Can't get away from depression. No matter what i've tried, i

I have moved cities, changed friends, picked up new hobbies, exercised regularly, improved my diet, changed university course, got a job, travelled to new countries, even moved country.
Tried counselling, mentoring, self-help, journalling and some others to attack the problem directly. And i still don't seem to be able to shift this thing.
Nothing seems to work permanently.
In the moment, there is a thrill of change and the feeling you have left this thing behind you and are moving on to greener pastures and all that. I have had amazing opportunities at friend groups, jobs and lifestyles.
And yet... What it actually feels like is that this is my natural state or something. My default setting.
Three things left to try when i go back to my country next year. CBT, Therapy and Drugs. And i really don't want to try the last one. That could be a permanently change, and not in the way i am looking for.
We keep trying, we keep pushing on. But damn if this doesn't get exhausting and frustrating.
Does anyone else feel this way?

I tend to substitute the term "mood cancer" in my head when I see Depression. Can't outrun cancer. Doesn't hurt to try of course. But depression is a disease and has a range of effects too. Not all of them yield to improvements in diet or lifestyle.

Having written that. I don't believe it's anyone's default state, either. True, it isn't always fixable. But it's worth trying the CBT and therapy to see if they can help in some way. And personally I like meds. I may be biased because I have some that work for me. It's a huge difference and no difference at all. I'm still me. They haven't shifted my personality or outlook. Just moved on some of the bleak thoughts that I thought were a part of me. [But really weren't!]

Hi,

I felt compelled to respond to your post for many reasons, but mainly because it seems to me like you're trying to run away from someone that's inside of you. Even the title of your post "get away", suggests it it something you can just abandon at will. You have moved cities, even countries and your whole way of living, but you take this with you wherever you go because it's right there in the core of your being. I find myself wanting to abandon my life for a completely different one somewhere else, I even envied you when I read all the things you'd tried and how many times you had changed your life. I have trouble just bringing my dirty dishes to the kitchen. It took a lot for me to just write this, because I lack any kind of incentive. Yet you got yourself to make major changes and even move elsewhere. What we have in common though is there's this all-consuming, gut wrenching sadness inside of us that needs to be addressed. You can't address it by moving or simply changing your diet. You need to get to the root in order to understand what's causing it and that means getting treatment. Someone who sits across from you and asks the hard questions, but is compessionate and respectful. I was a little surprised after your list of things you'd tried to only see you mention therapy as a last resort, but it's the only thing that could help you with this long-term. I've been on the meds as well and am not against it, especially when you can barely function, but I don't think it'sd a long-term solution.
The challenge you face is finding a therapist who doesn't make you question who's the patient and who's the therapist. Believe me, I've had some crazy experiences. But once I finally landed with the right person, it was an enormous relief. Next to that, it helps to have someone in your personal life you can confide in and open up to (and yes, be vulnerable around, which is still incredibly hard for me), so you don't feel like you're just trying to get through the week until your next appointment.
You have the energy and the drive and that's a really good thing, but my advice is to use that to find a therapist you click with and take it from there. You need to treat the cause of the headache, so to speak, instead of just taking aspirin and hoping it will stay away.
It's always hard when it comes back after you've been doing...ok-ish for a while and you're desperate to not feel that way anymore. And nothing seems to work. So to answer your question: yes, I've felt that way. I've also felt like it was never gonna change and it was all hopeless and a lot of the time I still do, but all you can do is try to really understand yourself and how it's come to this. Once you understand a little more, there's some room for peace.

That's a powerful first post, FFT. I hope you stay to share more.