SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!!! An out of control Child.....

The biggest part of my depression is dealing with my youngest daughter and my husband - her father.

There is something wrong with my 11 year old daughter, I can't put my finger on it and I can't find the right doctor to help me. I have been trying for years to put a name to whatever it is that makes her do the things that she does. If anyone can recognize these symptoms, please let me know - I am desperate!!!!!!

- Profoundly violent toward her older sister: She has NO remorse when she hits her sister, if they get into an arguement, she resorts to hitting her. This IS NOT what I consider the normal fighting between siblings. She has been "arrested" one time for assault against her sister - she threw a plastic bottle of food at her and left an injury to her older sisters head. She was taken to the hospital by the police and spent a week in a pshyciatric hospital that did absolutely nothing to help the situation.

- Violent toward objects: When she gets angry, she will throw things or kick the wall. She has caused a few thousand dollars in damage to my home - Putting her foot through walls and breaking three doors.

- Extremely defiant: She just does not listen - if she is told to do something, she simply doesn't do it. Anything that requires movement on her part....ie. chores, letting the dogs out, cleaning her room. Getting her to do anything is a hassle, even bathing.

- Reclusive: She will literally shut down, will not speak to anyone, including me and her father. We recently met a long lost cousin and when we introduced her, she refused to say hello or even acknowledge her. She appeared to be shy and often I tell people that she just meets that she is a shy person. She will not participate in classroom discussions in school, nor will she put her hand up to volunteer to answer any questions during class.

- Does not take care of herself: Hygenically, she will not bathe unless we tell her to, when she does she doesn't do it right - we recently had to take her to the doctor because she was complaining about it hurting when she used the bathroom. She was diagnosed with vulvitis. We have had to cut her hair because she will not brush it right and she will have huge knots. We have to keep it short in order to manage it. She won't brush her teeth unless we are right there telling her to do so. When dressing, she doesn't care if her clothes are stained or she doesn't match. She has had several cases of head lice over the years as well.

- Wetting: Although this has decreased over the past year, we still have problems with her peeing in her pants and not saying anything about it. We usually know because she smells like she peed, and it will smell like she had done it hours before we realize she did it. I have to wash her clothes separately from the family, and several items of clothing I've had to throw out because I could not get the pee smell out of them.

- Education: She does not participate in class, she is currently failing several classes. In elementary school she appeared to do fine, her teachers said she was a joy to have in class. This year however she is not turning in assignments in class, she is not completing homework assignments - one of her teachers DID NOT recommend after school tutoring because she says that my daughter seems uninterested in education, that she is lethargic and unmotivated. I don't feel this is a result of defiant behavior, I think she truly does not comprehend what she is learning, and is too reclusive to speak up and get help.

- Strange thought process: A few months ago, my daughter admitted to me that she was molested by her paternal grandfather, but that he hasn't done anything since she was 8. Last weekend she asked if she could spend the night at her grandparents house and got very upset when I told her no. Her grandmother is out of town and she would be there alone with her grandfather. I don't feel this is normal behavior. I was molested when I was 13 and didn't want to be anywhere near the pediofile, but my daughter doesn't feel this way. I find this behavoir to be very strange. She also reacts to serious situations with no emotion at all....ie. her favorite uncle passed away and she did not cry. When she was four, her best friend died of cancer and she did not cry then either.

- Friends: My daughter basically has little or no friends. We had to reschedule her birthday because out of the 8 people we invited, most of them had other plans. We sent out 8 invitations the second time and only two friends showed up that were not also friends with her older sister. One of the friends was a boy and I was told the only reason why he showed up was because he thought a girl was going to be there that he liked.

Well, that's all I can think about for now. I am not asking anyone to diagnose this for me, I am simply hoping that there is someone out there who has a child with these same symptoms - I could really use the support and advice as to how to handle this until I can find a suitable doctor for her.

I also wanted to mention that I feel whatever is wrong with her is inherited from her fathers side of the family. My daughter has a slight speech impediment as does her father, paternal grandmother, and all three of her uncles. They also have a "frowny" look about them, they never smile for pictures, and up to about a year ago my daughter always looked sad in her pics. Now she has a smile in her school pictures that just looks fake. My daughter has a cousin that was put up for adoption when he was three because his parents couldn't deal with his mental illness. My daughter and my nephew could literally pass for identical twins.

Thanks in advance for any help.

hiya

have a little look into ADHD...it is just that my son is adhd and some of the things you said about your daughter are quite similiar

oh and look into ODD TOO

Sociopathy?

My daughter has previously been diagnosed with both ADHD and ODD, but I believe there is an underlying problem going on, more like a physical reason for her actions. I have set up an appointment for her to see a neurologist on January 9th, and hopefully they can run tests to see if there is any abnormal brain activity going on.

I don't believe she suffers from sociopathy, as she fails to have most of the symptoms. The only ones that do seem to apply to her are those that are behavorial in nature.

This morning, as in almost every morning, I was awaken by the sounds of her arguing with her older sister. This can't be healthy for me, to wake up every day with the amount of stress that causes me to have headaches.

