Losing it(Long) *Possible Trigger*

Hey guys, long time lurker, occasional poster here.


To start I'm 22 and live at home, I have moderate-severe social anxiety, and crippling depression. Ive been anxious all my life, as far back as i can remember. And depression didn't really kick in until about 7th grade when i had my first thought of suicide. I don't know what triggered it but I'm assuming it stem'd from just being anxious all the time and ultimately feeling alienated from my peers.

This is where it all go's downhill, between the ages of 12-15(no later) i engaged in what some would call light sexual "experimentation" with a my sister who is 2 1/2 years my junior. I will not discuss further detail due to the nature of this forum but I believe this is a major factor in my development, and if anyone would like to talk to me through PM about it i am willing. when it finally hit me that what i was doing was wrong, I immediately talked to my parents about it, and then went to my therapist about it as well. I did not get the feedback i was expecting, my parents and psyche were completely understanding and encouraged me to move on and not feel so bad. Even my sister is ok and try's to keep me in her life. I did not internalize this and instead have let this affect me until this very day. Its definitely a major component in my depression.

This is when i started to self medicate, I was a heavy pot smoker all through out high school, excessively drank alcohol, and started smoking cigarettes which definitely acted like a security blanket at times, I'm quite introverted and have a lot of time to myself and would chain smoke while ruminating all my bad thoughts. I recently just quit after 7 years. Also after my "confession" i had gone to the ER the anxiety and guilt was so bad, they gave me Ativan and that was that.

Fast forward till now and nothing has changed, I've recently just stopped smoking marijuana as much as i used to, same with alcohol, and honestly i think its because I'm just so depressed I lack the motivation to even get high. I work, i have friends and social group. I just feel so guilty and depressed all the time. I think about suicide far too often, i feel so alienated from my peers but they don't suspect a thing, in fact i notice quit a few of the guys start competition with me, i know what people think about me, people see me as confident, and not to toot my own horn but I'm good looking, smarter than most of the people i surround myself with and more capable, I'm well rounded. I don't give my self enough credit and its because i hold onto things i have done in the past when everyone else has moved on. I have no interest in advancing my life, i got my GED even though i was capable of graduating, and i have not gone to college, to me I'm just not worth the life i was given.

I don't know what to do, Ive never had a serious girlfriend, Im still a virgin and no one believes me, like i said I'm good looking and smart and I've had more than enough girls come on to me but i always reject due to my anxieties about sex after my episode in my teens. In fact to give you an idea of how bad i feel about my self when it comes to woman, i don't have to do much to attract woman at all(which astounds me), i have a couple of girls that i have known since high school that all have a thing for me and would be willing to take it further if i only reciprocated the effort, but i always reject because as soon as i feel any tension i am reminded about what happened with my sister and am bombarded with guilt and shame and deem myself unworthy of anyone. its a weird self sabotaging cycle.


i put a lot of emphasis on having a girlfriend because i am so lonely, i want somebody in my life, but I'm so afraid of what they would think of me if only they knew what i did when i was younger.

like i said, I'm at my wits end here, i think about suicide a lot now because i don't see myself coming back from this, I'm so far removed and have been thinking so negatively for so long i feel like i just am who i am now.

-- Sun Jan 04, 2015 4:20 am --

If anyone is willing to talk through PM it would be appreciated, I don't have anyone to talk to in real life that would understand.

Hi strix. I see nobody has replied to this post.

I too have been a lurker at this site for a couple of months before I finally decided to join. I'm a lot newer than you are, though.

I am glad that your parents and psyche understood you. I think they are right because a lot of adolescents engage in sexual experimentation at that age. While most do it by watching porn (I confess that I've looked at porn more than a few times, and it's something I'm ashamed of doing and I hope to stop), many people practice sexual experimentation on siblings as adolescents due to their sexual curiosity. It's all about curiosity at that age, and eventually you realised it is wrong. This is called trauma, and every person on the planet goes through it at some point in their life. For you, your trauma was caused by much guilt and shame to the point that it has severely affected you as a person. To deal with the guilt and shame, know this: what you did wasn't so terrible and every teenager goes through their sexual problems, and most come out the other side.

As for you smoking and drinking alcohol, many teenagers do that too. Some people are peer-pressured into doing it while others simply think it's the "cool" thing to do, among other reasons like depression and anxiety. I'm not going to beat you over the head about how bad smoking and drinking too much alcohol is because almost everybody knows. Many people suffer from an addiction to something they know is bad, but find almost impossible to stop.

The fact that you see yourself as good-looking, smart and capable means you haven't lost all hope, which is good. Depression can suck at the soul and leave sufferers with no hope left and unable to see anything positive in themselves or the world-which isn't their fault-but you're still fighting it. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. When my parents saw I was depressed, they arranged for somebody to occasionally come round and see me, which has helped me. Do you have any friends at all, male or female?

"Suicide is not the answer" is a cliche by this point in time. So too is the idea that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but these cliches still ring true. It would be wonderful if one could just snap their fingers and all the pain and suffering would depart, but that just isn't how life works.

I've probably just rambled here and nothing I said has been helpful, but I wish you the best. I'm here to talk to if you need an ear.

Hang in there buddy. Believe it you did nothing that more then you think and possible even know have done what you did including myself. I'll PM

-- Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:04 pm --

Hang in there buddy. Believe it you did nothing that more then you think and possible even know have done what you did including myself. I'll PM

-- Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:05 pm --

Hang in there buddy. Believe it you did nothing that more then you think and possible even know have done what you did including myself. I'll PM