What's wrong with me???

I'm new to this and I wasn't sure what section to put this in, as I'm not even sure what's wrong with me!

Just a bit of background information (sorry this is so long and complicated) - I'm 33 and female. When I was in my early twenties I was diagnosed with ME/CFS which got progressively worse until I had to quit my job. I had a good job at the time and I lost that, along with my social life, hobbies, many of my friends, etc. and I was pretty much housebound as I was so ill with it. After being ill for about 6-7 years, I recovered enough to go to university and although it took me a few years longer than it should have done and I got A LOT of support, I managed to get a first class honours degree in Theology. However, the ME/CFS has never really gone away and my social life at university was pretty non-existent and I lived at home with my parents most of the time I was there. I did try living independently, but it was too much and I ended up back at home. The stress of my third year at university triggered a massive ME/CFS relapse which I have never really recovered from and around the same time I ended up in a physically and sexually abusive relationship with a man who I feel took advantage of the fact that I was somewhat vulnerable (physically and psychologically).

These two things, along with all those years of being housebound with ME/CFS seem to have led to me being in a really bad place now that I can't seem to get out of. I am currently reading for a Masters degree part-time and still living at home and I am just so tremendously unhappy. I am struggling with my course and can't seem to understand the coursework like you'd expect someone with a first class honours degree to be able to understand it. I can't motivate myself to do any work, or indeed anything at all on a day to day basis (household tasks, going out places, etc.) I even struggle to read a book, as my concentration span is so short and I can't seem to make sense of what I'm reading. I am having counselling to deal with the aftermath of the abusive relationship, which is helping, but I am finding it hard to deal with the feeling of helplessness about the fact that I can't really 'do anything' about what happened (no evidence, my word against his and he was in a position of authority).

I also suffer from OCD and social anxiety, which means I find it hard to get out and about much - sometimes it's just easier to stay in, as going anywhere frightens me and it takes forever to get ready because of my routines. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I sometimes wonder what the point of life is, as it just seems to be one thing after another. I spend a lot of time in my room, as I don't want to do anything or go anywhere or see anyone and even if I did, I don't seem to have many friends, as they've all got their husbands and kids and I missed out on all that from being ill. I feel pathetic that at 33 I'm still at home and my friends have their 'grown-up' lives,' but it's just a fact that I still get incredibly tired from the ME/CFS and I doubt I could cope on my own because of this and the OCD (I doubt I could afford it either, as I don't have a job, I am funding my course with money my grandfather left me when he died). My parents are OK, but my mum seems to be getting fed up of having to 'look after' me and I'd much rather have my independence. She can also be quite controlling.

I just don't know what to do sometimes, as it's just one thing after another and I don't see how my life is ever going to get better with all the health problems and mental health issues I have. It's almost as if I've 'forgotten' how to live a normal life after being ill for so long. My lack of motivation and lack of enthusiasm for life scares me sometimes - it's almost as if I've given up. I am reluctant to try anti-depressants, as I have had bad experiences in the past with them, but I wonder if I should give them another go?

Sorry this is so long, but I would be grateful for any advice!

Hello Misty,

that's a lot to have on your plate -- I am sorry you have to deal with so much. It makes your honours degree even more impressive!

What I wondered -- have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist? You mention you don't know "what's wrong with you" -- nobody here can tell you that. You mention bad experiences with anti-depressants -- there's many sorts of those and possibly one or another could work well for you? Also why were you prescribed those?

Big hugs!