Feelings of hopelessness/emptiness

I’m pretty bad at describing how I feel but I’m gonna try here.

A little bit of background– Through my teens and into early adulthood I was a very excitable/passionate person… the kind of guy who could talk your ear off about a subject and always coming up with new creative ideas and plans. I ran a popular website, was an award winning photographer, and had a lot of friends. I was also a very sexual person, constantly chasing and hooking up with girls. I felt so strongly about my dreams, my political beliefs, that I was going to amount to something in life. At 18, I left home and moved 500 miles away, confident that I was going to “make it”… and for a few years I had nothing but success.

When I was 21, my dad died from cancer. He was a best friend in early adulthood, we would talk almost every day and he was a guide as to how to be a man since I was on my own. It was such a shock since it was only 8 months from when he was diagnosed to when he died, so I never really got the chance to process his illness before he was gone.

I immediately started to notice that things that I wasn’t enjoying life as much, but it wasn’t a huge change at first, things just weren’t quite as exciting… I figured this was normal and would pass. It didn’t.

As a few years went by, it got worse – I developed an “empty” feeling inside, started smoking weed every day, and then all day, every day. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything other than feeling bad, even my libido was decreasing rapidly. It got to the point where I wasn’t even interested in sex or dating. I found myself becoming more and more withdrawn from life, not spending as much time with friends, and the ideas and projects that used to come so easily had vanished from my mind.

If that wasn’t enough, when I was 25 my mom died. She and I were not as close but I still loved her and her death was a complete surprise – she had accidentally taken the wrong medication one night and it was too much for her. I felt that I had treated her terribly when I was an angsty teenager and now I could never repair that. I rushed her off the phone the last time she had called me and while my last words to her were “I love you too”, that provided little comfort.

After she was gone, I started having a lot of trouble sleeping, even if I smoked weed (indica, no less, which is a body relaxer) or took OTC meds for it. My hair has started thinning out and has become significantly gray in just a few years, I stopped cooking for myself and started eating nothing but take out, and any sort of confidence I had as a man is gone, to the point where I’m an awkward mess around women who I used to be able to woo with a smile and pleasant conversation. When I did get somewhere with women, I discovered my libido was so low I sometimes have trouble “keeping up” in bed, which is immensely embarrassing and damaging to my self esteem as a man.

Now I’m just about to turn 27, and from a practical perspective life has turned around for me – I came into a large cash windfall (I’ve been broke my entire life) and I’m about to do everything I wanted to accomplish in life – travel, finish school, I’m even going to buy my dream car (I’ve been a car guy my whole life). I’ve spent the last two years working for a non profit that supports music education, something I believe in.

But I feel nothing. None of this excites me in the least. The logical part of my brain is satisfied because I’m getting to where I felt I should be at my age, but I feel no emotional pleasure or accomplishment at all for this. In fact, it seems like the only strong emotions I feel at all are negative ones, anxiety, anger and jealousy, despite the fact that I’ve NEVER been that sort of person.

From everything I’ve read online, I’m depressed. But I don’t know how to fix it. I have no idea how to pick a therapist if that’s even what I need. I have no idea how to reach inside and grab ahold of the person I used to be – and that’s the most frustrating part, knowing that I’m capable of so much but being paralyzed from doing so. I’m scared if I start taking medication for this I’ll never be able to STOP taking them, and the idea of being dependent on anti depressants from 27 on is just overwhelming.

I need help, what should I do? I feel like can’t take this much longer, it’s made me lose friends, alienate people who love me, and neglect myself so much. I’m about to embark on a 3 month trip to Europe and North Africa, something I’ve wanted to do for almost 20 years, but I’m afraid these feelings of emptiness will make accomplishing that dream just as hollow.

Hi -

I don't have much time to speak at length, so I'll address the first points that are on my mind.

- Therapy. You can research (online) therapists in your area who specialize in depression. I would start there. But remember, although you should trust your therapist, sometimes the relationship doesn't gel and you have to move on. They work for you.

- Medication. There are different thoughts regarding anti-depression and addiction. I have been on them on and off, for thirty one years. I have never had a problem with addiction. I use them when I need them. When i was young I was not smart enough to see the signs when I did need them, but that was my fault.

What I am getting at is, you have to be proactive in your recovery. That sucks with depression, because it's very definition is to drain the life of any desire for proactivity. You're luckier than I was. You remember a time when you had the strength to make change in your life. I got hit at an early age and didn't have much support (except for my mom - and she didn't live with us).

A small dose of anti-depressants might do you a world of good. Do some research and talk to a doctor. There are MANY kinds on the market. If one doesn't work, another might.

And here is another upside. They may give you enough pickup to start to rebuild your life, and when you are strong enough, you can come off. That is what it has been like for me, these last 10 years. I have been off for a while and when I get weighted down, I go back on. But I am Bipolar, so it entails a bit more complex symptoms in general.

You're young. Don't try to do it over night. Make a plan, and work step by step. You know the good you that you can be, so it's there - you just have to give it the proper attention.

One last thing. Part of my change came when I looked beyond what made like a success on the outside and came to terms with the joy of my life, simply by getting in tune with the fact that I was born at all. It may sound hokey, but it did wonders to help clear up what was meaningful and what wasn't.

good luck to you,

Otter.

When I got depressed for the first time in 2004, the guideline used to be that anti-depressants need to be used for at least 6 months. I used mine for 14 months, then tapered off. Unipolar depression does not need to be medicated forever, unless it comes back when medication is stopped.

Other than that, I think Otter said it all.

Big hugs and good luck.