Clinical Depression - losing hope, please help me..

I don't really know where to start so if it seems jumbled I apologize. I'm 16 and I'm a Junior in high school. I used to play sports: 8 years of hockey, I play football currently. Around the time of my parents' divorce which was when I was in 2nd grade, I believe this is when became depressed and it spiraled out from there. My eczema caused me to became extremely self-conscious about myself and also paranoid, I always felt like people were judging me because of how bad it was on my hands. (I live in a very wealthy family, so even medications sometimes didn't help). So anyway in 6th grade I became so paranoid that everyone talked about me and hated me because my best friend started to ignore me and was becoming a real asshole and this continued to 8th grade. Around the end of 8th grade my other friend, who was in a relationship, became jealous when a good girl friend of mine called me by a nickname and he took it out over her and she ignored me and took out it on me yatta yatta yatta.

High school was way worse for me, my freshman and sophomore years were absolute hell because I felt as is I couldn't connect to anyone, I couldn't hold a conversation, and I constantly felt like my friends used me because of my wealth. (Around December I started crying every other day when I was home alone). Sophomore year came around and I still felt depressed/anxious/obsessive. I posted on the OCD forum which will fill any holes you may find in my post, so please, feel free to look. My classes were fine but I struggled in math. A good friend invited me to her fire as well as 10 other people which made me feel like I was wanted. I soon developed a crush on one of the freshman there, but she had gone through a break up so I wasn't going to be the asshole guy and swoop in a take her right after. So I waited and we became closer and closer each month, while I got progressively worse.. . Then near the end of the school year another "best friend" of mine came in took advantage of my illness and started talking to her which made me increasingly angry and even more strange acting around her. Eventually stuff happened and neither of them talk anymore, her and I still do but not as much. After all of that I started to cut myself because my anxiety became so unbearable I felt like I had no control of my self and I so desperately wanted all of my unwanted thoughts and $#%^ to just leave me alone! My parents found out and I was sent to a Crisis Unit for a week and no one asked where I was except my crush. But here's the thing about that, her and another girl were going back and forth about information I had been saying, so my paranoia thought that she only asked where I was because of all the events that happened before, not because she actually cared. But I have no idea what the hell the truth is anymore, about anything. I lie and lie and lie so much that sometimes I believe in them myself! I remember every little ######6 detail of every little situation and I can not stop thinking about it!! My therapist and psychiatrist put me on new meds that had been helping but now I feel like I'm getting worse and everyone is ignoring me because they think I'm an attention seeker!

That's one thing that really made me angry..^^^^^^^^. My own best friend thought I was doing this all for attention because I talked about to sooo many people because I just feel so alone and I'm soo ######6 scared for the future because I can't keep living like this anymore!! Wanna know something funny? I see fate as EVIL, predetermined, not by some higher power, but by the rules of human nature. Sometimes I think that all the BAD DAYS, the BRUTALLITIES, were all the hand of fate, all leading up to this one moment and all the people I've met so far. I feel..- sometimes I feel like I'm on this path leading nowhere, into just emptiness. Now I just look back at all this $#%^ and laugh, but my madness reverberates off the walls of my own emptiness..

Please, ANY tips or wisdom on what I can do to fix this hell hole of a life?!!? I can't go through another whole year of this.. feeling like death is an ally. What can I do about the girl because whenever I see her.. I get this strange feeling but I only feel it occasionally. I look at her sometimes and I feel like she is the reason worth living in this wretched world. PLEASE HELP ME WITH ANY KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE!

Sounds though, hope you are well. I read that you are currently seeing a therapist and psychiatrist?
Maybe share this information with them, then they could help you. And you know,.. this stuff takes time, working through problems, especially during puberty, is very hard because of all the added emotions. And school is a difficult place to be when you are depressed and anxious.

You are still very young! If you stick with this therapy thing and focus on good things (even if there's only one little good thing) you might recover very well and be back on track with your life in a while!
I was about your age when I started getting depressed and anxious and sought help for it when I was 19. I wish I had gotten help earlier.

Try to calm down, put yourself in positive situation, no negative people around. When you have a hard time think to yourself that it will pass. Sometimes you just have to live from moment to moment but it will get better. Talk to your therapist and be honest and open, that way he or she will be able to help you best. Oh and don't worry too much about girls and guys and friends and whatnot. Focus on you getting better and all the rest will flow.

Thank you Yokker, I have spoke to both about each individual problem. I've posted topics on this site because I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks so I needed a way to talk about it. I assume you read the other posts too?

I Hadn't because I usually only write in the Mood and Living with mental illnes fora post. But I have read them now, so I got it all.

Understandable that you needed to vent/talk. I do feel like you were kinda stressed, hyper or panicked when you made the posts?

Regarding the things you wrote in OCD forum; I think wether or not you have feelings for these people or not and wether you are attracted to girls or boys, is not really a problem. I don't mean to say that like it's nothing but I mean that those are common things to think about and to be confused about. You can have crushes on multiple people of both genders (unless this is an issue for you or your family?). What I think is making it hard for you is your anxiety and obsessive thoughts that make it very intense for you.
When you think about it, what about these crushes is it that upsets you? Do you feel like you can't like boys? Or do you feel like you have too many crushes?

