Getting high is all I have to live for

The title says it all. As a person with Asperger's who simply cannot maintain a connection with other people; what's the point? It's like living a life where you're on a radio, sending out signals, but you're on a different channel than everyone else. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. The only thing that gives me genuine joy, is the abuse of drugs and alcohol. I'm thinking that'd be a nice way to go; just chug a 1.75 liter in one sitting, and die with my B.A.C. more than 10x the legal limit. No one's gonna miss me. Even some of my family rejected me, which drove me to the gangs. I just wanted to feel like there would be people who wouldn't give up on me. Instead, they exploited me. I'm out of that situation now, but I still love to do drugs, as they taught me, and it's the only thing that can put a smile on my face. The only "connections" I made with people are shallow. I believed the people I bought from were my "friends" but to them, I was just part of "business". I'm also primarily attracted to teenage girls. It's very rare for me to find a WOMAN that I connect with, but the most recent one (which I thought was my soul mate, like I did many others) turned into a disaster, just as it always does. I can't even go outside without noticing young, attractive girls, and feeling like a monster. This also contributed to my criminal behavior over the years. I'm a burden on society. I can't connect with people. And I can't go out, without getting fantasies about the teenage girls I see. I should just stay locked up in my house, and smoking, drinking, and do drugs all day, because there's no other joy in this life for me. I think about ending my worthless existance, almost every night.

right now I'm in the same thought as you, there is nothing to lose, but worth a short-lived joy that a life 'unlived', if indeed our state has no solution my only way out I see is drugs it is sad but this is better than non-life
''badly distributed that this world ..''
Luck!

Hi,

what you write makes me remember how I felt before discovering NA two years ago.

I don't know how you would feel at "regular" Narcotics Anonymous while also having Asperger's, but I would recommend you check out DRA (Dual Recovery Anonymous) -- basically it helps both with substance problem and with mental illness. While most people think 12 step programs are only about getting sober/clean, it's actually more like full-on therapy and life manual, teaching you how to form relationships from scratch, build friendships not based on drugs and alcohol, etc.

I don't want to sound like I'm preaching here so I'll stop now PM me if you like, or look at this link: http://draonline.org/ (it's one of the worst websites made since Netscape Navigator was front page news, but there's a basic booklet with explanation for free in PDF format, and some basic explanation).

Hope this helps a bit. Big hugs.