I'm so lonely

I deal with a lot more than just "depression" (OCD, anxiety, probably Borderline I think, and possibly bipolar) but I'm posting here because I don't know where else to post. Lately, it only takes me a matter of hours to spontaneously swing back and forth between being reasonably happy and being in a dark prison. Like a few minutes ago, I woke up this morning feeling like I could easily deal with it all, and now I've suddenly submerged again. I'm 25 and I've never even kissed a girl. I'm so goddamn lonely but I'm terrified of getting emotionally close to a girl; I don't know for sure what all the exact reasons are but I feel it has a lot to do with my childhood experience with an emotionally and verbally abusive mother, and a father who I could tell had good intentions (and who is still one of my best friends) but never had nothing to tell me except "Your mom knows what she's doing." I feel so alienated by society's pressures and stigmas; they just add insult to injury. I think that I feel a lot like Elliot Rodgers probably felt, minus the materialism -- I'd trade everything I have for an ounce of goddamn companionship, if there were only some way. When I get in this mood, *nothing* helps -- activities that usually take my mind off everything else are colored and become sad, fake, pretend distractions. Every time someone tells me about their sexual adventures it feels like the world is just hanging it over my head that I can't have that, and every night I practically cry myself to sleep feels like the universe never tiring of watching me in misery.

Two things happened recently that *may* have contributed to this sinking -- a few weeks ago I suddenly decided (among other explosions of what must have looked from the outside like random activity) to stop taking all my medication, including both lots of medications for Crohn's disease and also 50mg of Zoloft. I've been doing okay both physically and mentally, but lately I'm kinda freaking out so I called in a refill for the Zoloft and I'm supposed to pick it up today. However, I also haven't seen my therapist of a year and a half for almost a month -- maybe that has something to do with it, but I hate to think of myself as being *that* dependent on another person for my own happiness. And if I hear another person tell me "You're just making this hard on yourself, just change your outlook and be positive instead" I'm going to ######6 scream. I'm sure some of you can relate...I just don't know what to do anymore besides trying popping some more pills.

The only effective thing I've found to help with my personal loneliness is talking to someone that shares mutual feelings. It became a real challenge to express my feelings to someone, because I saw everyone holding a knife. Just ready to stab me in the back. I was waiting to find someone who wasn't walking away. To do anything I had to force myself to do it. Only having a limited opening, before I crash again. I started to gain more motivation as something I tried so hard for before, was drifting away. It got easier to motivate myself, to force myself. It's so easy to say "just find people", but when your looking for a certain type or characteristic. Its like a needle in a hay stack. That is what abuse does to someone. They look for something they never had. It feels better just to tell someone, because what you may really want is comfort and security (hint* therapist). It takes perseverance to find it. It will hurt like a *****, and you can start with your parents. Get out the pain from your past. Just cry it out. Removing stress will help too. Bottled emotions cause more stress. As far as pills go, I feel they don't help everyone. But if you are suppose to take them, I have no right to tell you not to. And for you to do well off them takes mental strength. Oh and online dating could work well for you. When ever you feel ready to do so. In case you are more demisexual which is why you might struggle finding someone. Just throwing in possibilities, because I don't know what you have tried. Best wishes.

Thanks so much for your reply, Witchie. I know how hard it can be to want to entertain and support someone as negative as I can be sometimes (but I guess that's why we have psychforums.com...for us sadsacks to be together? )

The only effective thing I've found to help with my personal loneliness is talking to someone that shares mutual feelings.

Yeah, it's similar for me. I wouldn't say that's the *only* thing but it sure helps. But on the other hand, what I really want is to be "normal" and to be able to talk to the other 98% without them running away screaming.

It feels better just to tell someone, because what you may really want is comfort and security (hint* therapist).

Yeah, I know. I've been seeing a therapist for a year and a half. She's wonderful and I adore her. But I haven't been able to see her lately because she's been out of town for a month, and I also have really strong negative feelings about having my happiness depend so much on another person.

