Getting a understanding at where I'm at mentally.

So I've got a more clear view of where I'm at mentally but it's not a good thing. I've come to the conclusion that life has been cut in half. I just can't share anyones enjoyment in life anymore. Everything has been done before wether it is TV, Radio, Music, Film, everything is just being repeated.

I can see so clearly how we were all once upon a time apes just hungry for food and taking territories, taking each others company and making more apes. We're here to survive, survive what though and if you can't find the enjoyment in the little things never mind the big things then is there a point to living?

I just don't share any enthusiasm for life and it isn't based on how I "feel" more just on how I "think". It's not one of those were it's like "oh I don't know why I'm feel down" I've thought myself into a situation so I could detach myself from other peoples opinions and get on with what I'm doing but at the cost of a narrow view and complete utter boredom. I've no personality left or anything that makes me stand out from the twig on the floor. Trying to be liked by everyone and being afraid to show who I was say 1 year ago and trying to discover the meaning of life has ripped apart any sense of belonging on this planet.

It's just how everyone wants the next new thing, they get it then they move onto a brand new car, they get it and move onto the new iphone etc. Conversation is conversation, where as I once thought it meant something its just peoples opinions from their own realities, its all useless. A bomb could go off a mile from where I live and I wouldn't feel anything, no "oh my god whats that" or any form of curiosity, I would simply just sit detached from it all.

What I'm trying to say is I've got a negative thinking process either that or I just view the world as a complete boring ball and I'm just a boring human being. I swear I never used to be like that but this isn't something I can get back, I've viewed the black whole of humanity and I can never forget it. It equals zero enthusiasm or motivation and in a world where they're probably the two most important traits to get by it seems like a pretty bleak future indeed.

It wouldn't be too bad if I had lived my life and I was at the age 70 or something but I'm 21 and I just don't know how I'm going to get by in life with a loser mentality like this. I want to be able to stare at the stars and wonder and be lost in a book like I used to, I want to have the motivation to tackle my anxieties and all the rest but I feel like it's all gone now.

I've thought about everything, from every single reaction in human interaction to well human interaction, I mean thats why we live to be with other people isn't it? Another big thing is why do people want to look good, who are they looking good for, what is the point of endless buying of clothes when its common knowledge that nobody gives a flying f about another persons appearance apart from their own.

I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do anymore, it's not like pop some pills down, its a thinking problem thats gone to the point of no return, hasn't it?

I need advice and this forum let me say has been a big help so I big thank you to everyone supporting people on here its really great to have a community like this. So any opinions on this please?

I think a big part of why we are all living and doing things and making lives as if it all means something is because we create meaning. To me this is not just an act of will, we have brains that, in order to not fall in despair like people with depression do, create a sense of meaning and motivation and optimism. You could say this is needed for survival because when we feel our lives and everything we do is/are meaningless we wouldn't go hunting etc. We'd probably be extinct or not as evolved as we are now.

To me, everything we feel is made possible by the way our brain functions, sometimes we feel perfectly fine other than the fact that all life and everything seems meaningless... Be it because of some sort of thoughtprocess or something we went through, our brains don't seem to create the feeling of meaningfulness as strongly as before.

In depression, this feeling of meaningfulness is often gone. When that is gone, nothing seems to have meaning and we start to ponder what is meaningfull to us and others. We most of the time come to the conclusion that there has to be some sort of goal for life, as survival or enjoyment, because without either of these there wouldn't be much. To us the point can't be suffering because we would simply end our lives. Something has to be worth it to stick around for.

When you aren't depressed your brain is able to create a sense of meaning that can be applied to anything. Some people don't think appearance is important, but find that sporting, being active is all that matters. But when you think about that, why would that be any more meaningful than appearance? It's not about what it is, it's about the fact that you're able to give meaning to the things you are doing. Nothing is really meaningfull in and of itself, it's the meaning we give to it.

So when we are depressed, things are happening in our brains (that we do not fully understand yet) that sometimes rob us from our sense of meaning, or the experience of pleasure (anhedonia), our appetite, and other functions that our brain regulates.

You're right, there is no pill for all of us that works. There are lucky ones that are really helped by this but for alot of people it doesn't work well, or at all. We may just have to try and find anything that makes us feel like it has some meaning. Maybe it's helping others or animals, trying to make the world a better place (this is what I feel is important). If I am here and feel like it's meaningless, the last thing I'd want is for this planet to be a ball of suffering, every person or living thing that experiences happiness or joy makes the world a better place to exist.

