Work and guilt

I can bet I know what the replies to this post will be but I need to let something out.

I had 6 weeks off work earlier this year with a bad bout of depression. I went back but noticed my mood was becoming more unhinged and I was put on sick leave 2 weeks ago (tomorrow I have a check-up to see how I am). My boss has been very supportive as have friends.

But this is the 6th time I've had a major depressive episode. Putting aside all the questions about therapy and meds, I feel like a complete burden and waste of time and finances for work because I don't feel reliable. When I'm up, I feel unbeatable at work and when I've crashed (like now), I feel like they're going to sack me for being unreliable and too ill to work.

Of course, I love my job and I really want to go back. I'm lucky in that respect.

So does anybody else feel useless and crap and very, very paranoid about being off work sick with mental health problems?

I can't say I relate to the paranoia...I tend more to think in the other extreme, that other people are likely to treat me *too* well and that I don't deserve what I get from others...:\

But I definitely know what it's like to feel useless. I've been on leave from my job for quite some time now and I know what you mean about doing really well when you're up and not being able to work when you're down.

I guess one thing that could help is for us to do our best to remind ourselves that we're probably exaggerating things (or even getting it totally wrong) when we imagine how others look at us (for you, paranoia, for me, the opposite).