An Aperture Into Apathy

Have you ever walked into a room with a strong scent, then waited a few minutes just to find out that you can't smell it as well anymore? It is called neural adaptation, and that's kind of how I feel about my sadness. (Which has been the dominant emotion in my life for around 2 decades) I've been depressed for so long that the lake has run dry and now a drought has taken root. I'm as hollow as the crater where a lake once stood.

Indifference tinged with a speck of despair is all that seems to be left. There's no value or meaning, no sunshine or rain, beauty has been rendered dull, and sadness rendered pointless. I live in a world where paintings have their coulors sapped from them and tragedies illicit no emotional response.

There's just a phrase that is suspended in the chasm that is my head. It's all #######4.

I meant to say elicit, not illicit. Sorry.

I relate very much to the idea of tragedies eliciting no emotional response. I no longer comprehend -- either on a cognitive or emotional level -- why something like a plane crash is a bad thing. Life is meaningless and so the loss of life is too.

But it goes beyond that. I no longer understand the difference between someone getting a raise or someone getting fired. Each event is a meaningless drop in an endless sea of nothingness. My mind no longer differentiates between those two events. I can still understand the difference between good things and bad things happening to me (particularly things which have tangible effects), but for other people that understanding is almost gone. I guess my empathy is almost lost.

It's sort of weird to see the world like this.

It is. Hearing all the bad stuff in the world keeps piling on. I used to be very empathetic. Then instead I got mad. Then with Sandy Hook, my mind just broke. It just shattered and couldn't take it anymore. Literally didn't speak to my S/O for almost 9 months.

When part of my brain came back, I tried to talk and had a horrible stutter. That has since left but right now I feel empty and dead inside. My goals have disappeared and I just don't care anymore. Hope I snap out of this, it's scary to me.

I want my life back and I will fight as hard as I can to get it back, but it's awful hard right now.