I understand that this feeling is very intrusive. Saying that you should just look for something that makes you feel like life has meaning is too easily said. But the fact is, that's the truth. Maybe you will find yourself in a better mental place in a while, take advantage of it and remember what you want. To find something that has meaning to you. Look anywhere, anytime.

Long reply.. hope it helped you some:)

Yokker wrote:I think a big part of why we are all living and doing things and making lives as if it all means something is because we create meaning. To me this is not just an act of will, we have brains that, in order to not fall in despair like people with depression do, create a sense of meaning and motivation and optimism. You could say this is needed for survival because when we feel our lives and everything we do is/are meaningless we wouldn't go hunting etc. We'd probably be extinct or not as evolved as we are now.

To me, everything we feel is made possible by the way our brain functions, sometimes we feel perfectly fine other than the fact that all life and everything seems meaningless... Be it because of some sort of thoughtprocess or something we went through, our brains don't seem to create the feeling of meaningfulness as strongly as before.

In depression, this feeling of meaningfulness is often gone. When that is gone, nothing seems to have meaning and we start to ponder what is meaningfull to us and others. We most of the time come to the conclusion that there has to be some sort of goal for life, as survival or enjoyment, because without either of these there wouldn't be much. To us the point can't be suffering because we would simply end our lives. Something has to be worth it to stick around for.

When you aren't depressed your brain is able to create a sense of meaning that can be applied to anything. Some people don't think appearance is important, but find that sporting, being active is all that matters. But when you think about that, why would that be any more meaningful than appearance? It's not about what it is, it's about the fact that you're able to give meaning to the things you are doing. Nothing is really meaningfull in and of itself, it's the meaning we give to it.

So when we are depressed, things are happening in our brains (that we do not fully understand yet) that sometimes rob us from our sense of meaning, or the experience of pleasure (anhedonia), our appetite, and other functions that our brain regulates.

You're right, there is no pill for all of us that works. There are lucky ones that are really helped by this but for alot of people it doesn't work well, or at all. We may just have to try and find anything that makes us feel like it has some meaning. Maybe it's helping others or animals, trying to make the world a better place (this is what I feel is important). If I am here and feel like it's meaningless, the last thing I'd want is for this planet to be a ball of suffering, every person or living thing that experiences happiness or joy makes the world a better place to exist.

I understand that this feeling is very intrusive. Saying that you should just look for something that makes you feel like life has meaning is too easily said. But the fact is, that's the truth. Maybe you will find yourself in a better mental place in a while, take advantage of it and remember what you want. To find something that has meaning to you. Look anywhere, anytime.

Long reply.. hope it helped you some:)

It has, thank you.

It just seems so difficult right now and I'm seem to be spending hours on the computer, putting together the "perfect" playlist but it to is to difficult because of I only have 16gb of memory. I would like to ask you, should I just quit this addiction, it helps me through the day sure but it doesn't help in the long run. It just seems difficult to let of an addiction that has you concentrating on something so that you forget everything else, where would you say my attention is best directed.

Do you think setting a schedule and getting up and going to sleep at normal times and trying to do normal things will help.

Thanks again.

Setting a schedule is almost always a helpful thing. We can make ourselves feel alot better by living healthily, like getting enough sleep at the right time, eating healthy, getting some excercise. These are the basics, feeling bad from lack of sleep and a bad diet is something we can change fairly easily in most cases.

Why are you feeling the need to focus all your attention om something specific? Are you anxious about dealing with the rest of the day? It's nice to have something to take your attention off of the bad things, and putting together a playlist is not a bad activity, it's not harmfull and if it brings you some relaxation or maybe some joy than it sounds like a good thing. Although I understand you are kind of doing it compulsively now? If you want to stop this addiction you call it, you might want to deal with the underlying issue that is causing you to feel the need to pre-occupy yourself with this playlist. If that is not clear to you maybe you could try and look for some professional help? If it makes you feel better you could set some small goals to help you get out of this playlist behaviour, like doing a chore, getting something to eat, making a healthy schedule for sleeping and eating, browsing for healthy recipes.

Music is a nice interest, it often makes me feel alot more than I would otherwise. Gives me a sense of meaningfulness or beauty or all kinds of feelings

Yokker wrote:Setting a schedule is almost always a helpful thing. We can make ourselves feel alot better by living healthily, like getting enough sleep at the right time, eating healthy, getting some excercise. These are the basics, feeling bad from lack of sleep and a bad diet is something we can change fairly easily in most cases.

