I'm not sure this is the right forum but there isn't one that seems to apply to people with dyspraxia, or maybe I just didn't see it sorry..
I had a fairly normal childhood up until about 12 when it became apparent I had difficulties with certain subjects or tasks at school, I had various tests done as my parents were very supportive and wanted me to get on, but because my dyspraxia is quite mild (can catch, ride bike, tie shoes etc) I was not diagnosed until I was 16, right after failing badly at school.
I went on to college but again pretty much failed although came out with a few low grade qualifications, I then went to work at 19 in the IT business, I was reasonably good at this so was fairly successful, largely because I was very hard working, I left after 3 years to go to university hoping that if I studied a computer related subject and had help with my difficulties I might succeed, again I failed so I went back to work in the same industry again and have done for the last 7-8 years now, I get along by working very hard, but really don't like the job any more, just don't see what else I'm capable of.
I am not sure when my depression started, I have a feeling it was there even at school, I just masked it to all inc myself but it was certainly there by my mid twenties, I am now 34 and in the last 5 or so years it has been getting progressively worse which is where I am now.
I've never had a GF, how pathetic is that?, at school a few times a girl asked me out and I was to scared/stupid/embarrased to say yes, infact one of them use to hang around with my sister a lot and it only became obvious a few years later she was probably just wanted me to make a move but once again I was too scared, I really liked her, I've seen her a few times out in town etc, she now has a husband and kids, that could have been me if I was such a f**k up and loser.
I've never made friends easily and have considered that I may have Asperger's but I feel like I'm too in touch with my own and other people's emotions for this to be the case but I may be wrong.
As the months go by I just feel like I'm stuck - I don't have the ability to do my job with the extra responsibilities I am now being given so the added stress isn't helping.
I don't have any friends or a partner, I just feel like I'm in a dark hole and the light is slowly fading more and more. I am starting to feel genuinley suicidal now but I have quite a lot of family still around including both parents and all I read on the net is guilt stories of how if affects those who are left, so I'm stuck in this horrible limbo of living just to not upset people. I'm not even sure if this will help but I've not said this to anyone else, out of shame/embarrasement so just need to get it out of my f**king head.
I've started to drink quite a lot recently as well (self-medicating?) so I don't have to think about how pathetic I am.