My mother called me a monster.

Hello. I have PDD-NOS, depression, anxiety, and I also suffer from hallucinations and delusions among other things though I've never been officially diagnosed with anything yet. However, I do think that I may have either psychotic depression, bipolar disorder with psychotic effects, paranoid/schizoid personal disorder or a mild form of a psychotic disorder. I also believe that I may have an eating disorder.

Lately, I've been noticing that I'm constantly in a state of detachment and at times, depression. But something that happened yesterday seems to have made these feelings worse. And if you guessed what happened by reading the title, you're correct. I will now proceed to talk about what had happened.

Yesterday when I was waking up, I was getting annoyed by my dad who kept coming into my room every five minutes telling me to wake up for my therapy (which is at a farm). Eventually when I got up, I tried to put on my clothes while I was still in a sleepy stupor. I felt like I could barely see because everything seemed so bright around me. My mother then came in and kept rushing me to put on my clothes and get ready. While doing so, my anxiety started to get worse and I started getting really stressed by her trying to rush me. And while I was doing so, she decided to call me a monster.

Overall, I'm very shocked by this, but at the same time I believe that I deserve it because of the things I do and the things that have happened to me. I believe that I deserve to be called a monster. Right now, I don't even know what to do anymore.

I can imagine that way you feel when your mother called you that. And please, hold on to the feeling of being shocked rather than having deserved it. I find it very unkind of your mother and you did not deserve it. Words like that should not be thrown around.

I remember suffering from depression and anxiety when I still lived at home, this was the worst for me. I'm glad to finally be on my own, the peace it brought me is wonderfull, though I know moving out is not an option for everyone.

Ofcourse having you mother call you that makes you feel worse, your own mother is calling you names. Anyone would feel bad of that happened to them, so you are completely normal . It doesn't feel nice though. Do you get along with your parents generally? Maybe it would make you feel better to talk to her about it? Maybe she was very stressed herself because she is so worried about you. Some people cannot express these worries in a caring way.

Good luck with your therapy!

Hi, Yokker. Thank you for replying to this.

I'll try to do that. I'm still pretty shocked about her saying that to me but I still think I deserve it to be thrown at me. I'm glad to hear that moving away from other people brought you peace. When I'm able to move out of the house, that's most likely my plan when I'm able to move.

Agreed. I still don't feel too normal because of the things that happen to me. I have mood swings and I hear and see things others can't. Only one person at my school knows this and most of my online friends know about it. I also believe that I may be suffering from some type of eating disorder. I find that these things are taking over my life. I only know a few people in real life that have mental disorders, but they're things like anxiety, depression, Asperger's. I have PDD-NOS, anxiety, depression, psychosis, mood swings, and possible anorexia/bulimia. My current doctor and my dad think I have bipolar disorder with psychotic effects and I know a lot of people online that have similar disorders to mine. My mom thinks I'm suffering from very low self-esteem, but I think it's an eating disorder. I'm trying to stay strong but it feels so bad because I feel like I have no one in real life to connect with and I know that I may have to be separated from my online friends for a little bit because of my grandmother. She doesn't like it when I stay inside all day and such.

Okay, whoa. Sorry for the block of text. But okay, I'm going to get back on topic now. Sorry for that. ^^"

I do get along with my parents, but I don't like being around them. My dad tells me he loves me constantly but I feel nothing in return for him. And as for my mom, we get along okay despite the fact that she calls me names and shames me about things. My dad keeps telling me about her different personality but I still find myself harboring dislike for her. We rarely hug or show each other any mother/daughter affection and I hate talking to her and many other people in real life because of the awkwardness and because of my autism spectrum disorder.

Thank you!

Hi Aeli,

Good to hear you do have a decent relationship with you parents, and how sweet of your father to tell you he loves you every day! I've neve heard it from my father ever, I know he loves me but he's not the type that says it out loud.

I understand you not feeling normal, you have quite a bit to deal with you know! Sad to hear you think you have an eating disorder, that must be hard. I understand that having no one in real life to connect with is hard, I sometimes feel the same way. But that's why I went t this forum, to be able to talk to people about it who can relate. Btw I don't mind going off topic, let's just talk about what we wanna talk about

I have/had a difficult relationship with my mother as well. Maybe sometimes it's hard for mothers to understand because they have som much feelings about it themselves. We didn't hug, or really talk about anything really.

Not siding with you mother here but, alot of mental ilness comes from, and is worsened by low self-esteem. Thinking you're not good enough, stressing about that. Alot of that can be sub-concious. I mean, you probably recognize the fact that you do have low self-esteem right?

Yeah. Apart from my mother calling me names and guilting me, at least my family is somewhat decent. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. At least you know that he loves you and that he never says anything of the opposite.

It is pretty difficult. I don't like talking with other people at therapy and when I was at the psychiatric hospital, I also barely talked to anyone else except for the staff and some of the other people there. I wasn't able to find out a lot about the things other people at the psychiatric hospital and at therapy had but I remember that most of them had things like depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc. And my reason for joining this site is the same reason as yours. c:

Another thing I remember is that one time my mother and I were arguing and when I said, "I hate you!", she said the same thing back at me. I also remember a lot of other horrible things that she's said and done to me. But apart from me being mad at her, I sometimes wonder if all the things that she's ever said to me weren't real. Ever since I was young, I would suffer from hallucinations and I remember that one case where she insulted me, when I confronted her about it, she said that she never said it.

