Psychotically depressed for over an year *TW*

So, I'm new here and I don't know where exactly to create this topic in (or if I should create it at all to begin with).

I have been suffering from depression for well over a year, but sometime into the depression I noticed some "voices" in my head and other strange things such as moving shadows that should not be there and sometimes I would see people that were not real. I was then diagnosed with psychotic depression and from there it all went downhill. Back then I could function, and by that I mean that I could go to school and hang out with my family(I don't have many friends where I live now so I would just go out with my family most of the time) and also work a bit, but I started to see and hear and feel things which were not real more and more frequently, specially as it neared the start of my last high school year.

When I went to school again I would get anxious quickly and started to have serious problems with these things that I see. I know they are not real, but they are often very scary, really dark things that keeps me up most nights. And so it came to a point where I would wake up to go to school, say bye to my mom so she would know I was going to school and I would just go to a quiet park to try and calm down until it was time to go back home. Obviously that didn't last for long since she found out I wasn't going to school in a couple of weeks. By then I couldn't even hope to control the things in my head and the world became so scary. I was in my last year of high school and I sincerely thought I was ready to get on with my life, but then this happened.

In between my mother finding out I wasn't going to school and actually dropping out I started cutting myself. In my head it made perfect sense every time I did it and after it I would just feel guilty and the "voices" would say things like "You're pathetic, look at what you have done", but they would most of the time just laugh at me, and that's what really kills me. They laugh at me and sometimes it is just so much that I can't think at all. The worst part was that I couldn't get out of home and that made it impossible for me to go to my psychologist's and psychiatrist's appointments.

Throughout the year, after many visits to the emergency room and some unpleasant trips to the equivalent of a psychiatric hospital in my country, I was also diagnosed with paranoia (probably why I kept all those knives with me at all times) and bipolar disorder(I would feel less bad at some times and quite worse at others, so I think that was accurate).

But I got significantly better with time. Enough to make my mother think it would be a good idea to drag me on a road trip to the neighboring countries. The trip, at first, was hard for me, but after a few days things seemed to get better. I made some realizations and I found some strength in myself while I had all that time to think in a different environment. When I got back to my country I was feeling good enough to stark working again (working in my mother's clinic, though, so it wouldn't be too stressful and intimidating) and I made a commitment with myself to get my life back on track.

In a couple of months I was already taking a very low dose of just one medication and I could go out of home just fine again. I had not cut myself or had any hallucinations in quite some time. I was almost happy, but, as I feared, I started to get worse again. Thankfully I didn't get as bad as before and I managed to recover to an almost happy state again. My psychologist told me that I may experience some episodes of depression now and then because of my bipolar disorder, but, thankfully, I had very few psychotic or/and depressive episodes for a quite some time and, when it happened, I managed them well and soon I was quite well again.

The problem is, school is starting soon and I am halfway through getting my driver's license, but my father (the person I loved most on this planet) died. I didn't have any episodes for a week or so after receiving the news, but then it all started again. I am afraid I'll never be able to finish high school or do anything with my life. I don't know what will happen to me if I can't go to school anymore, life already seems not worth living, I can only imagine what will happen when school starts and I'm not able to go again. I don't think I have the strength to get out of this again...

I am here now, trying to find some people that understand what it is like to have depression ruin their lives like this. I'm sorry this is so long, I just don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. Thanks for your attention and I'm sorry for my English, it is not my native language.

Thank you.