Depression can't get out of it

My mother, with whom I have serious issues with, had major surgery last week and I went to help for a week. Not for mother but for sister.

When I arrived, I saw mother standing outside and looked so different. Something shifted in me and I felt a lot of bitterness and anger drift away. Felt very strange but was happy that poison left me. Can't say I love her but I can be friendly and I could genuinely take care of her.

I love my sister very much but she got wasted the first 2 nights I was there and she was very mean to me. It hurt in ways I can't describe. The whole time I was there she was evil/nice, evil/nice and it confused me.

When I left everything was in good order and I had helped my mom become self sufficient to where she could get to the kitchen and make herself simple meals. Everything was organised to make eveything as simple as possible.

My sister called me last night and told me that all of a sudden my mother turned into a raging maniac and said some really, incredibly mean and hateful things to her. After all the things my sister has done for her.

Anyway I don't know what to do. I feel super depressed and can't seem to shake it. My emotions are all over the place between my feelings about my sister and my mother. It feels like everything is shattered. I feel like just cutting everyone off and maybe I'd have some peace. But have a feeling it would make things worse.

I haven't felt this depressed this long for good while and it scares me.

Can anyone offer me some advice? I'm hurting and don't know how to stop it.

Sounds like everyone in your immediate family is going through a challenging "adjustment period", which is normal after there is a major life change or stressor in your family, in this case, your mom's health. This will ultimately take some time to adjust/get used to, however it is normal to feel somewhat depression, anxious, as well as for the other people surrounding the stressor (such as your sister) to also be anxious, and can affect your relations-interactions with that person &-or people surrounding the stressor. Also, What they call "Caregiver" stress can take a toll on how family members interact with eachother, when caring for a loved one.

Other things I would wonder are; have you had a good relationship with your mom/sister in the past? if so, how long ago? and what was it like, when you did? And also, were you feeling this depression before all of this happened? or at other points in your life?

Looking_to_help wrote:Other things I would wonder are; have you had a good relationship with your mom/sister in the past? if so, how long ago? and what was it like, when you did? And also, were you feeling this depression before all of this happened? or at other points in your life?

I have not had a good relationship with my mother for a number of years. I wont go into the details of why that was because it would make this post 10 pages long. The few times I have seen her or have spoken with her have been very tense for me. For some reason she talks to me like she's a little kid. It's weird and I really don't like it.

My sister and I have a wonderful relationship, she has been the most consistent loving family member I have. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer some years back. I quit my job and basically moved to where she lived and helped take care of her and it felt good. She also finally realized that even though I am her baby sister, I am a capable adult. That was a major shift for her. But she was easier to take care of through her illness. She beat it by the way. Not many survive that. Ever since then we've had a great relationship. That's why it hurt so much when she was mean to me.

You make a good point about the toll serious health problems can take on everyone around them.

Yes, I have suffered from depression for a long time. Since I was a teenager. But lately, before all of this I had actually been feeling good. The whole situation had me turned around.

It did take a toll on me, taking care of my mother, I just didn't realise it until I left. I immediately felt relaxed and relieved. My S/O picked me up and did all the driving. I nearly fell asleep.

Thank you so much for replying and giving me perspective on the situation. It's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it.

Glad I was able to help shine some clarity on to what you are going through. Hope you continue your healing process and best of luck to ya!!

firelamb67 wrote:I feel super depressed and can't seem to shake it. My emotions are all over the place between my feelings about my sister and my mother. It feels like everything is shattered. I feel like just cutting everyone off and maybe I'd have some peace. But have a feeling it would make things worse.

I haven't felt this depressed this long for good while and it scares me.

Can anyone offer me some advice? I'm hurting and don't know how to stop it.

Depression has more than one cause. However, I guess one of the major causes is to maintain the hierarchical structure of the patriarchy. At the top of society are the alphas who feel motivated, have loads of self-confidence, and play a leadership role. At the bottom of the pyramid are those who have little motivation, no self confidence, and are not leadership material.

Cybernetic hormonal feedback loops result in some people feeling empowered, while others feel depressed. This mechanism dumps chemicals responsible for emotions into our blood and brain for the purpose of maintaining the hierarchy and the command structure of society.

This has nothing to do with your doings or actions; it's a metasocial process happening at a large scale of which you and nearly everyone are quite unaware.

What knowledge of this mechanism can give you is a potential way out of depression. The practice which will reverse the social coding you've undergone is leadership. Giving orders and telling people what to do. Practicing leadership will get the dormant parts of your brain and the hormonal flows going and recode your brain and body from a depressed follower into a motivated self-confident leader.

I have no idea where you live but no doubt there are all sorts of youth leadership programs available *mod edit*

I'm feeling much better now. Just a dip here and there. The programs wouldn't work for me. I'm 47. Still working on my issues and I am back in control. Thanks for the info. I'm also not working right now so I don't think I would make a good contribution to that organization. I think you have to be nominated for membership. At least down here in the south.

I am very capable of being a leader. I have had many opportunities to be one but I self sabotage and ultimately fail. Once I get things in order that will not happen that will not happen again.

firelamb67 wrote: I'm also not working right now...

I am very capable of being a leader. I have had many opportunities to be one but I self sabotage and ultimately fail.

Mhm.

Hhhhmmmmm. Well I don't believe there are patriarchal issues involved here in regards to my family. The patriarch of my family has been dead a few years. He chose the bottle over his family and we all let him go. He's not had any influence over me in a number of years. You probably were talking about something on a higher level, but it's not that quite complicated for me.

I take medication to help with my depression (i'm sure you'll have something to say about that). But what I went through with my mother and my sister really threw me a loop. I was expecting horrible problems being around my mother because she was physically, emotionally an psychologically abusive to me when I was young. It was my sister who hurt me and that's not like her, not with me anyway. That goes a long way to erode ones ability to develope confidence and leadership capabilities. There's no medication or any chemical influnce that could have prevented the way I felt afterward. I had to deal with it and ultimately I did and am feeling good again.

***BIG TW*** Not to mention I had a next door neighbor who thought it would be great fun to f**k and torture a 9 yr old kid until she was 13. He was kind enough to teach me eveything in the book about sex. He taught me the only thing I was good for was sex. He taught me that I had to have sex whenever it was asked for or demanded. He was a good teacher.***END TW

I'm also sure that being in a physically abusive relationship had nothing to do with further eroding my capabilities.

There's more but i'll just leave it there. But the thing is, I know where my faults lie, I acknowledge and know what I need to do to fix them. And that's what i'm doing.

I have literally clawed my way out of a filthy dumpster and managed to achieve some pretty great things that you don't even know about. That i'm here, healing and working says a lot about me and my capabilities. Once I get it in line nothing is going to stop me. No patriarchal bs, no hormone bs, nothing! I'll be standing on my own two feet and kicking a$$, not just talking about it.

I think the fact that you were able to overcome the feelings you were having about your mother is great and a huge step towards healing and recovering what she did to you. You're right. The fact that you've lived through all of this shows how strong you are. I hope you keep on the road to recovery