Why are you feeling the need to focus all your attention om something specific? Are you anxious about dealing with the rest of the day? It's nice to have something to take your attention off of the bad things, and putting together a playlist is not a bad activity, it's not harmfull and if it brings you some relaxation or maybe some joy than it sounds like a good thing. Although I understand you are kind of doing it compulsively now? If you want to stop this addiction you call it, you might want to deal with the underlying issue that is causing you to feel the need to pre-occupy yourself with this playlist. If that is not clear to you maybe you could try and look for some professional help? If it makes you feel better you could set some small goals to help you get out of this playlist behaviour, like doing a chore, getting something to eat, making a healthy schedule for sleeping and eating, browsing for healthy recipes.

Music is a nice interest, it often makes me feel alot more than I would otherwise. Gives me a sense of meaningfulness or beauty or all kinds of feelings

I'm going try and set a schedule since you said that. Music does make things alright and it does help so I know its not the worst of addictions for sure. I do go overboard to the point were I'm pulling my hair out trying to sort everything out, none of this would of been a problem had I bought a bigger sized iPod.

When I'm not on the PC doing that I just get this big ball of emptiness in my insides that makes me depressed. There isn't really anything I enjoy doing other than this, if I can find a quirky/weird movie thats a bit different that all the mainstream movies then thats good.

I really like looking into the history of bands/artists so my knowledge in music has increased a lot. I like all the old stuff from Johnny Cash to Oasis and everything in between, so theres a lot of ground to cover and I can't really find any new artists I ain't heard but still trying.

Thanks yokker, mind if I ask you how long you feel depression has been with you?

Apart from it being such an addiction right now it's a neat skill to have. You're interested in music and you've made that your thing, you know alot about it, that's nice. I don't have anything that I can delve into that deep.

I really like Johnny Cash's When the man comes around, gotta put it on my playlist soon.

I've counted the years and have to say I've known the feeling that I associate with depression for 10 years now. It has chaged over the years, it's been worse and it's been better. The past two years it has subsided, I have some trouble regulating my emotions and still often feel depressed to a certain degree. But I am very functional these days so, I got that going for me

What about you? Have you been diagnosed with anything?

I feel exactly the same way about life as you do. Everything is tedium. Conversation is the worst. In a group dinner, when we start eating I just know someone's going to crack the "Suddenly everyone's quiet" joke, and the moment I hear it come out of their mouth it I just can't even... What pleasure do people derive from this meaningless crap, and why can't I feel it?

That all being said, this is where I think you're wrong:

"I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do anymore, it's not like pop some pills down, its a thinking problem thats gone to the point of no return, hasn't it?"


I can't truly accept that it's just the way I think despite the fact that it appears that way. Although that definitely seems logical, because you can rationalize why you feel the way you do, the fact of the matter is your brain chemistry LITERALLY changes your attitude, not just your supposed "mood". I was given proof of this when I tried adderall for the first time. For the first time I derived pleasure and bemusement from the trivial crap. Although my thoughts about that stuff didn't change, I was able to see the humor in how funny meaningless things are in the very fact that they are meaningless. It's not as if all of a sudden things mattered, it's more like all of a sudden it didn't matter to me whether or not things matter. My nihilism was retained and yet, I was happy. I enjoyed life. Unfortunately, adderall is not a good long term fix for depression, so I've opted out of doing adderall in general. But it gave me the information I needed to know that ITS POSSIBLE to feel happy even with my mindset. I just have to find a healthy way how.

the fact of the matter is your brain chemistry LITERALLY changes your attitude, not just your supposed "mood". I was given proof of this when I tried adderall for the first time. For the first time I derived pleasure and bemusement from the trivial crap. Although my thoughts about that stuff didn't change, I was able to see the humor in how funny meaningless things are in the very fact that they are meaningless.

I whish I could show this feeling to people. Like, if you have experienced how you can, in such a small amount of time,feel completely different even though nothing about your life has changed except for you brain chemistry, you will understand.

It made me feel like my depression was just a stupid imbalance as opposed to a deep dark and grim reality. If I can find a way to steer that balance in the right direction I will feel better.
Even though more factors are part of this, brainchemistry is all it takes to make us feel a certain way. Too bad we can´t control this as well as we need to with pills etc.