Severely depressed due to existential thoughts

I don't know how to explain how I am currently feeling. I suffer from OCD and depression but I have never felt quite so bad in my life. I feel as if I am surrounded by blackness. I've just turned 21 and all I want to do is sleep. For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with the apparent meaninglessness of life. I am an atheist so I do not believe in any kind of god or creator. I just can't see any point in going on if I'm going to die one day, what's the point? I'm just prolonging the inevitable. We are merely born to die. I look around me and all I see is other people who will one day die. My sister has just had a daughter (6 months ago) and I look at her and think "one day you will be dead".

What's the point in trying to achieve when it will all be forgotten when will die. Some people say "but your legacy lives on" but they are just delusional. The sun will one day engulf the planet and everything will be lost. Humans are just delusional. What is the point in me trying to get better when I will one day die? Why live just to live?

I came across a guy called Peter Wessel Zapffe who said that human's cannot deal with the fact that life is meaningless so we transfer the angst into other forms (isolation, anchoring, distraction and sublimation). So everything we do is about deluding ourselves into believing we are immortal. The same goes for Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death. It seems logical to me that these theories are true. We're living in a meaningless universe deluding ourselves into believing we have a purpose.

Why would it matter if I killed myself? It would hurt my family of course but one day they'll be dead and all of their pain will mean nothing. I just don't see anyway out of this hell. Life is hell.

Sure being an atheist is a good thing for you to be? That's not meant to be sarcastic, baiting, or trite. You have done a good job at describing exactly what I would be feeling were it not for religion. I'll go one farther and cite the potential for me to feel depression over the alleged Heat Death of the universe. I get so depressed about my ever shorter life here. And that it's all so temporary. The only things that often sustain me are theology and my responsibilities to family and friends. Not trying to proselytize here but having some kind of belief in a higher power, plane, what have you can have a very practical side for us glass half empty people.

Be that as it may, remember that the pain your self demise would cause, however temporarily you may think it, is not insignificant to those who cares about you. I often think about such things but I have a responsibility to not cause that kind of pain. I am a nobody, miserable worthless crap. To myself. Others would think otherwise and i can imagine doing nothing so hateful to them as offing myself. Also I would be failing in my duty as a provider. Though I have belief in God and an afterlife I also remind myself that if I didn't like being dead before I absolutely have to be I can't get a refund. Depression may end. Dead is permanent. As an atheist you are especially bound to this life so make it count. If I were in your shoes I would seek out an atheist group for support. Surely you're not the only person to carry your logic (mine too if my beliefs did not forbid it) to such an extreme and somebody out there has got to have found a way to put such gloomy thoughts in their place. If nothing else, enjoy your existence despite the seemingly meaninglessness of it all and engage in the wonder of random events having resulted in a planet teeming with life, against all odds. Surely that's worth something.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

Also remember Life is fragile,yet tenacious. ELE asteroid? Mammals got that covered. Sun expansion? We got time. If nothing else surely we will have exported bio or AI by then. Heat Death of an ever expanding universe? Life will find a way to tackle it. Life is bloody minded. It don't give up easy. Please take heart.

It's really hard to wrap the mind around the idea that what matters is this right now. Think of something like dance, gymnastics, or figure skating: it's the perfection of the lived moment. This video inspires me about this notion,

Living with excellence everyday... http://youtu.be/2GzRUjDDJYg

Yeah I can relate to a lot of that, only I'm a Christian. Sometimes I wonder if I kind of gave myself bipolar disorder from just all the insanity that's come from thinking about these subjects. Lately I've been just questioning everything, and wondering if anything is true. My doctor thinks I might struggle with psychotic depression. I just don't know what's true and what's not anymore. But you're right, life is very confusing, and it's sometimes hard to find any meaning or any reason to live. Have you read Schopenhauer's essay on suicide? It's one of the best ones I've read on the subject (just so people know, he doesn't condone it).

-- Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:16 am --

One thing I'd like to say is, whether or not you're right, I kind of got to the point where I had to get treatment just to function, and I knew I couldn't kill myself because it would destroy my family. You kind of reach a point where you need to decide what direction you want your life to go. And I'm about the same age as you, and I'm guessing you struggle with a lot of thoughts about the future and what you're supposed to do. I know I do.

"What's the point in trying to achieve when it will all be forgotten when [I] die."

Your conclusion that there is no meaning... is your depression talking. Depression lies. You are more than your mood and your thoughts.

Existential thoughts often arise from depression, which comes first.

The end is not the point of this life. The point is right now, this present moment. And the point is to feel some sense of desire, connectedness, joy, passion, humor... If you feel none of those things right now, then you are in the deep pit of despair and disconnectedness that is major depression.

In my deepest depressive moments, I either felt intense emotional pain and sadness that I just wanted to end (because what's the point of living with such terrible pain)--or I felt apathetic, like I could just sit and stare at a wall all day and not bother to do anything really, except maybe go to the bathroom. I had no sense of desire, nothing that made me want to get up, no interest in hobbies, and I didn't think anyone in the world really cared if I did get up. At those times, all I could cling to was the small hope that this form of existence was just one of many possible experiences to be had and that I ultimately was MORE than the experience. And that this miserable experience would be finite. It would end and another would begin that would be worth living for. My biggest question changed from what's the point if it's all going to end in nothingness to... how do I lessen the pain, how do I increase the desire, how do I re-establish any sense of connectedness with those around me to bring meaning in this present moment?

I recommend the book "The Power of Now," written by a man who cracked out of his miserable depression... and has continued his existential thinking, though he is in a new realm of existence/awareness. It comes in an audio format as well, which may be easier to tolerate if you are in a low energy place.

Also, SSRI meds can be mighty helpful

confusedboy18 wrote:I don't know how to explain how I am currently feeling. I suffer from OCD and depression but I have never felt quite so bad in my life. I feel as if I am surrounded by blackness. I've just turned 21 and all I want to do is sleep. For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with the apparent meaninglessness of life. I am an atheist so I do not believe in any kind of god or creator. I just can't see any point in going on if I'm going to die one day, what's the point? I'm just prolonging the inevitable. We are merely born to die. I look around me and all I see is other people who will one day die. My sister has just had a daughter (6 months ago) and I look at her and think "one day you will be dead".

What's the point in trying to achieve when it will all be forgotten when will die. Some people say "but your legacy lives on" but they are just delusional. The sun will one day engulf the planet and everything will be lost. Humans are just delusional. What is the point in me trying to get better when I will one day die? Why live just to live?

I came across a guy called Peter Wessel Zapffe who said that human's cannot deal with the fact that life is meaningless so we transfer the angst into other forms (isolation, anchoring, distraction and sublimation). So everything we do is about deluding ourselves into believing we are immortal. The same goes for Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death. It seems logical to me that these theories are true. We're living in a meaningless universe deluding ourselves into believing we have a purpose.

Why would it matter if I killed myself? It would hurt my family of course but one day they'll be dead and all of their pain will mean nothing. I just don't see anyway out of this hell. Life is hell.

Hey man, here are my thoughts.

I'm not going to lie to you, but there is no inherent meaning to life. Why? Because there's no purpose behind nature.

But that doesn't mean that we can't assign meaning to our own lives, and find something meaningful to do.

The problem is, is that the society and culture we live in is so full of meaningless, mindless, things. There are millions upon millions of people working meaningless jobs, leading meaningless lives, buying meaningless things, saying and teaching meaningless things. It's very easy to think that life is meaningless when all of this is piled on you day by day.

But the good new is, is that it doesn't have to be that way.

How can you find a meaning in such a seemingly meaningless culture? By doing things that benefit other people, and making a contribution to human welfare. There are many ways to do this. Counseling, for example, is something to adds to human welfare.

The people who have helped humanity expand its knowledge of the universe, the world, and itself have been the people who have found meaning in life.

You can do things that will give you a sense of meaning in life, and at only 21 you still have a whole life ahead of you to learn and do something to this effect.