Clinical Depression - losing hope, please help me..

Blackburn wrote:I feel..- sometimes I feel like I'm on this path leading nowhere, into just emptiness.

Depression has more than one cause. However, I guess one of the major causes is to maintain the hierarchical structure of the patriarchy. At the top of society are the alphas who feel motivated, have loads of self-confidence, and play a leadership role. At the bottom of the pyramid are those who have little motivation, no self confidence, and are not leadership material.

Cybernetic hormonal feedback loops result in some people feeling empowered, while others feel depressed. This mechanism dumps chemicals responsible for emotions into our blood and brain for the purpose of maintaining the hierarchy and the command structure of society.

This has nothing to do with your doings or actions; it's a metasocial process happening at a large scale of which you and nearly everyone are quite unaware.

What knowledge of this mechanism can give you is a potential way out of depression. The practice which will reverse the social coding you've undergone is leadership. Giving orders and telling people what to do. Practicing leadership will get the dormant parts of your brain and the hormonal flows going and recode your brain and body from a depressed follower into a motivated self-confident leader.

I have no idea where you live but no doubt there are all sorts of youth leadership programs available *mod edit*

Blackburn wrote:I can relate to you 100% about paranoia!! Everyday I felt like I was being watched by everyone, like there were 1000 eyes looking at me, monitoring my every move. The random curious looks from people glancing at me would drive me INSANE because I felt like they knew about my problems and they believed me to be some freak on the inside. Eventually when I started to cut I wanted to actually cut my face into a smile.. I couldn't stand the paper face I wore every waking minute of those two first years of High school. It got to the point where I would hold my breath the entire day since my anxiety utterly consumed me. Not only would I hold my breath but I would go to the single bathrooms multiple times a day just to escape everything.

That is pretty spot on how I feel most times. When I was in high school I really thought I was about to do something really bad to myself. Every person that looked at me seemed to be judging me, seeing my flaws. Every, and I mean EVERY single social interaction that I would have would make me very anxious and, even though I avoided talking to people, I would eventually need to. High school is really tough for me, I just need to complete one more year of school and I'll graduate, but I can't really go to school without having some sort of crisis or something like that. All those judging faces and those people silently mocking me really used to put me past the edge. It didn't take long into the day for me to be so out of myself that I would lose grip with reality again and would just escape to somewhere quiet to try and shut up the voices in my head, but I don't think that is your case. I'm just trying to tell you that high school was (and probably will still be) torture for me, so much that I lost one year of it already because of this (which makes everything worse). You're not alone in that and I understand you, I'm just glad that you're strong enough to keep going there and trying even if you have to "take a break" from it all multiple times.

Blackburn wrote:.. which caused me to trust no one, not even myself (if that makes sense). I don't know if you also feel that way.

It does make sense, I don't trust myself either. I'm always "half-sure" that I'll stab myself in the back sooner or later, in some way or another. It really bothers me because it is one thing that I can't beat, it is like I'm fighting myself sometimes and I just ask myself "how can I outsmart myself?!" That started happening when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so, mixed with paranoia it resulted in me not trusting myself, like I was unconsciously looking to destroy myself at every turn.

If you need to talk to someone, just PM me and I'll respond you.

The only thing that really kept me together was this girl one grade below me. She seemed very caring and understanding of what was happening, not only that but, we became pretty close friends to the point where I started to have feelings for her and began dreaming about simply seeing her. But, there are some people who are actually happy that I'm in this mess and they took advantage of it and started this massive feud between us and her. Eventually I got worse because my anger would spike whenever he would speak to her or if the continued to talk I would worry that I was losing her. That pretty much caused my first panic attack. And then the same guy who was actually my best friend said I was going through all of this for attention and well.. months later here I am now.

Everyone has a pretty distorted view of me now, I think. But that wasn't the only problem, if you checked out my OCD post you already know.

I checked your OCD post now. Yeah, I don't know much about how to help you with that whole other aspect of things, but I know a bit about paranoia. It does seem like you had/have some idiot "friends". I wouldn't be able to stay friends with someone that tries to screw me over like that. You should stay away from people like that, stick with people that care about you. Don't go thinking that everyone has a distorted view of you, that's not healthy or accurate. I know it is hard to see past the silent judging and mocking voices, but maybe you should try that, right?

I do not know you, but I don't think you are doing things to get attention. No one really chooses to go through the kind of things you are going through. Those people that think that way are probably ignorant about this kind of things (if not really just completely ignorant). I try not to give people anything that they could use to hurt me. Sure, I still talk about my problems, but only to people I trust or if someone asks me specifically about them or when people don't really know me (such as in this forum). I haven't really trusted anyone for a long time, only in the past few months I have been able to talk about my problems with people that were not my family or my psychologist/psychiatrist, and even so, I can count those people I trust in one hand.

About the girl, maybe you should keep trying? It may be a good thing to pursue.

Another thing, you do need attention. Not like, "attention-seeker", but in a professional way. Mental problems are not to be overlooked or treated lightly. Also having your family care for you helps a lot, and I hope they do.

I have no idea where you live but no doubt there are all sorts of youth leadership programs available *mod edit*
Last edited by Oliveira on Tue Aug 26, 2014 12:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Please refrain from advertising commercial programs.

RYLA Rotary Youth Leadership Awards is a non-profit organization; participants are nominated and attend seminars and workshops etc cost free. *mod edit*