It takes perseverance to find it. It will hurt like a *****, and you can start with your parents. Get out the pain from your past. Just cry it out.

Yeah, I've done that. Neither of my parents fully acknowledges that there were serious problems in our household when I was a child. For the most part it was a "happy home," as far as they are concerned. Well, I sure wasn't happy!

And for you to do well off them takes mental strength.

Thank you very much but I was only off it for a month, maybe a month and a half. I tend to assume that it just "finally caught up."

Oh and online dating could work well for you. When ever you feel ready to do so. In case you are more demisexual which is why you might struggle finding someone. Just throwing in possibilities, because I don't know what you have tried. Best wishes.

I've tried that, but I'm terrified of relationships because of at least two things, 1) I'm extremely insecure about my lack of sexual experience, and 2) I worry that my dark mind would end up being a horrible burden on my relationship with a girl :\ I've tried OKCupid, POF, even threw some money at Match.com, only to find that I'm never any less afraid of trying to pursue somebody. Not demisexual at all, I masturbate frequently (when I'm in one of my less terrible moods, at least), sometimes even obsessively, to images of women. It's the emotional component that's an issue for me. I guess that's what sex dolls are for! But I *want* to have a relationship with a real person, I'm just ######6 horrified of it. :'(

Well I typed an entire response, and it logged me out. -_-" So I am going to rewrite this again...

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote:Thanks so much for your reply, Witchie. I know how hard it can be to want to entertain and support someone as negative as I can be sometimes (but I guess that's why we have psychforums.com...for us sadsacks to be together? )

I believe this site is used for venting and relating rather than a "solution". Most people are capable of that on their own. Therefore it wasn't hard. There is nothing wrong with negativity.

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote:Yeah, it's similar for me. I wouldn't say that's the *only* thing but it sure helps. But on the other hand, what I really want is to be "normal" and to be able to talk to the other 98% without them running away screaming.

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote:I also have really strong negative feelings about having my happiness depend so much on another person.

I used witchcraft to suppress mine. I think you can be normal. It is possible that you might relate with "reactive attachment disorder" check it out if you haven't. It is caused by multiple care givers, and child neglect and abuse. Some symptoms include false independence, looking for other peoples approval, lack of empathy, etc. Your loneliness seems to be caused by trust issues, because you want people to know you.

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote:I've tried that, but I'm terrified of relationships because of at least two things, 1) I'm extremely insecure about my lack of sexual experience, and 2) I worry that my dark mind would end up being a horrible burden on my relationship with a girl :\ I've tried OKCupid, POF, even threw some money at Match.com, only to find that I'm never any less afraid of trying to pursue somebody. Not demisexual at all, I masturbate frequently (when I'm in one of my less terrible moods, at least), sometimes even obsessively, to images of women. It's the emotional component that's an issue for me. I guess that's what sex dolls are for! But I *want* to have a relationship with a real person, I'm just ######6 horrified of it. :'(

Everyone has to start somewhere. I read a story about a guy that started with prostitutes. Some women will hate a "dark mind". Others if shown appreciation wont mind. In fact with many it will strengthen your bond with them. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise can't comfort nor understand your situation. Everybody has a struggle asking people out for the first time. You just have to find a way to hide the sweat, and stutter through it. Lonely people hate this answer, but everybody has to try at something. You weren't employed, because you look good standing around. But before then you need to love yourself. And for knowledge's sake you can be demisexual and masterbate. Best Wishes.

Well I typed an entire response, and it logged me out. -_-" So I am going to rewrite this again...

Ouch, gotta love that.

I used witchcraft to suppress mine.

To suppress your what? I am very interested and curious about this.

It is possible that you might relate with "reactive attachment disorder" check it out if you haven't.

Interesting. I've read a little bit about it and it doesn't really seem to resonate with me, especially the part about not wanting to look for support/comfort. I *always* wanted my mommy!