I suffer from depression, and when it gets to the point that I can actually have thoughts of suicide it is a grave problem. I don't think I would ever attempt to commit suicide, because I'm to chicken to, but the thoughts are there and that is bothersome enough. I'm going back on meds because they make a world of difference to me, and the alternative is not an option.

In 2004, I was using marijuana as a way to cope with my mood swings and deal with her better. I know it was wrong, but I had a friend who used it who is bipolar and suffers from adult ADD, and when she is under the influence of this herb she claimed that she could deal with her children much better, so I tried it and it worked wonders for me. It allowed me to remain calm and not fly off the handle like a psycopath whenever my kids got out of control, which I feel is extremely important when handling situations like this. But the guilt of using it became overwhelming and that's when I stopped. I haven't used it in two years now, but sometimes I think, "Wow, that would really help me." My depression meds keeps my mind in balance, but it doesn't stop me from being flippiant when she acts up. I guess that is something I'm going to have to get a handle on, as going back to using the herb is not an option for me, nor will it be in the future.

I don't know....maybe I'm WAY off base here....but when I read stuff like that I can't help but think maybe she was violated by someone at somepoint in her life.....a sitter....a stranger.....an uncle....neighbor....younger or older cousin....I mean it could be anyone really......but so much of that behavior .....I just can't help but also line it up w/ how many children react when they've been sexually abused. Again....maybe I'm way off base and in her case it is strictly more a mental illness....but never hurts to see if by chance something did happen to her? I was molested as a young child....so of course my mind always goes off in that direction when I read things like this.

Angel wrote:I don't know....maybe I'm WAY off base here....but when I read stuff like that I can't help but think maybe she was violated by someone at somepoint in her life.....a sitter....a stranger.....an uncle....neighbor....younger or older cousin....I mean it could be anyone really......but so much of that behavior .....I just can't help but also line it up w/ how many children react when they've been sexually abused. Again....maybe I'm way off base and in her case it is strictly more a mental illness....but never hurts to see if by chance something did happen to her? I was molested as a young child....so of course my mind always goes off in that direction when I read things like this.

Yes, she was violated, by her paternal grandfather. I did mention that in my first post when I was explaining her "strange behavior," and the fact that a few weeks ago she wanted to go over there and spend the night when her grandmother was out of town. She had a temper tantrum when I told her she couldn't.

I don't know the extent of the abuse, what happened or how long it happened, but she said the last time he tried anything she was 8, so that tells me it had happened before. This all came about when I put my daughters in threrapy last year to deal with their relationship issues. The therapist told me that an ex boyfriend has molested both of them, but he took a polygraph and passed it. When the therapist gave me list of the symptoms that an abused child presents with, she had most of the symptoms. I relayed my concern to the therapist and told her that I suspected this had been going on a lot longer because she presented with those symptoms a long time before the ex came into the picture, and I suspected the grandfather because my oldest niece made an accusation 10 years ago, and nothing ever came of it because she had previously lied about being molested by someone. I wanted the therapist to talk more with my daughter to see if she could get her to admit to it, but instead the therapist called CPS and reported him without even talking to her, based on my fears. CPS would not pursue it because the same therapist called a week earlier and accused my ex.

My daughter won't give me any information about what happened to her, but she did tell me her grandfather was the abuser. I think her grandmother knows something as well because one of the things she told my husband was that my daughter not go over there while she was out of town. I did have her examined when the accusation was made against my ex, and they did not find any evidence of sexual assault, as far as any evidence of penetration that is.

I have a therapy appointment set up for next Friday with a new counselor, and I plan to tell her about this. Hopefully she will be able to break through the walls that my daughter put up and find out exactly what is going on, but until then I don't want to persue anything legally until I get more information from my daughter. It still disturbs me that she has no problems being around this man. I was also molested at age 12 but it was a boyfriend of my mothers and I didn't want to be anywhere near him. Perhaps it is different with family members. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted by her father during most of her childhood and she can stand to be around him, but has led a pretty screwed up life. I don't want that same thing for my daugher.

She has other issues going on that I can't blame an assault on, like the fact that she does not take responsibility for her room, her lack of comprehension when it comes to academics, the way she thinks, her speech impediment, and her outright hatred toward her sister. So she may suffer from being molested, but I think had that not happened there is another issue that she is dealing with that I can't put my finger on.

I am simply grasping at straws here, but take a look at PDD-NOS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pervasive_ ... l_disorder for a minute, maybe Asperger's Syndrome http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome as well. I know that Asperger's kids have problems with "rage" (fights with her sister) and they don't socialize like other children (lack of friends).

And they don't diagnose kids with Antisocial Personality Disorder... the precursor to it is Conduct Disorder. I'm not so sure that's it, but here's a link for you to peruse: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conduct_disorder

Maybe you should take her to the doctor (like a neurologist or something) and have her scanned for any brain abnormalities. Just a thought. Good luck, and let us know if you find out anything.

While reading your post, sexual abuse did occur to me as well, and you confirmed it. I'd look into that direction, perhaps find a new therapist, and put treatment as a first priority.

this sounds like a classic case of koro to me. you should bring her to a psychologist immediately.