Engage in a conversation with yourself in a calm manner, thinking rationally over the obsessive thoughts you have. Maybe you are able to see past these anxious thoughts.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by what about the crushes that bothers me. For starters I have always been shy, especially around girls since like 5th grade. As for the boys I've never thought of guys in that manner of a relationship. Like I've always thought girls were the beautiful ones and as for the "too many crushes?" I actually don't get crushes often. Like once every couple of years I start to have feelings, or maybe not? I've been overthinking this for almost three years now. My parents are not homophobic so its not an issue if I really am gay or bi. Because of the confusion and crap the only real idea that I am straight, is from the dreams of my crush and the sheer excitement when I asked her to the dance ( and every time I see her I get really excited like my heart starts pumping incredibly). But the kid who I think is gay has caused me insane fear and obsessive thinking, which I think I explained in the OCD forum.

Well I guess I just got a feeling that there were many crushes because you speak about some of them and worry alot about your crush on this girl and the fear that this guy has a crush on you?

I can understand that those things cause some stress and anxiety, do you feel there lies a problem in these things happening? You say you are freaked out and have obsessive thoughts, I can't really see what would make you so upset. What are you thinking/feeling about these things you write that upsets you? Does it just feel overwhelming? Or are you very troubled by the obsessive thoughts? Maybe you could try and redirect some of your attention to other things, like a hobby, schoolwork or something else that doesn't give you anxiety? Or if you keep thinking about these things try and work out for yourself why you can't let it go. Sometimes I have to think through why I am obsessing over something, but when realise what is causing that I can let it go.

For example, if I was freaked out by the thought that someone has a crush on me or likes me in some way, i'd try and think of why it is freaking me out. Do I not want him to like me? Why would I not want him to like me? Maybe because he would think I'm gay and Im not? Maybe I could let him know I'm not interested or gay. Or maybe just realising this would make me feel like it is not my responsibility to act on this at all. I mean, who the hell cares if he likes me? This was just an example so, don't feel like I think this is your situation.

It might help with working through obsesive thoughts and letting them go.

And for the rest.. having a crush on a girl can be nice too. I mean you could act on it if you wanted to, ask her out. But you don't have to and you could just kind of enjoy the butterflies in your stomach? I still feel like I want you to realise you can calm down and not feel like you have to do something about these things. You can just let them be. But maybe I don't quite get it so sorry!

Well that's the thing.. Its an irrational fear, I know it is. But I keep getting thoughts that I do NOT want and that's why its freaking me out, they simply won't go away, they're very intrusive. I'm not homophobic at all, I've been around, talked to, had teammates and seen gays naked it didn't bother me at all. Like, the kid who I think likes me isn't even attractive either so.. unlike other guy friends who are very good looking I feel no anxiety or feelings around them.

It's my anxiety and obsessive thinking that has latched onto this irrational fear, making me freak out. As for focusing on other stuff like homework, I can't. Simply because these damn thoughts never leave me alone. I don't really know how to explain it but its kinda like leaving your home with the garage door open and the thought of it is pushed back and you can still feel it there, gnawing at you.

I get it, sounds tough! I do know what it's like to not be able to push away certain thoughts, they just won't go. Getting on an antidepressant SSRI really helped me with my intrusive thoughts, maybe your medication will settle and work for you and maybe you need to look some further. I hope you get there with the guidance of the people who treat you!

I think I can relate to you, Blackburn. I know this feeling of paranoia and obsessive thinking. It used to gnaw at me every in almost every social situation and even when I'm alone. It got so bad that I couldn't go out and, when I decided I would anyway, I would get very anxious and would avoid people as much as I could because I thought they were all judging me. Every time someone would laugh anywhere close to me and I couldn't see a clear reason why I would just assume they were laughing at me, that they thought I was pathetic and they could clearly see my flaws. I would run away from every social situation that I could because I couldn't bear the thought that others were laughing at me or judging me somehow.

When the paranoia and anxiety got worse, as school was about to start again (high school), I started cutting myself for relief (also because of some "voices" in my head put me on edge, but that's beside the point), but I would just feel guilty afterwards, but I always did it again because I couldn't find relief in any other way, I'm not sure if that's exactly how you feel though. I wasn't diagnosed with paranoia at the time so I didn't even know exactly what was going on, but I looked for professional help.

I went to a psychologist and psychiatrists, but in my case what helped the most was my psychologist. She helped me get less anxious in social situations and have less obsessive thoughts and she helped me talk to people again (not that it I'm comfortable talking to people again or that the symptoms went away, it just got more manageable). She tried hypnosis to try and help me, but I'm not sure if that's what really helped me. I personally think that, most likely, it was the fact that I was very open with her.

What I'm trying to tell you is to be open with your psychologist because that helped me a lot. Even though I'm still struggling with quite a few other things, I can now talk to people without being very anxious and almost not anxious at all with the people that I know reasonably well. It is important to like your psychologist and maybe even have a good relationship with her/him (that may come with time, though). I hope I was of some help. It is tough, I know. Good luck with everything.

I can relate to you 100% about paranoia!! Everyday I felt like I was being watched by everyone, like there were 1000 eyes looking at me, monitoring my every move. The random curious looks from people glancing at me would drive me INSANE because I felt like they knew about my problems and they believed me to be some freak on the inside. Eventually when I started to cut I wanted to actually cut my face into a smile.. I couldn't stand the paper face I wore every waking minute of those two first years of High school. It got to the point where I would hold my breath the entire day since my anxiety utterly consumed me. Not only would I hold my breath but I would go to the single bathrooms multiple times a day just to escape everything.

Every waking day to me feels like a death walk.. the same thing everyday. I would watch people as the would go about their day and the were always doing the exact same thing thinking that their actions would cause a different outcome, but it was always the same response they'd got before. I feel as if I'm INSANE, just stuck on this path leading nowhere, to just emptiness. And then things escalated second semester.. which caused me to trust no one, not even myself (if that makes sense). I don't know if you also feel that way.