This is bizarre for me, but I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to a person on the phone about this, I can't talk with friends or family so I'm a bit lost.
About me, I'm a PMC (Private Military Contractor) aka Mercenary or gun for hire, to some.
I'm a recovering Heroin addict and Pain killer addict,
6 year relationship ended right when we were to get engaged (it's been 6mo's),
I changed my profession and it's been extremely hard to find adequate work so money is becoming an issue. I feel like I could go on and on, bt that's the basics.
I've never been afraid to die, but in no way wanted to die. All of a sudden I'm looking for reasons why not to just end it. I see my friends would be disappointed, my mother and father would be crushed, and I know it sounds selfish but how long until this weight builds to the point where those things no longer matter?
It's not even a "mental" pain, it's literally physically painful. My mind hurts like having a migraine.
As I write this it actually makes me feel more at ease about walking outside and putting a 9mm hole in my head.
I just hope someone has some advice.