The pain is unbarable. (Please Read)

Hi,
I have been diognosed with severe major depression. I'm 19, and I'm a guy. I feel so sad and so much pain it's tearing me apart. It has been almost a year in this episode of depression, and it's by far my worst. I get extremely despressed when I get rejected by girls (Guys too, but not nearly as much). I think about girls and relationships most of my day. Meeting that special someone is my dream. In order for me to feel good about myself, I need approval from others, and I really don't feel any of that at all . I'm very suicidal, and recently I have experimented with cutting. I just want to go so bad so I don't have to feel the pain any more or ever again . I tried to starve myself, but I only went 5 days eating 2 half meals and 3 snacks; I was disappointed I couldn't do any better. Earlier this year, I was hospitalized for 8 days in a phychiatric hospital, but it really didn't do much at all. Basically, nobody likes/loves me, and there will be nobody to like/love me. I have just about no friends. My parents aren't the greatest in the world... I feel SO lonely, that I could just break down into tears just for that reason. I spend all of my time in bed watching TV, sleeping, or on the computer. I sometimes listen to extremely sad music. The songs I listen to most are Hello and My Immortal by Evanescence, November Rain and Knockin' On Heaven's Door by Guns N' Roses, and Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. I rarely go anywhere, just to my appointments. The whole world hates me, though I don't blame them for not wanting a reject. I am good for nothing, and am very ugly. Also, I am stupid. I deserve the worst. I feel worthless, helpless, and and guilty 100% of the time. I feel very slow and tired all the time. When I get up to walk sometimes I even breathe a little heavier. I tremble a LOT. I have motor problems. My heart rate is a little high (my doctor says). I am often a bit wrestless, especially when trying to go to bed. It's like I either sleep too much, or not enough (at the moment it's too little). I either eat too much, or not enough (too much right now). Every week when I get weighed my weight fluctuates anywhere from 1-4 pounds. I find myself easily forgetting things I just had in my mind minutes ago. It's often hard to process information. I sometimes have crying spells. I no longer want to do things that I used to. When I hear of people really loved, in a wonderful relationship, getting very good grades, high accomplishments, it absolutely kills me. I see my doctor and my phychologist once a week. I'm taking Wellbutrin (generic) 450, Lexapro 10, and Cymbalta 90, all of which do not work at all. Things with my phychologist haven't been going well at all. For months, I go nowhere. I'm so stressed and sad that I'm not even capable of enguaging in therapy right now. For the time being, I'm taking a break from counsiling, just as my pshychologist told me to. I feel so selfish just postinig here and not helping anybody else, but I'm just not capable of that. I had a Nuerophychology test, and they said I'm not the least bit crazy, I have no problems with my brain, I have motor problems as well as facial recognition, and I'm not assertive enough. (I haven't gotten the whole report back yet) Well, I guess that's all I have for now; if you have any questions, or comments, I'd really would appreciate you posting.

Hello user5.

Unfortunatly i'm just now starting to understand depression....so the only things i could say about that is every morning the clouds break and the sun shines....my meaning is things will get better even though they seem hopless at right now.

Dont worry about girl's or boy's. What i've found which i find to be funny and true is when your not looking for something thats when it presents itself. There's a lid for every pot.

Your not ugly or worthless or stupid or any of these negative things you say. Your you....and whatever that is is great. You just need to realize that yourself.

Keep your chin up.

I'm sorry i couldnt offer up more, other's will.

wow, that was very strange for me to read that because there were so many similarities to my life. so at least know that you are not alone or weird, i walked that same path almost. at 19 my world also collided with a major depression due to many of the reasons u expressed (overwhelming desire to meet girls, accpetance issues, approval desires, etc ect) I, unfortunately, recognized the depression but fought the underlying casues for years and years. I held on to my fictional irrational beliefs about what i had to be in order to be ok or acceptable and held on to my irrationally negative view of myself and never let go of the self hate. i was desperate to get over depression but nothing worked becasue i wasnt able to look deep enough within to address my real problems. I have begun doing this over the past few years and am slowly but surely starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. You have a great chance to nip this in the bud now and then you dont have to live your 20s in excruciating pain as i did. once u simply face yourself and accept yourself unconditionally and detach from external approvals you will learn peace and be fine. No one is the "right" way to be (ie-good looking, fat, short, ugly, strong, weak, smart, dumb). there is no way that we have to be, the worst most painful thing we can do is loath ourselves because we feel we are not good enough or as good as others. According to who? who sets the standard? what determines this? its all based on perception and u can perceive yourself as a great person. u have to do it, no one else, just try and let go of all the nonsense, all the stuff that seems so important but in reality means nothing. look deep within yourself, poke arouond and see whats going on, u can do it.

I have also felt the same way. I tried to help myself by drinking alcohol. The booze helped for a while then it got completely out of hand. After I went to AA, I stopped drinking and 99% of my problems eventually disappeared. I had to learn to try to just be an average guy, not a superstar. I had to learn to write a gratitute list. You have a lot to be grateful for. You are young--you have a chance to lick this problem then lead a great life. I say that because AA allowed me to control my problems at a young age, and I have had a wonderful life since then. I also had to try to help others. I thought I was the worst and the uglest person around, but when I really opened my eyes I say people who had far worse problems than I.

