i dont want to

i dont want to be suicidal all my life. for nearly ten years ive fought the urge to kill myself, almost daily. waiting for the train to work, i stand so close to the edge, thinking maybe i'll work up the courage by the time the train comes. i never do. when i was a teenager i was so suicidal i ended up in the hospital three times before they admitted me to long term inpatient care. since then i just keep it to myself. i just fight it.

its christmas and im sitting alone in my apartment thinking how poetic it would be to kill myself today.

robin williams hanged himself and for weeks after that, i came home and tightened a belt across my neck.

my friend was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and everyone bought her gifts and told her how much they loved her and i hate her for it. i hate that she has cancer and i dont. i hate how no one sees my disease as terrible and tragic. i cant afford a doctor. sometimes i have a fantasy where i fail a suicide and all my friends come to visit me with gifts, love and the time theyve all forgotten to give me and i just look them dead in the eye and tell them all to get the ###$ out of my sight.

i want help but i cant afford a therapist, i can hardly afford food, and im too scared to take medication again. weh.

What happened with the meds?

[This probably isn't the right topic for it. But I love your username!]

i took them since i was a teen and i stopped taking them cause i couldnt afford it. the drop off from not having them anymore was very challenging to deal with and i dont want that to happen again. ive reached a mildly stable state of mind, at least enough to keep my head above water. i also, now that ive lived without them for a few year, fear how different id be.

(and its cool, thank you!!)