so many variables

Hey,
I'm new here, Just created an account to see if I can get some help making decisions.
I'm depressed. I assume everyone here understands the symptoms; and I have most. Thoughts of suicide are a daily occurrence, but I doubt I would be able to act on it. Instead of trying to explain what I'm going through, I'll try to keep it simple. I've taken multiple "internet tests" that all provide strong feedback that I may have severe depression, and should get a professional assessment.

This may be the biggest decision so far in my life... I'm a 20 year old guy, Just out of college, and returning for a second program in the fall. I graduated from police foundations, have worked for two security companies; anywhere from hospitals to events, and am currently employed as a loss prevention investigator. I am a volunteer child sexual abuse facilitator, and the president of a committee that addresses bullying.
My second program is a degree in criminal justice.

As you can probably tell, I have the goal of becoming a police officer, and I've had this goal since highschool. I have based all of my decisions around this career goal.

I really want to get help, but If I do, I will get a huge 'blackmark' on my profile pretty much destroying any hope of my dream job.
I can only assume this would make things worse.

Anyways, I guess I'll wrap it up, and see what some other peoples' opinions are.
Thank you for reading.

Hey AJP, be welcome!

Don't worry too much about fitting the exact description for depression, you know it when you feel it.
And i'm sorry you're having these thoughts of suicide, you sound like a great person with great goals, but I understand that's what depression does to you. Do you have any idea why you have become this depressed?

Where I'm from nobody can know (without my consent) about my mental health. Teatmeant can be anonymous. Maybe it's different when you want to be a police officer. But isn't there anyone you can see, outside of work, that you could talk to? Maybe no one needs to know?

Don't forget that you need to take care of yourself, if your condition get worse you might also miss out on your chance to become a police officer.

Hello,

this is a difficult one indeed. On one hand, I understand your worries. Even if you manage to keep treatment anonymous, at some point you might be asked in writing "do you have any mental problems?" and be forced either to lie or to lose your chances with your dream job. On the other lies the possibility of suicide -- which is made way easier by being a police officer with access to weapons. Also you might end up hurting other people when having untreated depression.

Personally I would get assessed by a professional and get treatment ASAP. This is for a few reasons:
-- to avoid an actual suicide attempt (which, worse, might "succeed")
-- to avoid hurting other people
-- because depression, unlike many MIs, doesn't need to be permanent, and with help of medication and/or therapy you may overcome it and never see its ugly face again

That's my 2 cents. Big hugs, and I hope you see your dream come true.