If my depression never goes away...

I am now having chronic depression and this is how I feel about it. What I'm about to say here is a personal belief I have and no amount of reasoning can convince me otherwise (though you are free to try anyway). I feel that who I am as a person means nothing. The only thing that matters is my pleasure. This is because without pleasure, then how you would feel about yourself would be absolutely nothing and you would be nothing more than a mere emotionless robot regardless of who you are as a person or great things you do in life. Therefore, this is the reason why pleasure is the only thing that matters in this case. Others may value you, but the fact of the matter is that you are completely dead inside and are nothing more than a mere emotionless robot if you didn't have pleasure. I would gladly sacrifice who I am as a person in becoming someone different (even a psychopath) if it meant having all the pleasure in the world and no depression.

I feel that pleasure is the only thing that makes me superior (for myself) and is the one and only true thing that defines me as a human being because, again, without pleasure, I would be nothing more than a mere emotionless robot. But since I have depression which has taken away some of my pleasure, that makes me less of a person. I feel that people who have all the pleasure in the world (even if they are cruel and harm others), that makes these people better than me just from the simple fact that they have more pleasure. They may lack empathy, but they still have all the pleasure in the world.

I feel what makes me superior (again, for myself) is having no depression in my life. If I were to be superior to suffering and life's struggles, then that means I wouldn't even have to deal with them in the first place. Or if I do, then I would completely overcome them. Otherwise, if I don't overcome them, then I will never be superior to my problems.

Therefore, if I were to have depression in my life that I can never overcome, if I wish to be superior, then I should choose to end my life because ending my life would completely overcome the problem of depression. Otherwise, I would forever be bound to being an inferior human being by my own depression.

Therefore, since I am chronically depressed right now, if there is no way of it going away completely, me choosing to end my life would give me the last laugh because I now know that I am superior to my own depression and suffering by choosing to overcome these things through death. I wish to dictate my own life and have no problems in life dictating how I feel (this would obviously include the problem of depression). So me choosing to die would give me this power and make me superior.

I am an atheist and I realize that this is the one and only life and that there is no God or afterlife. Therefore, since this is the one and only life, that is why I wish for it to be a perfect fantasy world (just in terms of my pleasure). Therefore, if it can't be that way, then I will gladly end my life. However, if I were to have problems in my life that don't hinder my pleasure, then that would be fine. But since I have depression which does take away my pleasure, that's when I would decide to end my life providing that the depression never goes away completely. But in the meantime, I would wait for it to go away completely first. If it doesn't, that's when I would end my life.

Can I ask, how are you defining pleasure here?

Hey MattMVS7, I replied to you in your post "how i feel about life and my depression" I see you have alot more thoughts you want to share. Do you want to maybe start more of a dialogue?