Don't worry, you don't sound like you're siding with my mom. But yes, I do have very low self-esteem. If someone compliments me, I'll feel good about it for a few seconds but when I try to remember it to make myself feel better, it won't work on me. And I do agree with that, about how self-esteem and such can make mental illnesses develop or worsen.

Im sorry you were called names. Many normies do not understand mental illness. They have no idea or care about the effect there insensitive attitudes can have on real people with real problems. Most of these people are trained to work and not much more! Being human is not their specialty.

I agree OMNICELL, people who have not suffered from mental illness, generally speaking just don't understand.

Must be hard not being sure wether or not certain things have been said, even more so because they were really hurtfull. I recognise some of the things you write about you and your mother. It sounds like she just does not get it. I remember a time when I was at home, had been depressed for a while and because of that not really a joy to be around. My mother would say that I had become a horrible person.
She wouldn't ask how I was, or how I was feeling. Later in life we reconnected and I understand that she is just not capable of understanding this. Which saddens me, especially when I see other people who have such warm and understanding relationships with their mother. I will never fully have that.
But I do know she loves me, and the dumb things she does and says are because of he incapacity to understand.

I think it's good that you confronted her about having said that, it opens a dialogue and talking is always good, especially with your mom. Sometimes we, even when we have so many troubles, have to be the bigger person and help our parents understand.

You sound like an intelligent person I hope you maybe can talk to your mom about this as well, maybe it will make you feel better.

OMNICELL wrote:Im sorry you were called names. Many normies do not understand mental illness. They have no idea or care about the effect there insensitive attitudes can have on real people with real problems. Most of these people are trained to work and not much more! Being human is not their specialty.

Hello, Omnicell. Thank you for replying. I agree with you on that. However, I'd like to note that my mother also isn't exactly a "normie". She has depression and she takes many medications for this along with diabetes pills and such. Another thing I wanted to note is that she previously used to see things when she was around my age. That's one thing that we have in common, except the hallucinations/psychosis that I've been getting have lasted nearly my whole life. But thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it, same with you too, Yokker.

Yokker wrote:I agree OMNICELL, people who have not suffered from mental illness, generally speaking just don't understand.

Must be hard not being sure wether or not certain things have been said, even more so because they were really hurtfull. I recognise some of the things you write about you and your mother. It sounds like she just does not get it. I remember a time when I was at home, had been depressed for a while and because of that not really a joy to be around. My mother would say that I had become a horrible person.
She wouldn't ask how I was, or how I was feeling. Later in life we reconnected and I understand that she is just not capable of understanding this. Which saddens me, especially when I see other people who have such warm and understanding relationships with their mother. I will never fully have that.
But I do know she loves me, and the dumb things she does and says are because of he incapacity to understand.

I think it's good that you confronted her about having said that, it opens a dialogue and talking is always good, especially with your mom. Sometimes we, even when we have so many troubles, have to be the bigger person and help our parents understand.

You sound like an intelligent person I hope you maybe can talk to your mom about this as well, maybe it will make you feel better.

It really is. It's really confusing and it often brings stress to me whenever I try to figure out whether something happened or not. I try not to think about it a lot when it happens because sometimes it will literally make my head hurt when I'm trying to debate whether or not something that happened to me in the past was a hallucination or not.

Like I said above, my mother actually used to have hallucinations when she was my age. She also has depression and many physical health problems, including diabetes. The things that your mother would do, my mother does as well. She seems to ask me how I am at some points and such, but I find that when I try describing feeling detached or something, she might pressure me to explain it and such, which is already bad enough with me having anxiety, a monotone voice and some stuttering, and an autism spectrum disorder.

I also agree with you on that. I still manage to find myself helping them with things even when I already hate being in social situations. And thank you! I'll try to do that sometime soon.

Another thing that I want to note, is that I kind of feel bad for my mom even after she called me a monster and everything. I guess that I still love her somehow after everything that she's done. Isn't that werird?

I think most people with mental illness often feel guilty. That it, they feel it when they shouldn't have to. I guess it has to do with low self-esteem you know? Thinking you are the one that always is in the wrong.

Well it sounds like your mother also has a hard time with the depression and all. I guess that makes it more understandable that she's not always too considerate of you. You're both in a difficult place, try to not be to hard on eachother until you've had some help, or can leave the house.
Under the same roof you just get on eachothers nerves I think.

And don't worry, underneath all of this you guys actually love eachother very much, that's why it's so hard now. You won't stop loving you mother eve after she calls you all the names in the book. I hope that doesn't happen though!

I think that may be the case, too. I still don't understand that if she's guilty of something, why does she proceed to call me names and such? It makes no sense to me.

I agree. I still feel bad for her, even after all the things that she's done to me. Maybe sometime soon I'll check on her to see if she's feeling alright. Like you said, maybe when I feel better, we can go out to eat at a restaurant or do something she likes.

I also agree with you. Though I may get bothered or annoyed by her, I can't bring myself to hate her. I don't hope it happens either.