Frustration and futility

Hi. I am in my last year of highschool and have been diagnosed with chronic depression. I would like to ask about anger. I would like people to keep in mind that these were expieriences from the past year. I was initially very idealistic and moralistic, but am now rather empty. Subjects such as school shootings used to anger me greatly. But in grade 11 I began to have a strange admiration for school shooters. I thought about the best ways to create chaos and killboxes in my school facilities. I considered different explosives (anfo, phosphorus, black powder, dynamite, acid, dry ice) and applications (breaching, demolition, crowd control). I thought of ways to divide the hoards and mitigate the power of the retaliating sects with inital blasts. I considered dates and times, methods of delivering the demolition charges. I even considered getting a part time job in the cafateria so I could turn the pressure cooker into an explosive device. I would have distractions set up in the garbage cans, dry ice bombs. I would leave incendiary bombs with cantileaver or photosensor triggers in lockers with two trigger detonation systems(the light from the locker opening, and the releivance of pressure from a textbook being leafed through and would depressurize right into their faces). I had a system of penning them all into a lobby, then locking the doors behind them and unloading into the crowd. Inwould have one open exit with trip bombs, and then it would be me in a car with a few other cars parcked around, creating a barricade, and I would fire from behind my cars locked window. Then I would rig the barricade to go up in smokes, and finally the collapse of the school. I even planned to overdose,'because it seems like an excellent way to die. And I would set charges in thetwo stairways which provide traversal of the levels. Controling the magnetic lockng system etc. I have good parents who have given me good expieriences, and all I can do is whine. Because I have no longer been able to motivate myself to exell in school, I thought that this would be something my parents could be proud of in a strange way. I just want to ###$ off out of my familys life because Im a goddamned burdeon and I cant stop being one. My parents want me to be excited about my future, but I cant get exited about anything. all I want to domright now is ###$ some girls, smoke some weed, get drunk, and maybe get my goddamned drivers licence finally. All things Ive never got to do. Inrealise thats a bad combination , and Im sorry if Im being crass, but thats how I feel. I dot feel bad for these thoughts, but Im sure I would if I followed through with them. I had fun creating these plans, but I also knew that I had no reason for doing this. I was just very angry and hopeless, and did not know how else to leave a mark on history. I thought it would be easy to set a new record, but even if I had the ability to obtain armaments (I live in a country with strict gun control), I probably would not have been able to bring myself to do it. Now this poorly directed anger is returning . Is this normal? I have also always enjoyed simulating "massacres in video games". However I feel compassion for human beings. When I cry it is usually when I have rationallized why I should cry. It seems that my emotions are completly backed up most of the time. Sorry for the immaturity expressed herein.