Can't break free of suicidal thoughts

This is bizarre for me, but I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to a person on the phone about this, I can't talk with friends or family so I'm a bit lost.

About me, I'm a PMC (Private Military Contractor) aka Mercenary or gun for hire, to some.
I'm a recovering Heroin addict and Pain killer addict,
6 year relationship ended right when we were to get engaged (it's been 6mo's),
I changed my profession and it's been extremely hard to find adequate work so money is becoming an issue. I feel like I could go on and on, bt that's the basics.

I've never been afraid to die, but in no way wanted to die. All of a sudden I'm looking for reasons why not to just end it. I see my friends would be disappointed, my mother and father would be crushed, and I know it sounds selfish but how long until this weight builds to the point where those things no longer matter?

It's not even a "mental" pain, it's literally physically painful. My mind hurts like having a migraine.

As I write this it actually makes me feel more at ease about walking outside and putting a 9mm hole in my head.

I just hope someone has some advice.

hi, i'm sorry you're struggling with suicidal thoughts and feeling lost. yes, your family would definitely be hurt if you ended your life. and you can't guarantee that 'afterlife' is better than what you're going through - esp if you end your own life. i hope you spend more time to see the beautiful things in your life, i know its not easy. and please seek professional help, or let your family know what you're thinking. you deserve to live ..

Thanks,
seeing the things I have, being were I have, and now being here with nothing positive makes afterlife the least of my concerns. If there's a hell, I'm pretty sure I've been there. The biggest problem is I literally cannot seek any counseling or I will literally be left with nothing. I'm hoping this all will pass as I've never felt this way.

I don't know, thanks for the reply. I just needed to find some sort of outlet since I have nobody to speak with.

Another thing is out of 35 guys I traveled with 8 have committed suicide.

It's quite hard to be here and look for other work / life and my resume is "Contract Killer" that is how it's perceived. I can't speak with anyone about a 10 year period of my life unless it's cryptic. Everything I was made to be has made me a very lonely person and I'm a people person. easily liked, but people get turned off thinking I don't talk about myself because I don't trust them.

I used to play rugby with me neighbors son and friends teaching them the sport, now they don't want me around them. All because the father is a defense contractor who knows what I did and who I worked for.

I really don't want to go back, but I almost think that's all there is for me.

Thanks for reading my ranting...

welcome, i think writing is a good way to release your negative feelings, it helps even just a little bit. i'm sorry i can't be of much help in my reply, but i'm listening. and hang in there, bad things don't last forever. i hope this awful situation ends soon ..

Glad you decided to post how you felt here!

Seems like you've been through quite a lot! That in itself can make or break a person and not only that but that tells me that you have a hidden strength that you can tap into just based off of your experiences and circumstances. Its up to you to use that strength for the good or the bad. I'm quite sure if you could talk to those 8 others that made that decision and you were given the chance to talk them out of it, you would... use them to continue on and show there's light at the end of every tunnel. Your definitely here for a reason and I see you doing amazing things if you begin to look at the bright side of things, venture into new relationships whether there friendships, etc and just build new memories and begin to enjoy life again!

If others decide to judge you based upon your 'prior job title', that's there loss. you know yourself the best and from what I hear your a really nice person w/much to give! everything is based upon our own choices.. whether its where we are now, what we'll be in a couple months, years, etc. choose life and live it to your fullest ability and when u think u can't go on... dig even deeper to find reasons to live! There's a billion out there I know its easier said then done.. I used to be extremely depressed, suicidal, the whole 9 but (not to get religious) I would pray every since night and try and see and think about any possible positive reason that I may be here for and was created for and at the end of the day... we were all created for a reason and YOU MATTER! Taking away something that we're blessed with and others don't even get the chance to experience is beyond selfish and at this point... why not live it up and try any possible options.. you ultimately have nothing to lose.. you already feel like you have nothing. There's only opportunity to BUILD now!

I hope I am of help, everything I said I meant 100%

RedTide wrote:it's been extremely hard to find adequate work so money is becoming an issue.
...
I just hope someone has some advice.

Depression has more than one cause. However, I guess one of the major causes is to maintain the hierarchical structure of the patriarchy. At the top of society are the alphas who feel motivated, have loads of self-confidence, and play a leadership role. At the bottom of the pyramid are those who have little motivation, no self confidence, and are not leadership material.

Cybernetic hormonal feedback loops result in some people feeling empowered, while others feel depressed. This mechanism dumps chemicals responsible for emotions into our blood and brain for the purpose of maintaining the hierarchy and the command structure of society.

This has nothing to do with your doings or actions; it's a metasocial process happening at a large scale of which you and nearly everyone are quite unaware.

What knowledge of this mechanism can give you is a potential way out of depression. The practice which will reverse the social coding you've undergone is leadership. Giving orders and telling people what to do. Practicing leadership will get the dormant parts of your brain and the hormonal flows going and recode your brain and body from a depressed follower into a motivated self-confident leader.

I have no idea where you live but no doubt there are all sorts of youth leadership programs available: for example John Robert Powers seminars or Rotary Leadership Awards.