Stressed.

Lately, I've been feeling extremely depressed. I've been in a constant state of detachment and I don't know what it feels like to be happy anymore. All just feel is depressed, cynical, and detached. I take medicine for depression and psychosis but it feels like it doesn't work anymore. I've also been feeling intense amounts of self-hatred and I feel like I'm being crushed under stress. School is starting tomorrow and it's always been a somewhat stressful experience for me. While I know that they won't force me to do anything that I can't do, I still find school stressful because it makes me feel like I have to do 100% perfect on every single subject. While the people there don't tell me that, I feel like it's required for me to be perfect while I'm there. Along with that, I've been bullied for most of my life, though it seemed to stop for a few years after I entered first grade, though people kept teasing me from time to time. Last year, I found the bullying to start up again due to them finding out about my sexuality and my relationship status, which was with another girl. I am now out of that relationship and I identify as pansexual.

Along with that, several other things are stressing me out. I've been feeling more paranoid as usual. Along with that, I've been trying to figure my gender out which has been stressing me out. I've never been diagnosed with anything else, but I've been worried about my psychosis and my possible eating disorder. While I haven't had hallucinations or delusions in a few days, I've been trying to figure out what I have, and my paranoia isn't helping me either. I think that I might get tested for anything else by a psychiatrist in the fall, but waiting for it is making me impatient.

I know that these things aren't exactly important things to worry about, but they keep managing to make it to my mind and they end up bothering me. I'm not sure what to do about my depression and stress right now

They are important to you and that's all that matters. There is no objective importance scale.

You mention a psychiatrist, but have you undergone any sort of therapy? Either one on one or group? Also, you mention school so I will make an assumption you're quite young -- you have time to make some of the decisions you mention. (I wonder if your perfectionism isn't the main source of the stress, including the figuring out of your gender?)

I can relate to a lot of the issues you mention -- bullying, sexuality, trying to be 100% perfect... I don't really have good advice but I'm thinking of you and hoping that it will get easier.

Big hugs.

PS. This is how Scott Adams, author of Dilbert, deals with 100% perfect: http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilb ... pines.html

I have in the past, but she wouldn't tell my mother what was happening with me as I was self-harming at the time. I go to therapy once a week which is at a farm where we learn how to take care of horses and learn about how they react to negative feelings. They haven't brought anything up about mental illness yet, which has been bothering me. I see a psychiatrist sometime in September or later this year to be tested for another disorder or something because they want to find out what's causing my psychosis. I believe that it may be bipolar disorder with psychotic effects. Yes, I am still pretty young.

It's alright. I'll check out the link later because I need to sleep. Thank you.

I have to say the therapy with horses sounds interesting... but also quite general. I might be wrong though, since I haven't exactly joined it myself.

Hope you slept well and that you enjoy the link funny as it sounds, I found it life-changing.

I found the link pretty interesting to read. I liked it. I'll try to keep his words in my mind next time I feel like I have to be perfect or something like that. Thanks for showing it to me.

As for therapy, it is pretty interesting but sometimes it can be a little tiring because we have to travel on foot for the most part but it doesn't bother me that much. I wish that we could talk more about mental illness, though.