apparent I had difficulties with certain subjects or tasks at school, I had various tests done as my parents were very supportive and wanted me to get on, but because my dyspraxia is quite mild (can catch, ride bike, tie shoes etc) I was not diagnosed until I was 16, right after failing badly at school.

I went on to college but again pretty much failed although came out with a few low grade qualifications, I then went to work at 19 in the IT business, I was reasonably good at this so was fairly successful, largely because I was very hard working, I left after 3 years to go to university hoping that if I studied a computer related subject and had help with my difficulties I might succeed, again I failed so I went back to work in the same industry again and have done for the last 7-8 years now, I get along by working very hard, but really don't like the job any more, just don't see what else I'm capable of.

I am not sure when my depression started, I have a feeling it was there even at school, I just masked it to all inc myself but it was certainly there by my mid twenties, I am now 34 and in the last 5 or so years it has been getting progressively worse which is where I am now.

I've never had a GF, how pathetic is that?, at school a few times a girl asked me out and I was to scared/stupid/embarrased to say yes, infact one of them use to hang around with my sister a lot and it only became obvious a few years later she was probably just wanted me to make a move but once again I was too scared, I really liked her, I've seen her a few times out in town etc, she now has a husband and kids, that could have been me if I was such a f**k up and loser.

I've never made friends easily and have considered that I may have Asperger's but I feel like I'm too in touch with my own and other people's emotions for this to be the case but I may be wrong.

As the months go by I just feel like I'm stuck - I don't have the ability to do my job with the extra responsibilities I am now being given so the added stress isn't helping.

I don't have any friends or a partner, I just feel like I'm in a dark hole and the light is slowly fading more and more. I am starting to feel genuinley suicidal now but I have quite a lot of family still around including both parents and all I read on the net is guilt stories of how if affects those who are left, so I'm stuck in this horrible limbo of living just to not upset people. I'm not even sure if this will help but I've not said this to anyone else, out of shame/embarrasement so just need to get it out of my f**king head.

I've started to drink quite a lot recently as well (self-medicating?) so I don't have to think about how pathetic I am.

Well I think the first thing you need to do is stop hating yourself. It doesn't matter if you have never been in a relationship, or that you have dyspraxia, or that you failed in school, you are a human being deserving of happiness and respect.

It is really easy to lose track of what is important about us in life. Our perspective narrows and we end up in a rut. You need to widen your perspective about what life is, and you need to question what YOU want your life to be about, rather than what society thinks it should be about.

So what if you haven't been in a relationship? If you want one it is never too late to try.

Do you think that you are a loser, or do you just think that other people feel that way about you?

Definitely get into therapy man, and don't get too deep into the booze. Sometimes booze can be medicine in small quantities, but it is a downward spiral if you abuse it.

Thanks for the reply, without doubt the one thing I would wish for is to go back to when I was 11 or 12 and start again without dyspraxia, of course this can never happen so I have to accept it and move on somehow, no idea how though.

I spent some of today looking through old school friends on facebook, most have kids now and have moved on with their lives, I still feel like I stopped living in my mid-teens and have been existing in some sort of suspended state since then (apart from ageing).

I literally hate everything about myself and have to try 3 times harder to acheive what a normal person would find easy, this is so draining of energy both physically and mentally.

I do wonder how much longer I can carry on without doing something stupid or having some sort of complete mental breakdown, hopefully I'll pluck up the courage to get therapy or something but feel its gone on so long now that its too late for anything much to help.

basil890 wrote:Thanks for the reply, without doubt the one thing I would wish for is to go back to when I was 11 or 12 and start again without dyspraxia, of course this can never happen so I have to accept it and move on somehow, no idea how though.

I spent some of today looking through old school friends on facebook, most have kids now and have moved on with their lives, I still feel like I stopped living in my mid-teens and have been existing in some sort of suspended state since then (apart from ageing).

I literally hate everything about myself and have to try 3 times harder to acheive what a normal person would find easy, this is so draining of energy both physically and mentally.

I do wonder how much longer I can carry on without doing something stupid or having some sort of complete mental breakdown, hopefully I'll pluck up the courage to get therapy or something but feel its gone on so long now that its too late for anything much to help.

Assuming you live to be as old as the average male life expectancy, you have 44 years left of your life, so you still have another few years to go before you have even made it half way through. So is it too late to do anything about it? Obviously not dude.

Maybe your problem is that you are on facebook looking at friends. People have a tendency to think everybody else is happier than they are. Probably half those people who are married are trapped in a #######5 marriage with kids and will spend the rest of their lives in misery. My first real relationship started when I was 21, and ended after 2 years. To be honest dude, I don't have any plans to date anybody ever again. Worrying about somebody else and having somebody there to bug you all the time is awful.

I am not trying to convince you not to find a relationship, because I think you should. But don't feel like your life will magically improve when you do. Life is pretty much consistent, the only way to actually be happy is to shift your frame of reference. Being happy is also not really a good goal to have in life anyways, happiness is a chemical reaction, is that really something to aspire to?

Go get therapy man.