Everyone has to start somewhere. I read a story about a guy that started with prostitutes. Some women will hate a "dark mind". Others if shown appreciation wont mind. In fact with many it will strengthen your bond with them. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise can't comfort nor understand your situation. Everybody has a struggle asking people out for the first time. You just have to find a way to hide the sweat, and stutter through it. Lonely people hate this answer, but everybody has to try at something. You weren't employed, because you look good standing around. But before then you need to love yourself.

Yeah, I've thought about going to a prostitute just to get laid, but that wouldn't solve the problem of my loneliness in the end. Also, it's not really asking someone out that I'm afraid of -- I've done that before. It's the possibility of running into big problems down the road in a long-term relationship...I know, I know, I shouldn't be thinking that far ahead.

And for knowledge's sake you can be demisexual and masterbate. Best Wishes.

Sorry if it sounded like I was implying otherwise. Basically what I was getting at was that I am turned on by female bodies.

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote:To suppress your what?

Depression. I feel like this isn't the place to be spiritual though. Gotta have logic to fit in. So you can send me a way to contact you through PM. (Within the rules of course) And I will explain.

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote: Also, it's not really asking someone out that I'm afraid of -- I've done that before. It's the possibility of running into big problems down the road in a long-term relationship...I know, I know, I shouldn't be thinking that far ahead.

Well obviously your not giving yourself much credit. You clearly have some game. Personally you should be thinking ahead. Gotta catch the signs of a psycho. In addition think of your lack of experience as passing the major STI years of your life. And from your responses. I'd say you're pretty damn close to normal. I don't see why you're worried. Whatever you have gone through has to be pretty subconscious to be this hidden. But out of curiosity what are the long term problems?

You could use tarot cards to answer your questions about long term problems. All you have to do is think of the question when using them. If you don't want to get a deck look for "facade tarot" through Google. (I dunno if a link is tolerated.)It is the only site that does reversals. And use "biddy tarot" to translate them accurately. It will give you a better idea of how decisions will effect you. If you do get a deck the dragon spread is amazing for that.

But I don't want to force spiritual things down your throat, just think it is of comfort. Best wishes.

Depression. I feel like this isn't the place to be spiritual though. Gotta have logic to fit in. So you can send me a way to contact you through PM. (Within the rules of course) And I will explain.

What about the forum's PM feature?

Well obviously your not giving yourself much credit. You clearly have some game. Personally you should be thinking ahead. Gotta catch the signs of a psycho. In addition think of your lack of experience as passing the major STI years of your life. And from your responses. I'd say you're pretty damn close to normal. I don't see why you're worried. Whatever you have gone through has to be pretty subconscious to be this hidden. But out of curiosity what are the long term problems?

Well, I think time has helped me to improve, but yes, there's a lot of stuff buried deep in my mind that comes back to haunt me. I don't know what the long term problems are beyond me being insecure, afraid, and feeling guilty for consuming too much of a loved one's time.

GorstTheFriendlyFRPL wrote:Well, I think time has helped me to improve, but yes, there's a lot of stuff buried deep in my mind that comes back to haunt me. I don't know what the long term problems are beyond me being insecure, afraid, and feeling guilty for consuming too much of a loved one's time.

The only thing that will kill your relationship is insecurities, and fears that take over the moment. As long as you don't push someone away, because of insecurities and fears. You wont have a problem. When you realize you are worth something. You wont feel the guilt. You will be able to enjoy everything knowing its real. When you find the right person a lot of the bad things will fade away.

I think you should just be yourself. Just don't doubt a person's word unless they give you a reason not to. In addition like I stated before if you show appreciation. She wont notice if you don't take her for granted, and your emotions don't get in the way of special moments. I mean that is the number one complaint women who support men financially make. And money puts about as much strain as emotions maybe more.

Sadly, I don't know what to tell you about haunting thoughts. I think the only way people survive them is to block them out, and remove emotions. Best wishes.