Not feeling too good

For 3 years I have only left my house during holidays. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter to go to my grandparents, 2 different places, my moms side, then my dads, they are divorced. I am alone, in an apartment, they pick me up for these occasions.

The first year of isolation was the hardest, over time, I learned to let go of any hope of a better life. To simply exist in the condition I am in. Which, is not too good of a condition. When you let go of hope or of any sort of future it gets easier though. I stopped showering except maybe once a month or 3 months. I shower before any Holiday though, the day of. It doesn't matter because I don't go anywhere. I don't see anyone.

My mom brings me groceries, she used my food stamps, and I give her my whole check to pay rent and things. I mostly am asleep or just won't answer the door when she comes, I let her leave it there. I wouldn't say I have agoraphobia but I don't want the hassle of dealing with people. I know the only reason she gets my food is because she makes a small amount of money for doing so, my check covers everything and there is some left over.

She kicked me out at 18, and i've been on my own since, it was only 3 years ago though that I stopped going outside. I am 23 now, honestly I thought I was 22 until my grandma told me my age. It doesn't matter though, I mean age doesn't mean anything.

My problem is, I am done. I don't want to live like this anymore. This past thanksgiving I asked my mom if I could move back in, so I could get my life sorted out. She said she thinks so. So I got hope. For the first time in years I had hope. Big F'n mistake. a week later I asked what she thought about it again, she said it is still and option. This past weekend I said let's do this then, when can I move back. That is when the excuses started coming in. "I want to sell the house" (She has been saying that for years. and it has nothing to do with me moving back in) I told her that that doesn't make sense, she said "I need to be moving things out not in" I said either way, if you sell the house or don't at some point i'll have to move in, and if you sell the house then I will move when you do. So she switched her excuse to "Your sister is going to college soon" I said what does that have to do with anything, then she switched her excuse again to "Your brother still remembers how you were as a kid" (She is basically reaching for any excuse possible and I realize it) I told her I get it...Meaning, I understand that SHE didn't want me moving back and was grasping for any excuse that wouldn't put blame on her.

I wish she would have just been up front with me when I asked the first time. Why go through the charade and give me false hope? I considered calling 911 and claiming to be a neighbor of mine, hearing threats and gunshots from my apartment, then just running at them with a knife to commit suicide by cop multiple times that night. I didn't though. I cried all night pretty much, then just tried to forget it and again live in a hopeless world of nothing. I can't though. I don't want to live like this forever, alone, no one to talk to, no one to say goodnight to. I have NO friends. Have never been in a relationship, and well, I guess I failed at life.

It doesn't bother me that I failed, it is the consequences of my failure that I can not endure for a lifetime. I understand that if I keep living, I will do so alone. I can't do that. I also think I am too much of a pussy to kill myself. I find myself growing angry when during the holidays people talk of their trivial problems like "This person at work did ......" or "I had to fire a guy because..." You ######6 assholes. You mother ######6 @@@@@@@. You think life is hard, ###$ you. You know nothing about hard. To top it all off, I hear my dad talk about his stepson constantly. things likes "Now (Stepsons name here) is my son" What about me? You mother #####&. You mother ######6 ###$. It isn't my fault that I had no support system while that #####& is allowed to live with you guys and is older than me. Then he talks about moving to a different state. It's like not only have you left me emotionally, but now physically too!?

The worst part is, I wouldn't nor will I ever tell them what utter $#%^ parents they were and are, because I would come off as a whiny bitch who blames everything on his parents. So I hold it in, and listen to how their life is so ######6 hard. I can only imagine that if I don't kill myself, I will snap. They will hear all I have to say before I plunge a fork in their god damn eye.

I can't take it. I don't want to live anymore. I can't. I am doomed to be forever alone, in my apartment. Sometimes I wish I would lose my mind like others in isolation, that maybe I would create this fake life in my mind, a fake life where I can be happy. Maybe a fake wife and fake kids.

The only way I can imagine a happy future for myself is in some sort of delusion.

I don't know why I wrote all this, maybe a cry for help, maybe a last resort. Seems pointless to me. I am pathetic.

Hello,

your post worried me. I am sorry you are in such situation.

You do not mention anything like medication or therapy. Have you been professionally assessed and treated? Suicide, by cop or any other way, is a very permanent solution. Hopefully there are ways to treat your problem, whether it's depression or something else (bipolar? guessing from the nickname) that haven't been tried yet. Medication can go a long way; then there's ECT; then there are all forms of therapy. Perhaps if your mother doesn't want you to move back in she'd be willing to provide transport for you to see a doctor.

Big hugs, and I hope your situation gets better.

Hello,

First off, I must say, that whatever you do, don't give up. You can never know for sure what the future might hold. If you continue to persist staying entrenched within current mindset of pessimism and hopelessness, it is likely that nothing will change for you. Depression brings about a sinister inertia towards one's pysche. An object at rest, tends to stay at rest, and once it slows you down to a standstill, it can be nearly impossible to see yourself ever moving forwards again.. but it is possible.

It might take a lot of work to gain the momentum necessary to abandon this barren, bleak swamp that you have persisted in for so long, but all journeys start with simply taking a step forward. Exercising proper hygiene alone can aid you in feeling better, showers and such. As Oliveira mentioned, if you have not sought any professional help towards your situation, then I feel it would be optimal as your first step in escaping this swampy part of life for you.

Best of wishes to you, it is never too late to rediscover hope and find your way forwards again.