depressed/detached from everything, need some advice

I apologise for another depressing post, i've tried to find my way in life recently, tried to figure things out and i've got nowhere. i really can't think of anyone to talk to about it, i'm going to see if i can get put on a waiting list for counselling/therapy in september and then i guess i can bleed my heart out there and see what the best course of action is.

i've never felt like i do nowadays, life's always been exciting, i always looked upon my mental health as a challenge but i always had dreams intact. i now feel my dreams are impossible now which were to write fiction stories but i don't think i'll ever ever be able to get back to how my creativity was. i feel like my personality has been completely stripped from me now, i'm boring and i find life boring, i find everything and everyone predictable and no longer enjoy playing games or getting lost in a book, i over-anaylze everything now to a point were it's automatic.

i believe that i've discovered an extremely bad thought process in which i know when i'm attracting negative enegry and when i'm attracting positive energy. if i walk down the street, i'm aware of this and it all goes back to that precdictablity. i feel vunerlable and that i have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and energies so that i don't attract unwanted attention from the outside world and everyone in it.

i just download music that's all i can do in order to keep my focus away from this horrible depression thats looking like its here to stay. i really do feel like i have no personality anymore and that i'm closer to a robot than a human in how i think and view life. i don't know how i can get back to how i was and i 99 per cent feel like i'm going to be stuck like this. i've thought too much, i've ingrained these beliefs and thinking patterns and it's all cemented in me now.

going back to my past hobbies and my real dreams of writing stories and getting into the heads of other people and creating things like that, the fact that i no longer see a point in life and that i can't create a story and really live it because my mind will take it away as soon as i can into it. the only time i'm truly happy is when i'm having a dream even if its a nightmare, it's truly special i feel very alive and my analysing mind isn't a part of my dreams, they feel real and i'm there in the moment. then i wake up and theres abosuletly nothing, just plain black and white life. i just feel like my destiny in life is gone.

going back to the predictablity, it's just so difficult when i leave the house, its no longer a case of putting in the effort with people, its cemented in how they're going to respond to me by how confident (good energies) i'm creating. i don't want to carry on like this for 50 years, there would be no point. i can understand other peoples enjoyment in life but now i just get angry at it all.


i guess something i want to bring up and hear some opinions on is, you've got a depression on a feeling basis but what about a depression caused by thinking if that makes sense. i mean i know depression in general is caused by negative thinking but what about if you've gone past that and now it's a self-conscious depression, you think depressivsely automaticly, it's not a case of thinking "i don't know why i'm depressed, i'm just down a lot of the time" its more now a case of just seeing the world from my eyes and my mind and being so self-consciously aware of your thoughts and how it feels impossible to get back to a normal thinking mind.

it just feels cold all the time, in a bad way, like how peolpe mention someone is cold and without emotion, thats how it feels now. it's impossible for me to care about anything anymore, i simply do not, i no longer fear death though of course if it were to happen is would be terryfying but i don't think i fear the sense of just emptyiness forever. in terms of suicide that is an impossiblity at this time in my life because a close relative has been going through cancer on and off for nearly 4 years now and so you can understand.

i think my goals right now are to get a full time job, get enough money to leave my parents house and be independent for how many months/years and at least then any decision i make is done on an independent state of mind.

do you think i should concentrate on that goal for the time being and stop trying to overcome whatever the hell it is i have.

i appreciate every single comment so would really like it if you give me any advice on what i've said. i'm sorry if its sort of the same of what i've posted the past 2 months but like i said i keep reaching points were i just need to talk about it instead of holding it all in to myself, i need that outside opinion that isn't from a relative really.

thank you!

Hi there, the truth about depression is that IT IS debilitating, de-motivating and emoitonally numbing, it can impact you to the point where you don't care about anything anymore, lose your desire to live/experience pleasure and these automatic sad thoughts that you have, occur all the time in depression... Depression is all of these things, it takes over all of our thoughts, and becomes one with our personality, to the point where it is all that we know. It is a true disease.

I wish you good luck with your goals; your job search, leaving your parents house, however I would caution you, that before you do these things or try to, it is very important to deal with your depression, as it can likely hold you back and interfere with you achieving your goals.

An approach called Cognitive behavioral therapy can teach you how to manage these "Automatic negative thoughts" you speek of and help teach you to manage/control them & convert them into more realistic or positive ways of thinking. This can grately enhance your mood and reduce your depression. Perhaps, when you start therapy, this might be an approach your therapist would work on with you.

Good luck!
-Dan

Can you think back to when things were exciting for you? What was exciting? Why was it exciting? What did you do that excited you. Sorry if that's redundant.

I ask because I was wondering if you thought of those things, what you did and how you felt, maybe it will light a little spark inside that you can build on.

Maybe try to write about times when you were happier and the good moments you had in the past.

How close are you to the family member who has cancer? Not trying to be nosey but what kind of cancer are they fighting? My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She had to have about a foot or half a foot of her colon removed. Prognosis was grim and she beat it. It took 7-8 years but she beat it. It wasn't easy by any means.

I agree with Dan about CBT. It is very effective, but you do have to work at it and do your homework they give you.

I was hospitalized several times about 2 years ago because I kept desperately trying to escape my darkness, the pain that comes with depression. I had to do intensive out patient programs that were lame. I was so negative and kept saying negative things that they made me wear a rubber band on my wrist. Each time I had a negative thought or said something negative, I was to snap the rubber band on my wrist.

It seems archaic to me and it didn't work for me. I just ended up bruising my wrist and arm really bad. That was because I am prone to SI so it was pleasurable to feel the pain and didn't stop the thoughts. But that's me. I have heard other people say it worked for them very well. So maybe that would help? I don't know. Feel kind of squirrely thinking about it.

Dan is right about how all consuming depression be. It clouds every thing, thought, feelings, perception, physically. Just everything.

If you have a pet, pet them because when you do your body releases oxytocin which is basically a "feel good" hormone. The pet also gets a dose of it too. (Saw a documentary on it where they researched it scientifically).

Hope some of what I said helps out some. And I truly hope you feel better soon.