Keep posting here. You will find you are not alone and that others do understand.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Hi, thanks all who have thoughtfully replied thus far. You make me feel very welcome. I am extremely sensitive and am constantly thinking how others think of me (I have my whole life). Needing approval from others really isn't something I think I could dump. To tell you the truth, if people don't have confidence in me, then there is no point in having confidence in myself. I wish so bad I could just fall asleep and never wake back up again, or that I was somebody different, with qualities and being liked (Friends / family and girlfriends level). Oh, and I mentioned me being stressed and it rasing my pulse, but I didn't know how bad it really was. The stress I have is so bad, that at the doctor's yesterday, my pulse was 111 (And that's not too far from double my normal). Once again, thanks for caring and replying (Especially at a time when I'm so incredibly lonely). Take care.

Hi user5,
I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now; I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. I, too, suffer from depression and have a history of cutting and issues with eating, and I feel the same way about needing approval from others. I know how you feel about not having confidence unless others have confidence in you, but you really have to try hard to get past that. I've found that when people notice that I don't have a lot of respect for myself, they in turn don't see any reason to respect me. If you were more confident, maybe it would be easier to meet new people and you'd be able to understand that you deserve to make friends and have a relationship. I know it's hard to gain self-esteem, but I believe that you can do it if you really set your mind to it. You sound like a good person, so start noticing the good qualities about you, rather than putting yourself down. I did the same thing as you for years, and it only made me feel more depressed. Was there something specific that happened in your life that could have caused this low self-esteem, or has it always been with you? For me, I think it's my nature, as well as circumstantial.
Have you ever considered switching medication, or maybe taking a different kind of therapy? A Group Therapy might help you to meet some people with similar issues as you, and help you to not feel so alone. And DBT was very helpful to me, as you learn specific coping skills.
Take care, and I hope that things get better for you! Stay strong, and don't give up on yourself or on happiness.
<3
drama_queen

drama_queen wrote:Hi user5,
I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now; I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. I, too, suffer from depression and have a history of cutting and issues with eating, and I feel the same way about needing approval from others. I know how you feel about not having confidence unless others have confidence in you, but you really have to try hard to get past that. I've found that when people notice that I don't have a lot of respect for myself, they in turn don't see any reason to respect me. If you were more confident, maybe it would be easier to meet new people and you'd be able to understand that you deserve to make friends and have a relationship. I know it's hard to gain self-esteem, but I believe that you can do it if you really set your mind to it. You sound like a good person, so start noticing the good qualities about you, rather than putting yourself down. I did the same thing as you for years, and it only made me feel more depressed. Was there something specific that happened in your life that could have caused this low self-esteem, or has it always been with you? For me, I think it's my nature, as well as circumstantial.
Have you ever considered switching medication, or maybe taking a different kind of therapy? A Group Therapy might help you to meet some people with similar issues as you, and help you to not feel so alone. And DBT was very helpful to me, as you learn specific coping skills.
Take care, and I hope that things get better for you! Stay strong, and don't give up on yourself or on happiness.
<3
drama_queen

Drama_Queen,
Thanks for your reply; it was a very caring one. You're the first person that I can actually relate to; I've met nobody with things even close to mine (even at the hospital). It's great to know that somebody knows what it's like at least a little bit to feel these feelings that are oh so painful. I'm just like you, I have both events in life and me having low self-esteem. Depression runs in my family, but if I wasn't hurt (rejected) the passing down's affect on me would be 0. And yes, this rejection is the whole reason of my depression (this episode...(my third, with the first two untreated)) I have tried many meds and am on high dosages; they just aren't working. I kind of mentioned this before, but I'd like to make it more specific. The few people that I do talk to, whenever they get a date for homecoming, graduate from high school and move on to college (I didn't get to and I was left behind), have many wonderful friends, are very talanted, and much more makes me feel so sad. Everybody elses good (which I am very happy and proud for them, by the way) makes my melancholy even worse. I know I've already said this, but depsite you believing that I can do it, I don't have any hope in it. I know it worked for you, and I'm very glad that it did, but for me I don't think it's possible. Even if it did work, and I got some confidence, I still don't think anybody would like a reject like me . Thank you very much for having hope in my, because not many people do. And thank you for thinking that I'm a good person; with the words of your reply, I think that you're a good person yourself.
Take Care,
user5 <3
P.S. How old are you? (I'm just wondering how old the person I am talking to is (and of course don't answer if you don't want to))

Hi User5,
I'm sorry for the delayed response! I hope that today you are feeling a little better than you were before. *hugs* By the way, I'm 16 years old. lol, a lot of people are surprised when I tell them that I'm still a teenager... I feel a lot older than I am, though, since all of this started at a young age.
I'm glad that you can relate to me; you can pm me anytime if you want to talk more about any of this! I know how you feel about rejection... It's so painful, and I've dealt with it a lot in my life, as well. I also go through the same thing when one of friends or loved ones has a success... I'm happy for them, but then there's this jealous side of me that lashes out, wishing I could have what they have, feeling inadequate compared to the rest of the world. It's so hard, but you can't give up yet. I know it's so damn frustrating with the medication and everything else, and I feel like a hypocrite saying this since I'm at a point right now where I feel like I want to give up... But we have to have hope that we can heal and start to feel better about ourselves. Aside from your psychiatrist, do you talk to a therapist/psychologist at all? You might want to give it a shot- once you develop a trusting relationship with the person, it can be a really helpful resource.
I wish I could do more to help you, but know that I'm rooting for you and that you're in my thoughts. <3
Take care, and please don't give up. And pm me if u ever need anything- I'm always happy to listen.

Drama_queen,
Thank you for your wonderful reply. I PMed you, by the way. Take care.