Intro to me

I'm 20 years old, male, but i feel like the time has flown by, last time i remember i was 16 going to school and just enjoying life with friends.
I started smoking cannabis pretty young, now that i look back i mostly did it to be cool because i didn't even like being high. I was about 16 almost 17 and started getting real bad acne and some guys treated me a bit differently, i was good looking but the acne gave them a reason to be kinda mean. I felt a VERY light deppression coming on, just a slight feeling in my chest like it was empty.
Went to school the next year and i live in europe, the classes were in a different language, now i speak the language and understand it but not as good as someone who's native so at times i felt alianated.
Usually they loved me because i was american and could help them with their english and tell jokes in english but i went to about three schools and the last one they were a bit less friendly.
I started smoking cannabis by myself, in my room, alone.
I would buy it by myself and smoke it by myself. After awhile i would have breakdowns while alone and high it kept getting worse and worse until it was just to much.
I didn't leave the house to see my friends, i was paranoid anxious and was very deppressed, i quit smoking and threw out all my weed and everything.
But it's been along time since then and it hasn't gotten better i have been in the hospital now and am at the end of my treatment, tried ALOT of medication and they want me to get better by dessensitising myself to the outside more which i have been doing a bit. I do have some small improvements but i still feel horrible most of the time this is what it's like :


I have anxiety when i have to meet up with people or talk to people even when i'm meeting up with people i've known for awhile! i just feel nervous and my heart starts beating

I feel my cognitive abilities have declined, remembering things is hard, paying attention is hard, following a conversation, thinking through problems and problem solving. Even had an IQ test done and they said it's lower than average now, before my IQ was above average.

I have derealization, at times something doesn't feel real or the room feels strange, i look at my surroundings and can't feel comfortable in them because i kind of almost feel like i am still high on cannabis which makes everything take on a different shape sort of. This also makes it hard for me to interact with my enviornment.

My mood is often somber, i don't smile much, i'm not as expressive and naturally enthousiastic as i used to be. I'm not enthousiastic to go see a friend that i like, a girl that i like or to do some activity that sounds fun.

My personality has become someone who is more nervous, non enthousiastic i guess more of a drag to be around because i'm always bored and don't enjoy doing things. I can come off as more stuck up and arrogant even though really i'm just quiet, insecure, and don't read social signals well. People have told me "You never talk!" because i am alot more quiet than before and i just never have anything to say, i feel locked up and restricted and i don't have many thoughts going around in my head it's like i forgot how to function normally and feel normal.

Sexually i have always been straight 100 percent, but when i went through this stuff, the first time i decided to masturbate, i was feeling awkward and uncomfortable and weird and i saw the girl on the screen and i tried and it worked but it was way harder than before that gut level attraction that i felt for an attractive girl was gone and i tried doing it more wanting to get it back and i tried doing it less to see if that worked and still till this day i feel very little strong attraction to a sexy girl i see, way to little to actually have good sex with her i think. I'm dull to the feeling of being attracted to girls, im not gay, i just don't feel attraction like i used to.

So these things are what i am feeling and when i feel just a little bit of improvement the derealization messes with me, i don't feel like i'm in reality it freaks me out when i'm talking to somebody or if i had a good day i come home to my room and i feel WEIRD. I feel locked in a prison, inside a bubble, the high feeling, and i just think i don't know if i can do it tommorow which makes me anxious and makes the next day not go smooth, thats how most days are.

SO, this is long, i'm sorry. I would appreciate any solid advice that would really help, a step to take a plan of action something like that. Also maybe anyone who has had a similar experience who has gotten through it or has gotten alot better. Thanks to the people who read this and respond :]